You Really Can't Go Home

Not long ago it was brought to my attention that the house we lived in when I was born was up for sale. Curiosity set in almost instantly and my siblings and I started to discuss what it would be like to go see it. We decided to watch for an open house.

Tonight we had an opportunity to go and see the house by an appointment with a very kind and understanding real estate agent. He was very sweet.

I was about 6 or 7 years old when we moved out of that house, the same age that Angel is now.  We moved because of divorce. As the youngest, I have very few memories of any marital stresses between my parents. I have only a limited recollection of the details of the split. I am fortunate, I know.

The interesting thing about this tour of my childhood home is the differences in perceptions that each of us children possess. Different things were important to each of us, different details stood out for each of us. One feature wall in the basement was removed, which did have quite an effect on all of us. There was a mock bay window, with a top lit picture of an Irish castle. It was beautiful and it is gone.

My sister, the oldest, has more memories of the difficulties that led to the divorce and, thus, had a much more emotional experience than I had. My brother found his name written in sloppy childhood hand on an upper beam in the garage. That was something amazing.

I love that house. I love the layout and design. The big back yard that seems so much bigger than I remembered it, but seemed smaller in comparison to my brother's memory. The Trucker even liked that house. He got a glimpse into my childhood as well. But, I know that I love what I thought it was, more than what it actually is.

It is unfortunate the way that memory works. I have had a fairly clear image of the floor plan almost all my life. But as memories are continual reconstructions, I'm quite certain that details from today will begin to merge with details from my history. Perhaps a little magic of my youth will be lost. There are many features that are still the same as they were, some a bit surprising. But the differences exist and will alter my future perceptions, because the memories for me are small and broken already.

Perhaps it is a curse to know that this will happen. Darn Psyc Major!!

Within minutes of leaving, Macboy was calling me. Angel was being difficult and I had to shift back into mom brain and deal with the behavior. The evening went fast, with a lot of fight. Angel had to call my bluff, I had to send her to bed way earlier than she's been going lately. I wasn't too happy. We had stormy weather, an eerie greenish glow in the sky which thankfully passed without event. The trucker went to bed, my mother got home.

I needed to process my thoughts. I have feelings of nostalgia, sadness, joy, gratitude and regret. So many, many more emotions after this kind of experience. One is tempted to consider the "What If's" in a situation like this, but even with all of the difficulties I have faced since we moved out of that house, I would not want it any other way.

Unfortunately, I was wearing the big neon sign on my forehead this evening that says "please disturb my peace and talk to me about random things". The text alternates with "please come in and turn on the TV, then walk away" and also "I didn't quite catch that the first 8 times you said it, please repeat it for me?"

Lucky for you, my inability to think clearly led me to write instead. And this post, completely unedited for your enjoyment (it's awkward and emotional, I don't want to reread it at the moment), is my attempt to settle my thoughts and make some sense of my emotions.

The house that I visited today was not my home. I felt a little disappointed that I didn't feel that immediate sense of 'home' that I sort of always expected to have if I ever went back there. I will convince myself that it is because of the changes that have been made, but the truth is more likely that it simply isn't my home. It was once, but it is no longer. It is a part of me, but now it can be someone else's new beginning. Even if I moved back into that house tomorrow, it would not be the same house. I am not the same person I was then. None of us are, not even my parents.

We moved out in the mid-eighties. The walls have been touched with many other hands since then. The floorboards have absorbed the histories of many other lives. The house is changed eternally, as am I. I would never say that it couldn't be my home again, just that it would never be the same home to me. Perhaps it would hold similar magic for my own children, but then again, they are all near or past the ages we were when we moved and it just might not.

I'm glad to have had the experience of going back there, and even more pleased that I was able to do it with my siblings who lived there with me. I can only imagine how they feel now, I hope it is still a positive fondness and not regret for them. I guess now I will have to go find the old photo albums and ensure that this visit doesn't distort my memories too much. In a small way, I think it may have been an opportunity I should have skipped.

I am grateful that there was a peaceful feeling inside the house. It was not a place of pain or tension for me. I have only good memories from that house.

Home really is found within each of us. Walls can contain it temporarily, but they do not possess it. Home moves with us, and there is nowhere to return to because we are already there.

End Of Summer, Updates and Thoughts

I am so excited for September. This is a very unusual feeling since I normally hate the enforced structure on everyone and the morning rush. I am not a fan of mornings. I get to start my second year at university and I'm thrilled. With a short schedule last year that had to fit in the morning kindergarten program hours, I almost feel like I haven't really even started and that this fall is the beginning of the real deal.

I've had an eventful summer. It was incredible. Excellent family vacation and lots of stay-in-your-PJs-all-day days. I also had an eye opening experience through babysitting a boy with special needs. I do have my own version of special needs here, but this was so different. My children have invisible issues, like Tourette's and social anxiety. But this summer I had the experience of being a caregiver for a child with very visible difficulties. Frankly, people are jerks. I hope to share more of that story but it needs to wait for a different time, as I try to decide exactly how to explain what I saw and felt taking this little amazing miracle boy to the park.

Yesterday was my last day with him. In many ways I feel that my summer is just starting. I only had him for 15 days but it really did change my summer. I now have an abundance of free time until September starts. Of course, that's not very far away now.

I'm searching for the ideal agenda/organizer again, and I will likely return to my hand written calendar that I used last year. I just know that I need to keep everything posted in one place and what I had last year worked great. I just need to set it up a bit better so I don't have to re-write everything a million times.

I've got all our school supplies ready. For all four of us. I need to find myself a new school bag but everyone else is covered. I have kept up to regular life for the majority of the summer months too, so I don't have a lot of scrambling and cleaning to do before the school workload hits. I'm prepared and very ready mentally for school to start.

My only regret of the summer is the lapse in my writing. I had a short burst where I poured out thousands of words in two works in progress and I felt amazing. Then the physical exhaustion of babysitting hit me and I stopped a lot of things. I read non stop, because it was the least physical thing I could do to keep myself surrounded by words. By time I return to school I will have finished about 25 books running from Shakespeare plays to YA fiction. Now, I'm fueled up and ready to write for days, but of course those days are now numbered. Perhaps my dream of "I published my first novel while I was in University," just won't work for me.

It takes a shift in perspective to pull me through these thoughts. I do hope to be published eventually, but the plain reality is that if I don't write, I will go slowly crazy. Crazier, at least. These stories scream from the back of my mind at all the wrong times and I get frustrated when I can't let them out. The characters are like pieces of me that are trapped and I can't find peace of my own anywhere until I release their words. So, rather than dreaming of future publication, I am just enjoying the art of the writing itself.  I write for me. I hope that it finds other readers someday, but the beginnings are just for me. I must get it out before I can edit or change anything for anyone else. And the act of writing, preferably with a simple pen and paper, is so therapeutic for me that I have got to start making time for it every day.

My two works in progress are very different and I do not struggle with keeping storylines straight or characters in the right places. One is very much YA and the other is definitely women's fiction. My mood dictates the story that gets the attention, and I enjoy having the chance to switch gears when one story starts to stall or suffer. It keeps my creativity flowing. At this point both stories are pretty much crap, but they are started and that is more important to me anyway. I suppose that is how the writing process works and even after a million edits I will still feel that they are crap.

With my new schedule for school, I actually have a little window in the day where I may be able to place a writing routine. Of course that depends on my homework load. I remain optimistic and will make something work.

I've been very torn about whether or not to continue this blog, I've mentioned that before. For now, I will just keep it as it is, no promises of posts or schedule for writing. I will write when I can, if I have something worth sharing or something to work out in my own mind again. My other writing does take priority, if I have to make a choice. I didn't create this for money or for followers. I am already amazed by the number of you that are here and come back regularly. Your best bet for slightly more regular updates is to join me on facebook anyway.

