Smarter Than My Smart Phone

On January 31st, I cracked. The whole week was hard. And rushed. And miserable in so many ways. I was running late. The kids were all late to school. I was set up to be at least ten minutes late for my first class.

I had the beginning signs of high anxiety creeping up on me. My heart was racing, my thoughts rushing and my breathing speeding up. I couldn't take it. I couldn't slow it down. I knew that it really wasn't the end of the world if I was late. I've discussed my personal situation with a very understanding professor. I knew he wouldn't be upset if I was late.

But I couldn't stop the racing.

I turned the van in the opposite direction. Headed to a coffee shop with my books. I tried to focus on what was causing my problems. I went through the long mental list of all the things the kids were doing in the morning that drove me insane. I considered all the reasons why we are regularly rushing. The Trucker says "you just need to wake up earlier." HA. Yeah. That doesn't apply with my own completely inability to actually follow through in a plan to get up earlier. I just couldn't understand it. I get up at 7. I don't do my hair or makeup, I just pull my hair back in a pony tail or clip. I should have enough time.

The kids are so hard to wake up. That has to be it. I need to crack down on bedtime.... Well, no. They actually have been pretty good at bedtime. I can't seem to get the younger two moving until 8. Why? Where does this whole hour go?

I sat there, frustrated at this particular point. I'm getting up earlier, why does it take so much to get them up?

I reached for my phone. I decided a short break from thinking so hard was in order. I opened the Facebook app. Stared at it for a minute. Closed it. Opened Candy Crush, maybe just one level...

Then I closed that app too. This is the moment where it all came crashing down. I figured out the root of my issue.

I opened up my notebook and started to write. It was that soul cleansing outpouring of words that happens every so often. A moment where the pen starts moving and I have to read it all again when I'm done because I have no idea what just poured out. Here is what I scribbled (seriously, I can barely read my own writing.):

Today I change my life.

For one month, just February, I am taking all of my usual distractions off of my phone. If it's all for no real reason, I will know very soon. But this thing is taking time away from what is important.

I read it like a morning newspaper before I get out of bed. I end up rushing because I am looking at things that are not important. These things can set the tone of my day. These things can put me in a sour mood before my feet even hit the floor. It's not worth that.

I look over the top of it and see my daughter's lonely face.  I told her that I needed to finish my school reading first and now, she's waiting for her turn to be important.

I look past it and see the Trucker roll his eyes. I say that I am playing this game because he is watching TV and ignoring me anyway, but what if he is watching TV because I'm not paying attention?

It takes time away from school work.

It interrupts bedtime snuggles and stories, at the very least it delays it.

I can't count how many times I've said "Just a minute." or how often the boys get in the van afterschool and start talking, and I'm trying to finish a level, or enter a comment, before we drive home. Then the drive home is silent, because I have squashed the words they were saying when they got in.

I want more.
I want more eye contact.
I want more Hello's and Goodbyes.
I want more kisses at the door.
I just want more LIFE and I'm taking it.
I'm taking it back.
IT IS MINE. MY life.

Since I have deleted my distractions from my phone, I've had an amazing amount of time returned to me.

I'm astounded (and saddened) by the length of battery life my phone has now. I am also feeling the same about the number of times I find myself reaching for my phone only to stop and remember that there is no reason to. It's getting better, but it's still a lot.

I have had amazing conversations with my family.
I have had a lot of focused study time.
I have enjoyed a break from a lot of drama.
I have had smooth running mornings and no fights with kids because we need to rush.
I have slept really well, because I'm not staying up saying 'just one more level,' or 'I'll just see if someone posted something, I'll be quick.'

I haven't played any of the games I was hooked on, even though I can access them on the laptop. I just don't have the desire to do it.

I am still a Facebook user, but instead of being a constant checker and connected through never-ending notifications, I log in just once or twice through the day. When I do, I do not have the desire to try to scroll through all of the missed time either. I check notifications, pop in to the groups I am involved in. Sometimes, I don't even look at the newsfeed at all.

I keep my phone in my purse or pocket while I am in the van. I make eye contact and conversation with the kids when they get in now. I am waiting for them. They are not waiting for me.

I get out of bed and start the day on my terms. By the time I look at any of these online distractions, I've usually finished the majority of my day.