I hope that everyone is ready for fall and that the return to school is smooth for all of us. Are you looking forward to September too?

Fifteen Days Until The Kids Are Out

I am not taking any spring or summer session classes this year. I considered it but it just didn't work out with my schedule. The kids are still in school until the end of June and I was looking forward to two months of mornings to myself.

It's kind of nice on the occasional day that I've been able to just relax. But most days, I don't really seem to have any time to myself anyway. After I do my volunteer tasks in kindergarten, I don't have much of a morning left. I had great plans to reorganize all kinds of things in the house and most of them have been left untouched. I've scraped through a few big jobs but not nearly as much as I had hoped for. Eight months of slacking on the homefront has left me a little overwhelmed. So many stash and dash places are overflowing.

I miss my classes quite a lot. I had direction provided to my days through various professors. I had a reading list given to me and didn't have to search out my own materials. I can always find things to read but the assigned readings generally make me extend myself. I read things that I might not have chosen on my own. I often find myself bored now and this is not a common occurrence for me.

I am normally busy, looking after my kids and their schools, making dinners, tidying toys. Usual stuff. I read. I volunteer. It has been exceptionally nice to be able to attend a field trip or two. I miss that while my classes are running. My first semester was hard. It was very difficult to develop a decent groove that allowed me to get assignments and studying done on top of everything that is normal. Second semester was incredible. I felt so totally in control most of the time.

And now, I have time that is not so full. My daily life is comparable to carrying money. When you have a hundred dollar bill, it lasts longer than if you have a hand full of twenties or smaller bills. Things just get spent little by little. With the multiple stops I make each day, I am interrupted from many things. My mornings result in an hour, two on the best days, of time to devote to other projects. Kindergarten ends, then Art comes home for lunch, then the afternoon with Angel until Macboy is done, 40 minutes until Art is out. My day is full of stops and starts, so it is hard to really accomplish anything bigger.

I have been reading and writing so much, especially these last few weeks. Something about reading John Green novels sparks a wildfire of creativity in me and the words just flow as though they never were mine to begin with. The story is just pouring itself from my brain to the page. I love this feeling, it is the closest thing to escape I can ever manage. The rest of me just drifts away and I am nothing more than a vessel for the story to be written. My mind doesn't wander. I don't think of anything that needs to be done. Stress triggers drift away. For the time that I have devoted to the writing, Wendy ceases to exist. I drift into the character and his story is my own. I become him. I become his voice and write his words.  I can feel his feelings and think his thoughts, not because I am creating them but because they are from him.

I don't always feel this connection in my writing. I do sometimes have to place myself into the mind of another, I have to craft their thoughts and expressions. But sometimes, the best times, it just comes so naturally. It is not a desire to create a story but the need to release a story that exists already.

I have never felt so successful with my writing. I have never lived the flow quite like this. I know the direction the tale will follow. I do know the future of my character, but it seems most like he his telling me how he got there instead of myself having to brainstorm anything.

If it were not for this writing frenzy that has caught me, I would be going slowly insane. I hope that this lasts at least until the kids are out of school. Once they get out for the summer, I know that my schedule will change again. I am sure that I will be missing classes then too, as I really don't get a break away from the kids at all in the summer.

University has absolutely nothing to do with socializing and friends for me, it is entirely for myself. I pursue subjects that I love, that I choose. I exercise my mind and learn so much. Oh, how I love learning new things. I don't always love doing stuff with things that I learn, but I LOVE the process of understanding things that I didn't before. Or understanding something in a totally different way than I had ever thought of it. This is what I am missing the most. Discovery. Accomplishment. Pride. I like to have my house clean, but it is not the same kind of pride I get from a good mark on an essay.

Being graded on everything is hard for some people. But I don't strive for good grades to please a teacher or anything else. Each A that I've earned tells me not only that I understand what they have taught me, but also that I can explain it in a way that another understands. It's the achievement of communication. And as being a writer is the strongest drive within my soul, mastering these milestones of communication are very important to me. I miss that. I miss those benchmarks and reminders. Even if a grade is lower than I hope for, I spend the time reviewing my words so that I can say it better next time.

I know the summer will drift by so fast, especially once the kids are home all day with me. I'm grateful to have this time. This is an opportunity I've never been able to have before. I also know that when September rolls back around, I will be ready for it.

Being A Mom In University - My Brief Thoughts

I have been away from this blog for quite awhile. I'm sorry. I was fueled with all these great ideas that I wanted to share. I have a long list of post ideas floating around the house and in my head. But, I'm afraid to admit that I will probably never write many of them.

 

In a nutshell, the best way to survive a return to school when you have kids and a husband is to just do what you have to do. Balance as much as you can without draining yourself dry. Spend time playing with the kids. Sit down for dinner as a family. There are no secrets. If you want something bad enough, you make time for it. I became very selfish with my time. I do not tolerate demands of others, I will choose what I need to do and when.

I did homework and readings when I could. Sometimes waiting in the car at the end of the kid's school day. I'd read while I was cooking dinner. I carried a notebook everywhere and also switched to a windows phone that syncs better with my MS Office suite. I worked beside the kids as they did their homework. I waited until everyone was in bed and then started my work some nights.

The key to my success was to never allow procrastination in. If an essay project is going to take me 8-12 hours of  work before I think it is worthy of handing in, I must be realistic. I can not ever leave it to the last minute. I will never get 2 hours straight of work time, forget 8 or more! I just reminded myself as I worked after the kids were in bed and I was already exhausted, that the assignment would end. The semester will end. Eventually I will have time to catch up to sleep and housework.

School work and family were my shared number 1 priorities.

If you are a in university, success is possible. You show up. You take notes like a madman. You study. There is time. There is always time for something you really want. So do it.

A whole year of university and that's my advice. Just shut up and do it. One day at a time, you just push through. Some days will be really hard. Some will be painful. Some days you will cry like a baby and wonder why you ever thought this was a good idea. But following your heart and doing something you love are always going to be the good idea.

My mantra throughout my first year was "It's only one day." No matter what needed to be done, it was only one day and would be totally different tomorrow.

There were days when I got up at 5 am to drive the trucker to his truck, came home, did some reading, got kids up and all of us off to school, rushed back, spent half an hour in the kindergarten classroom, squeezed errands and appointments into the afternoon, emailing back and forth with a teacher about some child related problem as I went. Then I'd get the boys picked up, two different schools half an hour apart. Get home, put away laundry or clean something up, make dinner, clean up dinner, get through a bath and two showers, bedtime stories and good nights... Take a run to the store because I forgot something, usually milk which is needed for breakfasts and COFFEE. Then, maybe around 10 pm, I could stop moving for a minute.

I could sit down, assess what I had left to do and decide. If I miss one day of study time, what will it affect? Do I have something due tomorrow? No? Okay. It's only one day. I can make up one day easily.

And then the tricky part... Actually picking up the school work slack the next day.

Sometimes I couldn't. Sometimes the whole week was insane like that. I'd be so exhausted and have a longer list of things to catch up. The trucker suggested I take my books and go out somewhere, which I did try. But honestly, I'm better at ignoring the distractions at home. I could not focus in a coffee shop, or anywhere else really. So we switched it up. On some weekends, when I was struggling, he took the kids out instead. I got the house to myself. Had quiet time to focus and also no chance of forgetting something I needed because it was all here. It is amazing what one can accomplish in two hours with no interruptions. And I used that time. It's tempting to just go have a bath or something, when you know that no one can knock or try to come in. But you have to USE the time you have.

There is no way to plan how you will adapt to a change like this. Trust that if you want it bad enough you will find the strength to make it work. It is just how it is.