I hate to admit that the problem was me. Who ever wants to say that? But it certainly was. I wake up at the same time everyday as I did before. But instead of rolling over to look at the smartphone, I get up. I get my coffee made. I crawl in beside the Angel and snuggle up. She wakes up with a smile and a big hug for me. There is no struggle to get her out of bed; she wakes up loved and happy. I go into Art's room and sit on the edge of his bed. I rub his back in small circles for a minute or two, he wakes up with a sleepy "Good Morning, Mom."
Mr. Macboy, He gets himself up these days. He is often up before me. But I greet him every morning and take a minute to ask how he slept.

I will say that the phone helped my transition to wakefulness in the morning. It was a small step on the road to resetting my body clock. At the very least, I was staying awake and not just fighting with the snooze button. For months, I was waking up nice and early and staying awake. But I'd stay in bed where it was warm and cozy for as long as I possibly could. The first few mornings without the distractions were not exactly easy, but I was able to convince myself that if I just got up and made my coffee, I could crawl back in bed and warm up for a minute. Of course, once my feet were on the ground, I didn't go back to bed.

The benefits so far, just ten days in, are real. I am confident that I will not have any trouble getting to the end of February. I am at peace.

As Ready As I Can Be

An interesting thing happened today. I was feeling like I'd kind of wasted some of my time off. I had a few things I wanted to deal with at home and a few things got done. I felt like I should be doing something more, though I couldn't figure out exactly what. And I had absolutely no motivation to look for it.

 

It's not really a bad thing. I spent a large portion of my holidays taking care of important things. Like playing. Or reading. Or just listening to the kids. I spent a bit of my time on my marriage, some quality time with the Trucker. All good things of course.

 

I read a novel. The last installment in a series I loved. I read more of a text that I'd started in my Lit class. Reading was actually on my goal list. I love it and I miss reading for pleasure when classes are running. I may be the one who takes "reading week" a little too seriously and spends all their time with their nose in a book.

 

I've been writing more too. See, these kinds of things would never appear on a to do list and I think that's why I was so upset this morning. (Well, not that upset except when my coffee cup was empty.)

 

I headed in to Art's room this afternoon. He started cleaning yesterday and needed some help with organization of the things that he wanted to keep in there. (Like the Trucker's new tool box that was a Christmas gift and is now slotted for their remote control cars, tools and parts, and will never make it to the garage where it was intended to go.) It didn't take very long, because Art actually keeps himself pretty well organized. He sure doesn't get that from me.

 

At five o'clock, I was trying to decide what I was cooking for dinner. The Trucker was on his way home. I was standing in the kitchen when it hit me.

 

I am actually ready.

 

I can't honestly tell you the last time the house has been in this kind of order. And I felt like I wasn't getting anything done at all. So How Did That Happen?  My room has been picked over and reorganized, even went through my clothing and added to the donate bags. ALL THREE KIDS have clean rooms. I know where all the lunch bags are, and backpacks. I have the school library books ready, not lost. I am caught up to my laundry, it is even put away. I have my text books ready and my binders prepared. I will not be freaking out at 11 pm on Sunday night because I can't find anything.

 

And I didn't even see it happen.

 

It seems to me that:

 

When you really make an effort to be present

 

To be in the moment

 

To pay attention

 

To do the little things

 

To use the help you are given

 

To find the silver linings

 

To smile and laugh more

 

Things start to just happen.

 

You are doing it,

 

No different than you did it before

 

But you are not seeing it the same way.

 

It doesn't actually seem like work.

 

I enjoyed my holiday. I had fun. I relaxed. I spent time with family. I worked in small doses. When I stopped and looked at the things that DID get done, I barely remember doing some of it. I guess I have caught up enough to the flow of crap in the house, and taught the kids a bit better about not keeping things that break or giving away things we no longer use.

 

Really, the only thing I remember 'working' on was Angel's room. She was long overdue for an overhaul. I'm not really sure when all the rest of it happened. Macboy did a great job of his room on his own and didn't need any help. Mom folded and put away one basket of my clean laundry for the kids.

 

I will even admit that I sent a text message to my family to say:

"Holy crap, all the kids rooms are clean, and mine, and the laundry is caught up....

ALL ON THE SAME DAY!!!

This has probably never happened before and may never happen again,

so maybe we should take a picture!"