I don't find this to be that hard, really. It sucks sometimes, but everything in life sucks sometimes. There are bad days for sure. I believe I have a strong advantage over the kids that fill the other seats  in the classrooms. I know what I want. I know where I'm going. I know what it is all for. And though I have a family to take care of in the background, this university experience is so much easier for me than it is for most of them.

You know the fear that you had when you were pregnant? That 'how am I ever going to manage this' fear? Or, how about when you had a second or third (or more) child? You wonder how you will ever keep up to another baby too. Then the baby comes and somehow, almost magically, you find that life is still the same, just a bit busier maybe. University was the same for me. Life doesn't change, it just gets busy. It will only ever be as hard as you think it is. And even when a day is hard, it's only one day. Tomorrow will be different.

There you have it. A long pause between posts and then I finally write something, only to share that of all the advice I wanted to be able to share boils down to no advice at all.

__________________________

 

 

I am starting to think that the end is near for Wendy Can't Cook. I either need a change of direction, or perhaps a change in medium. I'm not sure. I make no promises at all. I found a desperate need to focus on priorities while in school and as much as writing maintains my sanity, blogging is not the only way to write. I've been through some very personal changes that I do not wish to make public. And I rarely have time to sit and write a blog post even without any edits. I do not aim to make a living out of blogging, I share here because it feels good to share sometimes. Much like reading for pleasure is out of the question while I'm in school, blogging is not high on my list of priorities. Somehow, my little following here continues to grow even when I'm not active and I am grateful for those who do come by and read any of my words.

In essence, blogging is somewhat a distraction from where I really want to be going. I may need to let it go to make room for bigger and better things. I miss it when I'm not here, but I need my family time more. I am sure that you will understand. My facebook page is often more active than the actual blog, so feel free to join me there.

Take care my friends.

My Wish For 2014 - Focus

2013 was an amazing year for me. I can't think of a lot that I might want to change in the new year. I worked hard to maintain balance between my family and my personal commitments. I began actively working on reaching my dreams, instead of just dreaming. I would like to write more, but that is something that suffers only for the benefit of my schooling and my family. I would love to write everyday, but I'd also love to play or read with my kids when I'm not doing my homework.

I worked on improving communication, not just in my marriage but everywhere. I worked on letting go of things that don't matter. I worked on putting more quality into my family time instead of just time.

Most days, I feel like I am living a dream.

Instead of trying to make up some specific resolution, I just need to continue with the big changes I'm already making. I suppose I could resolve to maintain my focus. To pay attention and be proud when I'm getting things right. To pay attention and learn when I'm getting things wrong. I have been on a positive path, and I need to make sure I stay on it.

I've never really been a resolution person anyway. I am definitely the kind of person who will maybe say I want to do something, but it's never really something I want that bad.

Focus is attainable. It is flexible. Just pay attention. Watch the kids play. Play with them. Listen to the little stories. Know what they like and offer options when I need time to work on something else.

Focus on my marriage. I know that I need to pay attention to it. The kids are getting older and I am reminded often that they won't be with me forever. I need the Trucker to know that I want to be with him when they are gone too.

Focus wide, not narrowly.

Focus on what makes my heart feel full. What makes me smile.

Focus on giggles.

Focus on the big picture. Meeting my goals.

I know it won't be hard. Well, no harder than everything else I'm doing. It won't be hard because I already do this every single day. I wake up and want to be MORE. I want to feel MORE. I am not sitting here beating myself up over yesterday if I didn't get it just right. I am reminding myself that everyday is new. I have another chance to try again, try a different angle. Just keep trying.

University is really helping me live one day at a time. While I am working several years on a long project for the benefit of my whole family, I can not look too far beyond today. I can't say how many times I told someone "That's okay, it's only one day." Tomorrow offers a new chance again.

It is far better to make steady, continuous changes to improve my life than it is to make a short lived resolution at new years. Our problems or worries don't magically change on one day, so why try to force a solution on one specific day?

I want to thank those of you who follow my little corner of the world on this blog. I am still simply amazed that anyone read my words in the first place! And that so many actually come back and read again makes my heart happy. I'm glad to share, I have to get things out of my head or I go crazy. I hope that you have found something useful and relevant to your life somewhere along the way.

I thank all of you who have shared my words. Those who join me on my facebook page and those who visit me on Twitter.  Please feel free to share your thoughts anytime with me. That is what the comments area and social media accounts are for! I would love to know more about you. I appreciate that I am not forgotten, even when there might be months between blog posts!

I wish you all the very best in the new year, keep chasing those dreams!

Give Them Truth And Let Them Choose

Life is a funny thing. We grow up desiring some really superficial things, only to become 'adults' and realize that now that we are old enough to do whatever we want, it's not really worth doing.  Well, most of us anyway.

I've seen friends and family turn to drugs or alcohol. I have seen the dark sides of addiction in too many people that I've cared about. I am a born helper and knowing that there is nothing I can do to help someone kills me. When they make that choice for change, though, I can be there for them. It breaks my heart waiting for that choice, and sometimes, it just doesn't come. 

Why do we want all these things? Why do they seem so exciting before we can try it? Macboy is 13, I know that many kids his age have already experienced drugs, tobacco, alcohol and even sex. I also know that he is not doing any of these things. I am close to my kids, I am here and I am accessible. And also, one of the first to know what he is doing, because he tells me. I'm clinging to this relationship for as long as I can. I know that there will come a time that he won't want to tell me, but I hope we can get around it.

Yesterday was 'Health Day' at his school. All kinds of presentations were given all around the school and they classes made their way through them. I'm proud, because he said he didn't really learn anything that he didn't know already. I'm proud because I was the one to teach him most of that. I never want my kids to have to learn from other kids. I will always answer their questions and try to prepare them for what is coming.

But this Health Day did lead to an interesting discussion about drugs between him and I. We haven't had to have a lot of those drug talks, but we've had a few. He asked me questions about addiction, because he knows that I've had a long battle with nicotine. We've had an alcoholic in our lives. I've got a strung out cousin who is in and out of jail and rehab. I think we both felt better. 

I'm not saying we're angels, us parents. There are our own times of experiments and such. Though I can't speak for what the Trucker was like before I met him, I know that I have made good choices with my life. I won't lie to him either. If he is old enough to ask, he is old enough for honesty.

My downfall was drinking. I grew up with alcohol in the house and the first time I had rum (and got tipsy) was in grade 6. I was drunk often through grades 7-9. Not good. I was smart, though, and my marks didn't slip too low. And when I hit high school and the kids were all just starting to get into what I'd already done for awhile, I was kind of done with it. By the time I was old enough to legally drink, I was an extreme hangover walking. It quickly became painful to drink. I do have drinks every now and then, but it's not something I really enjoy or ever look forward to. More than 3 of anything and I'm down for a minimum of 24 hours. Which just can't be done when you have three kids!

Macboy is very logical. He often reminds me of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory and it cracks me up. Our conversation yesterday was quite philosophical, really. And it's not really about health or the effects on a body. He asked "Why do people choose to give up control of themselves to a chemical substance?"  "Would you let someone else make all your choices for you? At least, if it's a person, you have a chance because they might not be stupid. A chemical makes no sense. Has no conscience. Doesn't care about YOU."

He then quizzed me about my nicotine addiction and my caffeine addiction.  Smart boy, that one.

What I don't understand is why time and nature work the way they do. Why do laws state that we must be such and such age before we can drink or buy cigarettes. Sure, it makes it harder for younger kids to get, but really, it just makes them desire it more. I think in some ways withholding access to these things makes the user more excessive when they finally can get it themselves. Many of us have that year or two of partying like mad, 'college years' and all that. Many of us try it out, and then realize that it was never worth the hype and the health risks are not worth a few short hours of whatever it is we've had. Many of us stop a lot of these dangerous things. But not all of us.