 

 

I can start classes this term on even ground. I am not starting out behind. I feel great. Just when you think that doing a little job won't matter, it surprises you by adding up. When you think that you don't have time to build a puzzle or listen to a nine year tell a highly exaggerated story, do it anyway. It will pick your spirits up in a way that nothing else can, and then things just start to happen. And you don't feel the 'work' of it, you just feel good.

How Do You Say I Love You?

In case you haven't noticed (hehe) I'm often inspired by The Hands Free Mama. Her writing is almost always a message I need to hear, just at the right time. Well, she's done it again. But what I didn't expect was the response that this little thing would bring.

She wrote about A Sign Of Love, how to share your feelings with your family when you are not there and how this should not be just when you are going away. It is important to tell your loved ones that they are loved.

My boys have a Super Mario fascination. Well, it's pretty darn close to obsession. They have been building a large collection of plush figures with their own money. It's pretty impressive.

A few days ago, Art asked me to repair Luigi's overalls. The strap came unstitched. A few swipes with a needle would have him back to normal.  I was exhausted, I asked him to bring it to me in the morning. Just before bed, Macboy came with the same request.  I asked him to remind me in the morning, as I already knew but just couldn't do it right now.

Macboy, who knows I'm forgetful, wrote it on the fridge. We have a magnetic dry erase board for grocery lists and important messages. He wrote "Fix Luigi" at the bottom of the board.  The next morning, I came upstairs and saw the note. I got the coffee pot running and called Macboy to bring me Luigi, I would fix it first thing so it wouldn't get missed.

He says "Thanks mom, I did it already."  I was so proud I was bursting! I taught him basic sewing quite awhile ago. I believe that is a skill everyone should have. Being able to replace a button or fix a seam is important. More so for short people like me, pants just do not come this short!  A little later he was at his friends house and it struck me how he took the initiative and tried. He may not have been able to get it and could have had help, but he tried anyway. And he did it.

So I changed the note on the fridge to read:

Macboy,
I am very proud of you for fixing Luigi by yourself. I think it's great that you can sew like that. Good Job!
Love Mom

He got home just before dinner and I could see in his face that he'd read the note. No one said anything, it didn't need any further words. We all felt good.

While I was cooking, knowing that he'd seen his note and not wanting leave anyone out, I wrote to Art.

Art
I'm really proud of you for going out of your way to play with your sister today. It was a big help for me. Thanks! Love you!
Mom

It didn't take long for him to be walking around all puffed up. He was pleased with himself as he should be. I even got extra hugs that night at bedtime. It's always nice to be thanked for doing the things we do everyday.

After we had dinner, which turned out great, I headed into the kitchen to start the dishes.  I looked at the note on the fridge, feeling good because I had made my kids feel good.  I never expected to find this:

This may very well be the closest thing to a love letter I've gotten in years. But it was powerful. The Trucker wrote to me. For everyone to see.  I was touched so deeply, especially at a time when I am battling my way out of depression and negativity.

This wasn't the end either.  I took a picture of it, not to share here originally, but to have it close to me when I need to hear those words that aren't said often. Then I washed the board down and wrote "I have the best family EVER!"

I headed to bed that night knowing that there was a lot of love flowing through the house.  I told the Trucker how proud I am of him. He went from having no license when I met him to being a class 1 driver for a living. He's proof that people can change their life path. He never stops amazing me.

When I woke up, there was yet another note. This time from my mom. She passed on the good feeling that she got just from seeing these things. "I'm so lucky to live with my big family. We are all here for each other even when we're not getting along. I love you all"

It all started with one little gesture. A short note, long overdue for all of us.

Make sure you embrace the good moments, no matter how big or small. It will do wonders for everyone. No one should ever have to guess how we feel.

Go. Show someone close to you that you are thinking of them.
I dare you.

It's All Just A Balancing Act

I read an article recently that stated that women who believe that it is possible to maintain a proper work/life balance with families are MORE likely to suffer from depression than those who don't think it is possible.  I found this pretty interesting and started looking through my history to see how this applied.

A few years ago, I was working full time outside of my home. I didn't strive for perfect balance, I barely managed sometimes. I lived on an "as-needed" basis most days. I wasn't stressed about what was or wasn't getting done because I simply knew that it was a crap-shoot. Can't win them all, so just do what you can.