I find, with my kids, that anytime I try to restrict something, they just want it more. Candy, video games, staying up late, whatever. I am not a very strict parent, I'll admit. I have boundaries that can not be crossed, but I always make sure they understand why I have set those boundaries. My boys have both tasted beer and wine. Neither of them like it. It wasn't something I had that they couldn't. And now, it's not an issue at all. They simply know that they didn't like the taste. They ask why I have any of it, I answer as honestly as I can. I don't really know. In small doses, in moderation, I enjoy a few drinks with friends. I can relax in a different way and loosen up. But I don't do it all the time because drunk Wendy is not Wendy. 

No matter what anyone says. 

I believe that you can't be a different person just because of alcohol. I think some traits are lying under the surface, regardless of drugs or alcohol. The sober person can make the rational choice to NOT act on those impulses. An intoxicated person loses that inhibition. We do things we normally would not do. There is a reason we are inhibited! If we were ever intended to act the way we do when we are drunk, we would act that way everyday. I simply don't understand it. I guess I'd have had to become an alcoholic to understand, and if that is the case, I'm grateful to never understand.

I think it is simple human nature that makes us desire what we can't have. The grass is greener mentality. When we have it, we don't know what it means anyway. And then we grow up and realize it was never worth having anyway. 

Think of how much time we can waste in our lives, experimenting with things we never wanted to begin with. I can't imagine how much farther ahead I could be in my life if bars were nothing special. I grew up in a time where children were allowed in some bars up until a certain time of night. I sat and played games with friends while our parents drank together. I saw how they acted stranger and stranger after each drink, and I saw what I never wanted to be. 

I don't want to subject my children to seeing what I have seen, but I do want them to grow up knowing the truth. And I will continue to tell them things they may not want to hear, I will give them the truth they deserve. I will pray daily that they make the right choices when their time comes.

Close My Eyes And Think

The itch to write is really strong lately, but the words are just not flowing. Or, perhaps they are and I'm just not listening carefully enough. I need to slow my mind, stop the racing. Stop and focus on one thing.

I thank my previous education for my typing skills. They give me the power to close my eyes and just let the words pour from my head to the page, without a filter in between.

The sun that was so warm and bright this morning is hiding behind dark grey clouds and I feel like my motivation is hiding with it. So, I close my eyes and take in my surroundings. The kids are giggling downstairs. For a few brief moments they are all playing together. The giggles like a song to my subconscious, if only I could tap into their joy and steal just a tiny bit. Would they laugh less or would I be able to join? Probably neither. Perhaps stealing a little strength would deflate them. It would just bring everyone down.

Stop, breathe, listen. Inhale.... Mmmmm... Lilacs. Our tree is in full bloom right now and someone has put some flowers on the table. Sometimes, the scent is overwhelming. It is just another distraction. Sometimes, the light and the kids happy noises and a TV and the flowers and the smell of dinner cooking.... it's just enough to leave me reeling. Too much, just too much happening all around me. I crave silence and darkness to bring me back to earth.

This time, the scent of the lilacs - a combination of white and purple - is soothing. Like a warm caress of spring, wrapping me up and making me whole. It's a scent of home. It's a scent of spring. Spring is new beginnings, birth of the flowers and buds on the trees. Bugs and construction. Progress, for whatever that's worth.

I am making progress. I've been sticking to this weight loss plan of mine and doing okay. Today, I lacked appetite but I forced myself to eat breakfast and that turned things around for a while. I will still be on track after today. Progress is good. I have a dream of a new version of myself held firm in my mind. I don't need a degree to define me, I don't need to be skinny either. I know that I am enough, just as I am, right now. But I am taking steps to grow. I don't ever want to stop growing.

We cut back the lilac bush every few years. It grows tall and reaches the powerlines over our yard. It grows wide and hangs over the neighbor's fence. It constantly grows. No matter how much we cut down, it surges back in almost no time at all.

I'm glad I'm not grass, though I do sometimes relate. I struggle and persevere only to feel like I've had my head chopped off and thrown down, but I keep growing up. Keep starting over and pushing. Nothing really stops it.

I love to lay in the grass in the middle of summer. When it is soft and lush and green. Both literally and figuratively, nothing makes me feel more grounded. I am just a small piece in this life puzzle. Playing my part as best I can. Occasionally improvising and, often, dealing with an unexpected change of direction.

I am happy, for whatever that is worth. I don't know that in the grand scheme of things, it really matters a lot. it makes it easier to get things done, to spend time with my family and help them be the best they can be. When they are at their best, I feel I've done my best. This is my purpose. To find my dreams, to chase them and to teach those I love how to do the same. I want my kids to surpass my accomplishments. To grow up and 'show me how it's done.'

Some of my best writing comes in these times of melancholy. Some of it comes from anger. Sometimes, it's tear stained paper. But it's all emotion. The benefit of writing fiction is that I can take that litle bit of me and turn it into something so much more. I can turn it in to someone elses dream. I can turn it into someone's nightmare. The point is, I can change it. I can take my sadness and write the success of a protagonist. I can take whatever I'm feeling and make it anything I want.

This is where I thrive. If the rest of the world could get a tiny glimpse of what occurs in my head, they would want to live there too.

But life happens on the outside. And so, I must open my eyes and return to my reality. Guess it's time to cook some dinner and I should probably fold that laundry I've been avoiding all day.

And I am grateful that my reality is actually pretty good. I am blessed.

Reading and Rambling

I'm in the mood to write right now, but I have no clue what I actually want to write about. So, hold on to something, we're going on the rollercoaster ride of my brain with no real direction. I usually find that the road I want sort of makes itself appear. I'm just going to type all this randomness until something happens, or until I'm just done. Okay? Okay.

No, wait... I have to go switch the laundry...

Have I ever told you how much I hate doing laundry? At least I made three bucks on this load. I hate that no one checks their pockets here, but I love that no one checks their pockets. haha

I'm feeling mellow today. I finished a novel this afternoon, last of a series of 6. Which is funny because if I had known when I read the first one that there were six, I probably wouldn't have started it. I read one, then found out there were more. Thought it was a trilogy until I came across the fourth. Then I was done for a month or two. I thought it was strange that the story didn't really end. Each book has it's own ending, so you do feel that it is over, but that one seemed like it should wrap up the whole story, you know? And out of the blue, I stumble into "Book Six Has Been Released!"

Ummm... six? really? So I scramble to the library and get book five. Read it in a couple days and then checked for six. The library had copies on order, not even in yet- THAT new. Placed my hold and relished the feeling of being the first library patron to read this copy of this book... Yep, I'm that kind of book dork.

Anyway... I finished it today. I loved it. I really felt connected to the characters, even though they were under 15. It was well written. If I tried to describe it, you'd probably think I was nuts. The storyline is kind of sci fi, but very cool if you give it a shot. If you want some reading that will last awhile but not get boring, give the Gone Series by Michael Grant a try.

Well that was interesting. There are book trailer videos on the home page at that site. Funny how video doesn't really match up to your imagination.

Ever done that before? Picked up a book that you would have avoided if you knew it was a series?

I'm starting Perks of Being a Wallflower next.

I started a weight loss plan two weeks ago. Tracking over at SparkPeople, eating better and exercising more. I'm down 3.5 lbs so far. Lets hope I don't spring back up!! I hate that. I lost twenty lbs. last year but then gained 15 back in no time when I quit smoking. I'm done with that. This weight is coming OFF. I have a closet full of really nice clothes that I want to wear again. Dammit, I want to be too small for them!!! But first things first, I will go one day at a time and just keep paying attention and making good choices. I don't want to 'diet' really, no drastic measures. Just maintain my health and pray it all comes together.

24 school days left until summer.  Sad that I started counting down before the kids did.

Its a grey rainy day here today. Normally, I'd hate that. Today is okay, it's been so dry and there have been fires all over the place. We need the rain. I swear I can already see the grass getting greener.

This didn't really help my need to write. And it probably didn't provide much in the way of entertainment for you. It's a little heavy on the book review side too... I should watch that. I read a LOT. I apologize, sometimes it spills over.  Like when I read the Alchemist, it held on to me for a long time. I can't wait until someone else can say they got sucked right in to a novel that I wrote. But, my character is kind of in hiding write now. She's lost in the back of my mind. Perhaps thinking of what she needs to do next. I don't know. I know that she will make an appearance again very soon. She never stays away long. And usually, it's about 1 am when she starts filling my head with ideas.

Take care friends... I'm off to cook dinner and probably read some more.

Far From Perfect But Refreshed Anyway

I'm sure you have noticed some changes here. I hope you like what you see. I felt that since I write so little about Food these days, the theme was misleading. 

I am resigned to deal with the available options in Blogger, which are few, but I want to have some separation of topics as well. Hopefully it will help you to find what you actually want to read about. I've had a wide variety of stories listed over the last couple years, but I'm trying to find a decent way to share it all with you. 

I decided to change the heading of my little blog as well. No longer focusing solely on the negatives of what I can't do, but a fresh way to say "Hey, I'm not perfect. I can't do everything. But there are some really cool things I can do, or try to do anyway."

Welcome if you are new here. And thank you

if you have been here before, I'm glad you came back.

I am starting my degree in September and I am nervous. I'm worried about time management. I'm worried about Angel Baby transitioning. I'm worried about parking downtown. I'm worried about sharing classrooms with kids that are not much older than mine. But I am also so excited. I'm incredibly inspired and I am so ready to work for this. I do intend to write as much as I can about the trials and triumphs of returning to school. I have searched for blogs from others in my position and I'm really not finding anything helpful. There are single moms in school, 20 year olds with a baby, college after divorce... Some are even quite faith-based and not really about school at all.  Not that I have anything against single moms or young moms, and nothing against moms with faith, I am simply trying to find something specific.

So, I will share. I believe that going to school will be much more complicated than working full-time. I will have my class hours, but I will still have to juggle homework and studying along with taking care of my husband and three kids. This is going to be a huge transition for all of us. Many changes will come in the next several months as we try to work together to cover the bases that I'm missing since I will no longer be a stay at home mom. Maybe, through my trial and error, we might just find some great ideas or time-savers that everyone will love.

If you have a blog about a mom going back to school in similar circumstances, or know of one, please post in the comments or send me a message on Facebook or through email (you can find it in my profile). I'd love to find some.

So, please, while you are here, take a look around. Let me know your thoughts. Share any blogger tips you might have to make things better. Tell me what works and definitely tell me if something doesn't work!

Running in Place - A Treadmill Adventure

I had to cancel my gym membership last summer. I wasn't really thrilled about it, but when I left my job I had to reduce my expenses also. I've been struggling with fitness since then. I've also been battling nicotine addictions and that has caused big fluctuations in my weight also.

I am now three months smoke free again and I feel great about that. I managed to get through it this time without horrible binging since I chose healthy snacks to munch on and I measured them out so I wouldn't just eat indefinitely. BUT... Nicotine DOES affect my metabolism. It was a painfully long road to lose 20 lbs before and within 2 months (not even) I had 15 of them back.

So, I've been on the lookout for a treadmill for awhile. They are just so BIG and so expensive that I never seem to find something I like. One day a few weeks ago, I mentioned this to my Dad. He has one in his basement that is not being used and I asked if I could buy it. He said I could have it free as long as I hurry up and get it out of there.

Three weeks of shuffling, debating, trying to find the perfect spot to put a big machine like that, and I was off to pick it up. Surprise! It's small. It's actually got a shorter deck that what I remembered and I was fortunate enough to fit it in the corner of my bedroom, exactly where I hoped it would go. Dad had recently lubricated the track and I needed to make some adjustments to the tension and such. Got it set perfect and humming along.

I was totally pumped up. I had my workout gear on, tunes at the ready, Angel Baby was all set up to play on my bed. Pulled my hair back. Grabbed some ice cold water... Started up the machine.

Five minutes in to a still slow paced walk, the thing started surging. Sudden bursts of great speeds then a lag and back to the original setting. The motor is sparking each time it surges too. SIGH. I have a few calls to make now to see if it will be worth fixing at all, or if I now have a big machine to run in place on.... without a motor.

I swear, it is one step forward and two back all the time.

image via ifamilykc.com

Yes, I am aware that there is a sidewalk outside. But have you ever tried to walk at a decent pace with a preschooler in tow? I have the energy to do this in the morning, but the childcare in the evening. Something will work out... I know it will. Just have to keep being patient.

Sneak Peak At My Current Project and Other Updates

On Thursday I will be going to the university to start planning out my degree with an academic advisor. This is getting real. I am so excited and empowered and ready to get started! The next few months are going to FLY by. 

I am disappointed in myself a little. I had lofty dreams of hammering out this novel before school hits me. Without some seriously focused time and energy in the next little while, it's just not going to happen. I'm slacking on my writing commitments and I'm not happy about it. I have been writing, just not nearly as much as I would like. I have gotten some great progress into the novel. But it's still floating around in pieces and not quite pulled together yet. I've written some new poems and done a fair bit of journaling. Still, I'm miles away from a daily writing habit.

Whats worse, is that I often have reasons why I can't write. This endless list of things that are more important for me to get done first. Too often, those things don't get done either. I won't say that my time is wasted, I'm getting some very important stuff done at the same time. It just isn't flushing out quite the way I intended it to. 

Although I haven't finished my novel, I have taught Angel Baby a lot about reading and writing. Her vocabulary has grown immensely in the last few months. Her social skills are changing and growing. She is going to be more than ready for kindergarten. I'm not writing books, but I'm teaching her to read them and love them. That is important.

I've been really slacking on laundry. I give it one day a week for washing and drying. Sometimes it doesn't all get done and sometimes it sits in baskets in the laundry room for several days. BUT the kids have clean clothes and I have been on top of their needs. I didn't throw in that last load because we were sitting down to enjoy a movie as a family. Do you know how many movie nights I've spent folding laundry in the middle of the floor while everyone around me was stretched out on couches munching on popcorn? Too many. Sure, I could get everyone to do their own. That would work. But it's really not necessary. It doesn't take long to fold and I don't put the kids stuff away, they do. When I fold it, I can catch the rips or tears or stains that I might not have seen before. I can keep my kids looking better and in clothes that fit better. I just stopped feeling bad if the baskets sat longer; it is more important to enjoy the time with the family. 

I've been reading.... oh man, have I been reading. I have had two or three different books on the go at all times for several months. I love the escape! I do need to stop staying up way too late reading a good book but I often just can't put it down. My Dad says there are therapists out there than can help me with my addiction. You know what? A year ago, he might not have said something like that. You know why? We didn't talk much before. We do now. Several times a week in fact. And I'm not distracted when we talk. I am focused on him and our conversation. He's getting to know my family all over again. And THAT is important.

Macboy is changing into such an amazing young man. I'm attentive and present. I ask questions and we talk often. I'm engaged with my son and I try to take an interest in the the things he likes. He's actually quite a good teacher. He's thirteen now. This might not last a lot longer. I hope that it does, but I'm not naive enough to think we'll always be this close. Teenager years are beginning and I will do what I can to keep this open communication with him. Because that is important.

Art... Oh, ART. He's just a ball of constant energy! He always has a thousand things to say and a million more to do. It's hard to connect with him, but I do. It's important. 