Then I had a great maternity leave after my last baby. I was afforded the luxury of being at home for a year. I learned all kinds of neat things about managing my home and life as well as raising my kids. I was also home at a time that became difficult with my oldest meeting with several doctors and psychiatrists where we finally reached a diagnosis. I was not a crazy mom, something about that boy WAS special.

I had a spotless, organized home. My days just flowed. I had a few hours every afternoon where I could sew or read or relax. Every day.  Then finances got tight. The trucker was laid off just before Christmas and I had just barely begun working again. I was struggling to manage the home, family, special needs and schools, support the trucker until he got working again, and work from home.

Working from home is an illusion. It doesn't make anything in life easier, it makes it more complicated. It is easy to get sidetracked from work to laundry and the other way, from relaxing family time to checking emails and such.  I couldn't figure out why it was all so hard to do.
I fell into a depression that just seemed never-ending.

Why?  Because I still believed I could do it all. I still believed as I had before when working away from home that I could get everything looked after. I failed to remember that I didn't do it all before. I let it all slide. Life was simple and that worked.  When I started working at home, I had the mindset that I could balance perfectly. I had a few hours every day that were free before, so I could fill them with work and nothing had to change.

I certainly agree with that article. (You can read it here) When I believed I could balance, I suffered. When I didn't think it was possible and didn't try so desperately, I survived. Interesting perspective.

When I had my most recent meltdown, I revealed that I've spent much of my summer trying to please everyone else first. Because I filled my free time with work, I forgot to replace the free time for myself somewhere else.

So, I'm readjusting my schedule. I'm changing my priorities and because I have blasted all of the truth out of my head, my family (mother and trucker) is on my side. There will be less pressure. I am signing on at a gym for some ME time.  I will not compromise my breaks for others needs. Work is important and will be a priority, but not at the expense of my family. Others in the house need to pick up some responsibility too. And those things that just can't get done, will simply wait.

No one died from having dishes sit overnight. No one ended up in the hospital because there were toys on the floor. Well, wait. Maybe, if they like tripped on Lego or slipped down the stairs on a hot wheels car (can you tell I've got boys?)...  My pain in the a** portable dishwasher is going to get some exercise. I don't use it often because it is just annoying to move around. But I will.

I was definitely happier when I didn't think it was possible to do it all.  So I'm going to stop trying and just do what feels right.  Starting now, I have to listen to all my own advice! I need to really pay attention to the positive messages I am sending. And I need to share more of the positives with the people here, in my house, not just for readers online. I appreciate the small moments. Those are the moments that pull me through.

The balance will shift back and forth from time to time. That's okay too. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done. Right?

Wish me luck!  And kick me every now and then when I sound like I'm forgetting this!

Gotta Get Away

What a FABULOUS weekend!  It was relaxed and unplugged. I shut my cellphone off as soon as we hit our campsite and didn't turn it on again until we were heading home. 

We arrived early Friday afternoon and returned home Monday afternoon. We had everything we needed while we were away, so there were no necessary trips to town or anywhere else for that matter.  Everyone pitched in, there was no complaining about the boys helping with their sister, the only arguments about cleaning up dishes were from my sister saying "No, I can do that, you go sit!"  

There was no hum of a laptop fan. There were no extra voices streaming from a TV. There were no text messages, emails, video games.

We were a family. We were outdoors. We worked together and had a blast.  When the weather was a bit yucky, we did allow the kids to play on DSI's which we had brought for the truck ride out and back. For whatever foolish reason you can find, our board game collection was not in the trailer as usual.  We made small concessions, but still tried to limit the video game time as much as we could.

My kids, rode their bikes, played in the playground, got muddy.  They played outside in the rain, and in the sun. We took a short trip down to the lake and played in the water for a while. There were watergun fights. There were games of horse shoes.  Even bike races, with the adults on the kids bikes.

It was just all relaxed.  There was no schedule to follow, just do what we felt like when the mood struck.

I had brought my e-reader so I would have a selection of books, but when the opportunities to read presented itself I didn't want to. I sat and watched the fire, I looked up at stars, and mostly I watched my children play.  I was thoroughly selfish this weekend. I ate up every moment I could. 

I was not an active participant playing with my kids, leading my daughter through the park or showing my kids new tricks. I did somethings, but mostly I just watched. I let their imaginations run their days. I soaked up every second of it.

There was no "Mom, look at me! Mom, come see this! Mom, check this out!" because I was already watching. They felt my attention in ways that I normally can't give them.  By doing LESS, I showed them MORE.  By stepping back from teaching moments, I was able to learn from them.

We will be returning to our Wednesdays Without Electronics. We all clearly need the detox more often.  Not just the kids, but all of us. 

There were plenty of 'learning moments' for me on this trip, even if it was a short trip.  I need to keep my eyes OPEN. I have got to keep up my fight against distraction. No one can live my life for me. I don't want to miss anymore of it.

One Sided Friendships Sink Eventually

Do you have one of those friends?  You know, the one who expects your phone call. The one who will quickly remind you of all the times they have done something for you?  That one who tells everyone that you never call but in reality they don't even remember your number? 

When do you decide that it's time to let go?  How do you walk away from possibly years of history, laughter and tears that were shared. It's not easy to justifiably walk away, especially if the other person doesn't believe you tried. How do you push your pride out of the way, and walk away? 

Do you worry about the past secrets that were shared coming out?  Do you wonder if all the silly stupid things you have done and forgotten will suddenly be remembered (and shared behind your back)?

Part of my mission to become happier means that I have to examine some of the things that I'm holding on to, and that includes people.  I need to make sure that the main influences in my life are positive ones.  I can honestly say there are not a lot who fall into this dark area of my life.  And those that do exist there, haven't really been "here" for quite some time. I strongly suspect that some will not even notice I have done anything different.

I let go of one friendship a few years back. She had no kids, she didn't understand how I could ever be "that busy."  She had a very negative outlook, from work to men and everything in between. It was hard to talk to her and after a while I was inclined to let the machine get the call. It felt awful.  If I did have an opportunity to squeeze in a word, she may have had a chance to understand what my life was about.

When she told me "where to go" in her frustration one day... I went. 

There is another who seems to believe that I will never understand her. My life and hers are very similar and yet have gone completely different directions. Her new friends and my new friends are nothing alike. She's consistently mad at me, or rude about me. I spent more than enough time trying to figure out what I actually did wrong.

You know what I came up with? Not much.  

A few years back, she told me very bluntly that I am self-destructive. In that moment I was furious! She was supposed to be my support, my sounding-board, why would she say something like that?  Well, because that's what a good friend does. They tell you when you are being stupid. They want you to be better, for you and for them.  I took a hard lesson from that conversation. I learned a lot and changed a lot.  I didn't stay mad over a truth I didn't want to hear, I took it to heart and trusted that she was saying it out of love for our friendship.  This open discussion didn't work both ways for us, as she later rejected a hard truth I told her. She held that truth against me, even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever said out loud in my life.  I'm willing to bet that she completely denies I ever spoke those words.

I think the day she called me self destructive was her version of telling me "where to go." We still talked, but not as often and after a while it slowed even more. Lately, we have not talked at all. I have called, and we can talk like it was just yesterday when we talked last, but I have called less and less over the years. And I can't honestly say the last time she called me. I don't think she has called me for years. But there I was. Sensitive, worrying, over-thinking Wendy. Trying to figure out how to bring her back. 

She needs a good friend now more than ever.

We live two different lives. It hurts to lose such a long standing friendship, but it's time for me to let go. I'm not going to let myself feel guilt for not phoning anymore. I love her to pieces but this is wholly one-sided now and I'm letting go.  

Just because she needs a friend, doesn't mean it has to be me.

Freeing myself from negative relationships will give me room to nurture the good ones. No longer berating myself for hurting someone, even though I don't know when or how or even IF I did; instead, I can focus on gratitude for the good friends in my life.

How can I show my kids how to maintain good friendships when I carry on unhealthy ones myself?  

How do I model self esteem when I allow others to knock me down over and over again for their own personal gain?  

My mom told me the same things I tell my kids, "friends like that are not friends worth having."  Why did I have to wait until 32 to really learn that lesson?

As hard as it may be right now, I am officially freeing myself of the guilt of letting go. I will acknowledge the emails, messages, phone calls that have been put out there and be proud of myself for fighting so long in a losing battle.  In a case like this, I am okay with admitting defeat.  I will tuck away the good memories of years past before bitter feelings take over and wipe away all the fun times that were.