So, rather than sitting here and complaining that I'm failing to meet my own goal, I am going to take pride in the fact that I am doing something important. Not everyone will agree that my focus is in the right place (including my trucker at times) but I am not wasting my time. I will not have this time back ever again. I'm making the most of it.

And I am getting these other things done too, even if they are not quite when I mean to.

One other distraction that I have lately is my love of my sewing machine. I've been working on a new quilt for the trucker. His request and challenge was to make a Peterbilt quilt for him. It's not an easy project but I am certainly enjoying the challenge!

Here's my pattern, though the details change as I go and this is just a loose guide more than anything:

And here is the current progress. The truck will be one solid piece across the middle of the quilt with a solid top and bottom band to frame it. There is a lot of work going into this project and a lot more hand-stitching required than any project I've ever attempted before. I am sure I could speed some parts up, but I don't really want to do this twice, so I'm going to make sure it's all done right. The wheels will be added once the truck is complete, applique, possibly puffed out a little for some texture. I haven't decided quite yet. 

As always, I apologize for my long absences between posts. If you join me on Facebook, you will find out more as I'm often posting there. And of course, I'm on Twitter too if you want to join the conversation (Or start one!). I'm so glad you are here!

What Does Love Mean?

You know, I never really had a good perception of what love was supposed to be. How does it look? What does it feel like? My parents divorced when I was young and I have very few memories of them actually being together. I grew up with angry parents. Rarely were there times that the two were in the same room and not arguing, until close to my graduation. What must have been love when they were younger was lost to bitterness.

Much later, my father remarried. I don't doubt the amount of love between him and my step-mother, but it really seemed like they carried on two separate lives at times. Two people who simply shared a house and passed each other on occasion in the hallway. This love was about independence, not co-dependance. It worked very well for them, I suppose. And it's likely somewhat helpful now that my father didn't change his own life to drastically, for now he is alone and didn't have to rework everything in his life to get used to doing things alone again. Her cancer took her away from us, and from him. I ache for his lost love.

My mother nearly married another man while I was younger. In fact, it was 8 years of my life that he was around. Love? No. Pure infatuation and lust, I think. He was an alcoholic.For eight years, I witnessed abuse and violence at the hands of this man. There was no love for anyone in him, besides himself and his bottle. What did she love? The good side of him, I suppose. That's often how abusers operate, isn't it? He could be so overly generous and affectionate, that she always found reasons to forgive him. Until he left. For someone else. Devastating for sure.  My life lesson? Love hurts. Don't open up to that, it will harm you.

Then, she was free. Until she remarried.  This man was competitive and possessive. Never physically abusive, but certainly controlling. And he'd never had children of his own. So, inheriting three children who were already in their teens was a hard adjustment. He was fun when he was in a good mood, but sometimes he'd just close off. No emotion. Just silence. I was 17 and moved out of that house on the second day after graduation. Ran. I could never live like that.

But by then I had already met the Trucker. He filled something up inside me. He showed me what it was to be valued. He taught me that maybe it's okay to open up a little.

And then our own pasts conflicted. We had many stops and breaks and restarts in the first few years. Not because we didn't love each other. Not because we couldn't make it work. But simply because neither of us knew what love was supposed to be like.

Now I know. 17 years later, I finally understand. Love is full of infatuation and lust. It comes and goes. I'll openly admit that I still get butterflies when he gets home from work. Almost every single day.

Love is forgiveness. We both have faults, we make mistakes, but because we have a strong love for each other, we work together to either fix the issue or accommodate it.

Love is supportive. Love wants the best for each other, not just ourselves. It is love that prompts my Trucker to make rash purchases of new vehicles. He wants me safe. He wants to be confident that our kids will be safe. It is love that keeps him pushing me to chase my dreams. It is love that makes me push him, too. I don't want 'a better man,' I want him happy. I want him to do what makes him happy.

Love is sacrifice. Love tells us that we can wait for something we want, because we believe the other person needs something more. Married love is entirely different than family love. There are still times, after seventeen years, that we feel like teenagers together. We can fight and make up. We can cry or yell or say things we don't really mean and then look at each other and remember that it's not the end of the world.

I strongly believe that you will often fall in and out of love with the same person. True love keeps you working when others would give up and leave.

Love is communication. I can talk to the Trucker about everything. Sure, we disagree. Yes, there are misunderstandings. After years of doing things the wrong ways, we are finally figuring each other out. We are learning to keep talking. We are learning that sometimes even if you snap at me, it's not really ME that you are mad at. We always have time to figure out what the real problem is.

We have been at our worst together. We have lost everything together. We have gained everything and more back... together. We have three amazing children who reflect our love. My kids will not have the same confusion I had. They will know what love is. They will not be afraid to feel their feelings. They will learn that everything takes work, and often the more work you put in the more value you get out.

So, Thank You, My Darling Trucker. For learning with me and showing me what a really loving relationship is. I know very few things in life are certain, but I am certain that I want you to be beside me through it all.

Jump In With Both Feet

I have a confession, my friends. I am terrified. I have no idea how things will turn out for me. I have no control over many of the factors I will be facing soon.

Last week I received my official acceptance letter to the university program I will be starting. I needed to confirm that acceptance and seal my decision to go back to school in the fall. My Trucker keeps giving me the push I need to not chicken out. He jumped right away and ensured my deposit got paid. In fact, he's pushed me several times through this whole process. I guess after seventeen years together, he really does know me. 

The last six months have been incredible. I have seen a side of my husband that I only caught glimpses of before. He really is my rock, he keeps me grounded. He doesn't let me hide when fear creeps in. He is proud of me for trying to change my stars. We have faced resistance from occasional friends who are supposed to be supportive. Those people who are either angry with themselves for not trying, or are jealous of our courage to do it.

Without counting maternity leave, I have worked full-time straight since I got out of high school. I had periods where I worked two jobs, but thankfully those weren't long terms. I have some post-secondary education, but it's all accounting. Frankly, accounting is painfully boring. I was crazy enough to believe that doing something that came easy to me was a good idea. WRONG. No challenge means no love. Plain and simple. I need work that keeps my mind growing.

My last job was like that. I jumped into something I had no experience with and I loved it. It was my first chance to work only part-time hours and let me be at home with my kids. Three years of a constantly changing environment, new things to learn all the time, it was great. Well, except for the sucky parts that eventually led me to quit. Working from home is not all it's cracked up to be. There were so many times that I had to miss something because I needed to finish with work.

Now, I am chasing my own rainbow. I know what I really love to do and I want to do it. I want to find myself in a world of language. Publishing maybe? Writing? Absolutely. 

I will start school on the same day as Angel Baby in September. I am so very excited! But I am terrified. There is so much to consider! What if she's the child who cries and clings to mommy on the first day? I will have to leave her, so that I can make my own class on time. What if I have more of the troubles that I had with my oldest? What if she's a TS child too? The odds are higher, since I have one. And truthfully, I'm a bit concerned about Art. I'm seeing some things that keep me wondering, but at this point I can't recognize any vocal tics, so I'm not sure.

For the first time in my life, with my continuous battles through depression and raising three kids, I am ready to face my fear. Largely because I know that if I want to turn around or run and hide, I will see my husband standing behind me. I've got support and love to keep me going. He has stood by my side through the darkest of my days. And he stayed. He knows I have this in me, and that helps me when I start thinking I'm not strong enough.

I am strong. I set myself free last summer. I quit my job, I became the mother I WANTED to be, I fought my way out of those dark, dark places. I've lost twenty pounds! Without dieting, and barely exercising. (Though I've been told that folding laundry for half an hour burns seventy calories and I feel like all I ever do is laundry, plus there is a staircase to the laundry room, so that must be more calories! haha). I opened my eyes. I've read. I've written so much. I explored some information on religion that I'd been debating. I spent time with the family that doesn't live in my house. I've tried all kinds of new things and been successful at most of them. Those that didn't work out were still a TON of fun to try.