A true friend, a good friend, even an okay friend... will be honest with you. If they are mad, they will tell you why. If they think you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, they will tell you. They will laugh with you, walk with you, talk with you. They will be there to cry with you too. A good friend will not spend countless hours reminding you of past favors, they will simply let it go. They will know that you are there to help if you are ever needed.

If I am trying to stop being so hard on myself, 

I need to stop letting others be hard on me too.

WWE - Something A Bit Different

June 15 was not a great success for Turning It Off.  It was not an entire failure, but we could have done better.  I didn't realize the kids were watching TV in their room after school. I wasn't watching the Angel Baby playing her games. I just didn't feel it. But then I was on vacation and didn't feel well, either. Yes, technology is a great babysitter sometimes.  But I tried not to spend much time on the computer, the kids tried not to keep watching show after show and even the trucker didn't really watch anything either.  

We discussed a change to Thursday or Friday.  But after a while, I released everyone from the guilt of using gadgets by reminding them we have just started this adventure, we are bound to make mistakes. You know, life happens. I don't want this to be about being perfect. And I sure don't want it to turn into punishment either. I'm not going to ground my kids (don't tell them this) for blowing off media free day. I'm just trying to provide a better example for them while encouraging them to disconnect too.

In order to keep you in the loop for media free days, I will share something else. I have to share one of my biggest inspirations of late, particularly in having this time OFF and paying attention to my life as it is now.  Hands Free Mama has written so many beautiful posts about living life. She encourages us and ourselves to just live the moments. Not stress for perfection but embrace the little moments. We all have Somedays that are not so great, where we feel like we have messed up or we are just not good enough.  But she reminds us all, by reminding herself and sharing with us along her journey.

So when you finish reading my updates.. (yes, me first....hehehe) Head over there and see if you can make it through a post without tears. Can you read any of her stuff that doesn't hit home in one way or another?  She is not running around telling everyone to turn off gadgets, this is something I have chosen, but she does advocate taking at least 20 minutes everyday to be present with your family.  I always feel so good after reading her writing. I'm sure you will too.

In an effort to be happy, you need to share the happiness. Last night I sent a personal email to Rachel, and told her exactly what I feel when I read her blog. I thanked her for sharing these moments in her life and encouraged her to keep doing what she's doing.  She deserves to know what a great thing she is doing and I wanted to make sure she did!

So, take some time today, whether you read there, or stay here, or don't read anything else at all... 

...take a few minutes to tell someone how special they are to you. 

...take a few minutes to really ask your kids how their day was and LISTEN to the answer. 

...take a few minutes to find pride in yourself for an accomplishment today, no matter how big or small.

...take a few minutes to actually say I love you to your loved ones.

When I think of the great small moments I've been a part of for my family, I can't imagine what life would be like without them.  What I might have missed when I was busy that could not have been replaced. I'm glad to be here. 

Right in the middle of my life.

Hey Perspective, Move A Bit Will Ya?

When you are frustrated with something more than half your day, it can be really hard to shift your perspective. And I'm not talking about those times where it's just one annoying thing that bugs you all day.  These are the days where it's just one thing after another.

someone spills their juice

while you clean that up someone dumps the sand out of their shoes in the kitchen,

while you get the broom someone has an "accident"

While you plug your nose and try to help them clean up,

someone helps themselves to last night's leftovers in the fridge

When you try to figure out who left dishes everywhere,

someone colors the coffee table with crayons.

THOSE kind of days.  That's the kind of day I was having when the trucker was leaving for his camping trip.  Sadly I know that he was so caught up in his own list of things to realize I was going insane right in front of him.  I was so angry. so JEALOUS that he could just walk through this chaos and not even notice?!?!?  That he felt perfectly confident to leave me alone with all the kids.  He can go off on a fun guys weekend and leave me here

stuck with the kids.

That was the statement that caught my attention.

That was the moment I realized the problem was just as much me.

And THAT was the moment that I made a change.

I am not "stuck with the kids."  I have a great opportunity to just enjoy my kids. To not worry about butting heads with the trucker over what we are doing or where we are going. The only person with plans this weekend was him.  For us, we are not left behind. We suddenly have a 100% plan free weekend. We jumped in the van and headed out.  We had no direction, no agenda, just time. Time, gas in the van, and an opportunity to just do anything.

And so we did.