I know I can do this. I know I can successfully complete a degree, even with kids. I know I can finish writing at least one of the eight novels I have started. I have never found so much inspiration around me, until I finally was able to see through the darkness.

This is never what I expected to come from this blog, but as I have grown the blog has grown. There are so many more people reading my ramblings than I ever could have expected! I'm so grateful you are here. Please stay around, I fully intend to share every step of this new road that I'm on. Each time I face a new fear, I know that there are people behind me. Even those that I have never met, who are cheering me on in their own ways. And maybe, my insanity just might encourage you to face some of your own.

Can I Really Do This?

Okay. Here's the news.

Well, it's not really news yet, but it's the beginning of what I hope will be big news. And in a way, I don't really want to say anything because I don't want to jinx myself, but I just don't want to keep it all in my head either.

Besides, while I'm sitting here waiting for it to become news... I'm going kind of stir-crazy. Compulsively checking my email is not going to make the email come any faster anyway. So I'm writing, because if I write for 20 minutes, that's twenty minutes less email checking.

This is a time where having the email on my phone is kind of a curse. Refresh, refresh, refresh.

NEWS....

To get to the point of this story anyway.....

Last spring/summer, I returned to school to bring up my marks in English 30. I had no real certainty of where my career was headed, but I knew that if something came up that I needed to go back to school for, I had to get that mark up to meet the entrance requirements.

Last week, I sent in the full application to a Bachelor of Arts program. I want to have an English degree. I love writing, I love reading, I love language. I'm not working at all right now, except on my own various hobbies, so it just feels right.

I am a bit concerned because Angel Baby starts kindergarten in the fall. I will be starting school at the same time as she does. It's a bit scary to let her go when I won't be home for the first few days of school. She's very shy and super-attached to Mommy. Of course, we all know how good I am at waiting for things. Chances are if I didn't have a class to go to, I would sit at home all morning and worry.

With the love and support of my Trucker, I have everything in line now to start full time schooling. He's been absolutely amazing lately and has talked me through my doubts and worries. I adore him, and clearly he thinks I'm alright too, or he wouldn't be committing thousands of dollars into education for me. With his encouragement, I actually sent the application.

And now I wait for the email that will tell me I'm in. (see, that's positive thinking right there!) I am feeling great for the first time in years. I have the occasional bad day, but they are so far apart now. I have lost so many pounds, and haven't even had to work hard for it. I have laughed and smiled more in the last few months than I had in the last several years. I have surrounded myself with positive friends and family, who are all supporting this crazy dream of mine.

I have tackled projects in the last year that were just little ideas in my brain before. Quilting was one of those things that I just always wanted to try. So, I did. There are pictures and updates over on my facebook page, so join us there if you haven't already. I'm defeating doubt and fear every day, just by trying all these new things. And each success just brings me higher again.

There it is. My big news, that isn't really news yet. And now that I let my secret out, the news of my acceptance won't sound as big. But it's still BIG news and I will be sure to let you all know as soon as that email comes.

Refresh.... refresh..... refresh.....

Take care, my friends and keep dreaming!

Holiday Highlights

For those of you who don't follow Busy Mama on Facebook, I think it's time for an update! I've been quite regular with posting random bursts on the page, but I have not taken time to write on the blog for a while. I had a completely messed up holiday season compared to most years, but I think it was the most peaceful holiday we have ever had.

Our tree is usually up during the first week of December, but this year it was not. We didn't even buy one until about the 20th. December went so fast!

We had a great time working through our craft advent calendar, even though we didn't manage to keep up with it daily and had a few days of massive crafting. My sister worked hard through November, testing, planning and preparing a craft for each day for the kids. Each day had a package with three bags (one for each child) and a set of instructions. I posted some pictures to facebook of the projects, you can see some of it there.

I love New Years Eve with the kids. Sure, the boys stay up til midnight more often than once a year, but it's still fun to stay up late. This year, I made a deal with Angel Baby that she could stay up as long as she was behaving. She made it to midnight like a trooper. Thankfully, she also reverted right back to bedtime routines as normal the next day. We spent the evening with my niece and her new family as well. It was a great relaxed night.

We played some Just Dance on the Kinect. It was a lot of fun. Even when the low ceiling got in the way for the guys.  One of them hit the blade of the ceiling fan, the other smacked the light bulb and they had to finish the dance in the dark.

I got a power drill of my own for Christmas. I'm pretty happy about it. I can never find the bits when I need the Trucker's drill, or it's not charged. He's tired of not being able to find it when he needs it again, so he got me my own. Unfortunately, I had to test it out at 11:30 at night a few days ago. Angel Baby always rocks on her hands and knees at night. I'm not sure why she does it, but it's a comfort thing for her I guess. I've been trying to break her of this habit lately but it seemed like the more I asked her to stop, the more force she used on the landing.

I told her that sooner or later she was going to break her bed. She broke her crib this way and I knew her big girl bed would not really hold up any better. The joints can only take so much force! Sure enough she broke it. One screw was literally broken in half. Both the head and foot on the wall side let go from the side of the frame. I tried desperately to get her to go to sleep somewhere else, but eventually gave up and flipped it over. That little drill is going to come in very handy! Got her bed fixed up and her back in it, in no time.

Art was playing spiderman (or something) the other day. He hopped across the loveseat and balanced on the arm rest to look under the end table for who-knows-what. He lost his balance, hit the wall with his hand and lamp with his head. The clock came straight down and smashed the glass on the end table. He was not hurt, thankfully, not even a scratch. And besides having a deep down clean in that end of the living room done now, I also have the extra benefit of neither him or Angel Baby climbing all over the loveseat anymore.

I keep telling the kids that I don't make this stuff up! They just don't believe me. I say "don't rock like that or your bed will break." And sure enough after the laughing at mommy stops, the bed broke. I tell the kids not to climb all over the furniture or something will get broken. No one believes me until something gets broken.

I've begun quilting. Like making ravioli from scratch, it was just one of those things that was on my list of "I'd Love To Try That Someday." Like the Pinterest board in my brain. The first one was made just for Angel Baby's Baby. Then I made a second quilt and a matching crib sheet for my niece. Now I'm working on a new one, sized nicely for snuggling up with the Trucker on the couch. It's a big project, but right now I have the time to do these things, so I'm doing them.

Once I started working on the sewing machine more, Art wanted in. He asked me to teach him how to use it. And I said "Yes." He loved it. He started just with some scraps, to learn how the machine worked and later made a patchwork style Barbie sleeping bag for Angel Baby. It was awesome. Now, he's ready and willing to stitch up anything that he can. I love this. Macboy can sew too. He no longer asks me to fix the little things. He can sew on a button or stitch up a rip in a stuffy. He fixed Luigi's overalls when they came undone, completely on his own. I mean completely, I didn't know it needed fixing until it was done.

As usual, it's all fun and games around here. I know that so much of my holiday was nowhere near what I would have planned, but I think we all benefited greatly from having no plan. Even the kids were calm, until they reached cabin-fever levels from having two weeks off. There was no pressure anywhere. We were all engaged and connected with each other. Everyone was heard. We all had time together. Even the Trucker got in on the craft time, and he is not normally interested in these things.

January has started well and I am looking forward to the New Year and all that it has to offer. Looks like I will be starting school in September when Angel Baby starts kindergarten. It's scary, but it's a wonderful thing too. This will be the year I do great things. At least, greater than last year.... and every year before that. Because each year, I have learned something new and I only improve and grow.

Just like you.

What are you aiming for this year?

Imperfect and Stress Free Christmas?

The holiday season is here. It's a strange time for me. I process so many different thoughts and emotions and I just don't know what I really believe in. 

I was raised in a Jehovah's Witness home. Well, up until I was 8. I had my first Christmas then. I never really felt that I missed out on anything by not having Christmas, but my brother and sister probably did. They were older, I was pretty young when it all changed. I never knew the fascination with Santa or the anticipation of gifts. For my first Christmas, I had to learn to keep my beliefs to myself and pretend to believe in Santa for my step-brothers. That was strange.

Now, I have children of my own. I openly admit that I go overboard at this time of year. Perhaps making the holiday more magical for my kids, makes it more magical for me as well. Yes, Santa visits our house every year and the kids are all excited right now. I look forward to Santa's visit just as much as they do. But, it's different.

Santa isn't about the naughty or nice list in my house. Santa isn't a creepy stalker that watches them while they sleep. Santa, and the Spirit of Christmas, is all about selfless acts. This is the time of year that we give without expectations, in fact we don't go seeking credit for any of the gifts we give. This is the time of year that I might buy coffee for the guy behind me in the drive thru more. This is when I will go out of my way to snuggle on the couch past bedtime, just to let the kids watch that Christmas special that is on at the worst time ever. (Who really thinks that it's right to START the show at bedtime?? Darn TV networks!) 

Santa gives. To everyone he can. And it's not just about necessities, it's the luxury items that we don't get through the year. It's a reminder that everyone deserves a little bit of happiness. We can be serious and hard working all year, but at Christmas we take time to enjoy the extras. 

My kids are spoiled. They rarely want for anything and I am thrilled that it can be this way now. It hasn't always been. But, my kids also understand money. They work for things they want. They know that we can't just shell out cash at every store, every day. They understand priorities and can sort needs from wants. They are smart, and because they normally don't whine for things, they get a lot more given to them. They are spoiled, but not spoiled brats.

Christmas isn't commercial here. Christmas is about the family time. One of the best things, the thing that the kids and I enjoy and remember most each year, is that Christmas day is the only day where we purposely try to stay at home in PJ's all day. We could rush out right after presents to visit everyone in the family, squeeze in multiple dinners at relatives. But we don't. Christmas day is mine. Instead of tearing into gifts and tossing them aside to leave, perhaps rush off to the next house and next set of gifts, we play. We share. We giggle. We build. We watch movies or sing songs. We savour the morning. We love when people come to visit us too, but it's really the only day of the year that we all try to just stay home and stay together. 

Macboy is almost 13. I know I don't have much of this time left. Soon, he'll want to go to friends or (yikes!!) even girlfriends homes.... So I will enjoy every second I can.

I don't think I could give up Christmas and go back to the religion I was raised, but I do know that I don't celebrate Christmas like anyone I know. Except my brother and sister, they are pretty close too. We're different and we're all okay with it. 

This year really proves it all. It is almost Christmas Eve and my tree still isn't decorated. In fact, we just picked it up a few days ago. We've got only half of our decorating done and about 3/4 of our baking done. I still even have shopping to do!! This has got to be the most imperfect and disorganized holiday we've ever had in this house. But, oddly, I think this is the most peaceful holiday I've experienced so far. I am not frustrated or stressed about being behind. We've had a lot of fun that has taken our time away. Why force things to happen in a certain way? 

Who cares what your tree looks like if the kids love it. Who cares if you even have a tree at all! Not one person has come into my house and said "Wow, you haven't done that yet?!?!?" Truthfully, everyone here is just waiting for the time off from school and work! We will finish everything just in time for the Big Man. And he won't decide to leave less in the stocking because I have less decorations up.

My gift to you, to anyone who reads these words, is a reminder that Christmas isn't about rushing or stressing, it is not about getting gifts or buying expensive stuff, it's not even about charity and giving to the less fortunate. Christmas, my dear friends is about love and sharing. So, stop stressing. Start loving. Bake imperfect cookies WITH your kids. Forget the nitpicky village on the mantel - you know the one, that big thing with fake snow that gets dragged all over the house, the one with the awesome looking pieces that the kids aren't even allowed to PLAY with - who will judge you for not putting it up? Volunteer or donate somewhere because you love your neighbour, not because you need to 'give back.'

Put yourself in a giving mood, look through the eyes of your children and remember what really matters right now. It's all the same things that are important year round.

So breathe.... and embrace imperfection. 

That's what makes it all special!.

Enjoy your holiday.

The Spirit of The Season

Another year is drawing to a close. It's amazing how fast this year has gone and how much has changed. I think we don't realize the passing of time in quite the same way until we have children. Not to say that you have to have kids, but it sure drives the point home! Looking at the complete change in clothing, since they've outgrown all the clothes they wore a year ago, is amazing. The subtle changes in their faces are awe-inspiring. My little people are turning into grown ups before my eyes. 

Even Angel Baby. She was so painfully shy a year ago. Now, she is a chatty little girl. She still gets overwhelmed from too many visitors, but she is opening up to those that are close to us. She is learning, oh my is she learning, all kinds of things. She can name her letters and numbers. She can almost count to 20 without help. She is writing some of her letters. She has a defined sense of humor that I just adore. She is definitely not a baby anymore, she is my big girl in all ways.

Art has really come into his own. Being on his own at school this year, since Macboy has moved on to junior high, he is truly becoming more independent everyday. He is a sensitive boy, but is learning better ways to cope with his frustrations. He is sporty and attentive and organized and so, so smart. He's also grown a few good inches this year. He amazes me, and I tell him that often.

Macboy.... I can't even begin to tell you the changes he's shocked me with. It is enough that I want to scream at the teachers of the past "Look at him, he's doing exactly what I told you he could. If you would have just listened to me and pushed just that little bit!!!" He has gone from modified school work and lower expectations to exceeding the expectations of all of his teachers. One has even told me that he taught her a few things already this year. His self esteem is skyrocketing, simply because his teachers don't just demand things and not follow through, but they truly believe in him. I am so very proud of him. His Tourrettes is barely visible now, which is a great indication of lower stress within him. I am .... there are just no words for how I really feel. Inspired is one, but it doesn't say it all.

I transitioned from working at home to just being at home. I've had a few little odd jobs and spent more time writing. I am getting my home in order and taking care of myself and my marriage. Two things that definitely lost my focus while I was trying to do too many things at once. I have my english degree in sight and am working towards getting to full time university. September 2013, I will be starting school along with the Angel Baby. For all of those people of my past who have told me I'm crazy, or that I can't do it, I will. I have had three wonderful reasons showing me that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. 

Unfortunately, I know I can write but no one else really does. I have buckets of words to share, but I'm not quite at the point of making a living off of it. Many items I wrote for work belong to the company, not me, so I can't really use the materials in a portfolio. I feel I need something behind my name to prove that I CAN. 

My goal of my novel by Christmas hasn't worked out well, and Nanowrimo just didn't work for me this year either. But... I am not giving up. Ever. I look forward to the day that I hold a book in my hands that has my name on the cover. It will happen. Even if I only publish one copy, just so I can hold it myself. I will see it happen.

So much has changed this year and has filled me with gratitude. And that is the spirit of the season. Being thankful and giving back. Helping those I can, because I've had help more than once. I am surrounded by love, another part of the spirit of the season. There is peace in my home unlike ever before. I look forward to another spectacular and challenging year of growth and change in my life.

Thank you, for spending another year visiting my little blog. I'm humbled by how much the community has grown without any real efforts on my part. I'm just doing what I feel I need to do for myself.

Do you feel these wonderful things in December? Or do you feel the stress of the Christmas season and expectations? I wish for Peace for all of you.