The Angel Baby slept past eleven Saturday morning, because our adventuring just seemed to fly by.  I had no concept of time when we finally realized it was eleven p.m. and we were still not home.  Everyone was happy, everyone was relaxed. I did not get my kids to bed until almost midnight.  

Saturday was not horrible either. No one seemed to be worse for wear from staying up super late. Which is odd, quite often I have someone grumbling or whining after a really late night.  Saturday was another opportunity to just play. We had a birthday party to attend for my niece, but otherwise, not one ounce of planning involved.  Another fun late night (but not nearly as late for Angel Baby) just family.  Just games and giggles and play. (Art challenged me to Just Dance 2 on the Wii.  I think we are tied for scores, but he definitely kicked my butt when I woke up with sore legs and feet this morning and he just jumped back into the game.)

It's not that we don't miss the trucker. We do.  And it's not like we don't have family times like these.  Just not many.  The trucker has travel in his blood. He can't sit still. He needs entertainment and things to do.  I guess that's why he likes his job. He's always going somewhere.  We like to have these kinds of breaks where there is just NO AGENDA.   It's good for everyone.

This morning I asked the boys if they were ready for a SUPER AMAZING CRAZY BUSY DAY FULL OF FUN AND ADVENTURE.

They said "No."  Which is good, I have laundry to do and toys to tidy. I also need to finish some work that I didn't get after on Friday and catch up to the latest online. haha.

(sorry for the lack of pictures... the trucker has the good camera.)

Freedom and Independance

Being a mom, I think the hardest part is letting go.  As your kids get older they can do more and WANT to do more.  I've been a bit of an overkill super mom most of the time, and I definitely KNOW that I have sheltered my kids more than I've needed to in some situations. But, that's my choice and right. If I'm stupid enough to do everything for them, they are smart enough to let me.

Recently I've started letting the boys go on little bike rides or walk to the store without me. (The store is across the street.  Sad, I know. I can see it from my living room and I still get nervous if they take too long.)

Step one on the road to freedom was walking home for lunch.  I'm a crazy work at home mom, so WHY do I stop my day to go pick up my kid at lunch?  It's not far and again, I can see him walking almost the entire way way if I just step out my door.  But I'm a paranoid freak of nature (I've said that before!!)

Now that Art has decided that he likes coming home too, I've had a harder time. Is Macboy 2.0 old enough to take on the responsibility?  Umm... yes. If I allow him to walk with his brother to get us all slurpees... I should be able to let him walk to SCHOOL.  I'm just so terrified!! I don't want them to grow up scared like me, but still.  When is 'ready'?  How do you know?

Simple.  You DON'T.  You take a leap of faith.  You let them do it and PRAY for the best. You choke on your coffee everytime the phone rings, in case it's the school calling to say they didn't make it.  You consider driving by to make sure they are there at recess. (which I have...ugh)

This week.... Art has come home twice so far. I'm sick. I have a sick baby girl.  I'm tired. I have a headache. They want to ride bikes back after lunch.  I can let them ride to the park by themselves on Saturday (when I have nothing but faith to lean on because there is NO phone call to tell me they haven't made it) so I SHOULD be able to do this. 

Monday, I had to go check.  I used the guise of teaching for this one.  I had to show them the 'right way' to lock up their bikes.  Bonus for me, they hadn't done it right or I would have had no excuse to be there.  Today, I have to grin and bear it, I know they will be fine. I know that the only thing that might go wrong is that Art will find mud. Even with the weather being dry, 

he will find mud.  Always does.

On Monday, I was there, waiting.  I saw Macboy 2.0 outside. I saw Art come out. I waited. And waited. And ART waited... Macboy was not at the bike racks.  After a few minutes, a red faced boy came around the corner of the school. Hand on his forehead as if that would help hide his embarassment.

"I was looking for you at the front. 

I forgot we had the bikes here."

Proud mommy moment #65,912

He was wearing his bike helmet the whole time.

What Else Can You Do?

Please soothe my burning throat?

I'm really not feeling well.  I've got a terrible headcold and a sore throat. Today I woke up with almost no voice. As much as my family may enjoy the break, I'm hoping this doesn't last.  Yesterday, I was hopeful that this would pass quickly.  A good night's sleep would have me back on track today, or at least closer to it.  But no, of course, that would be too easy. 

Summer is coming, the nights are brighter, the boys don't fall asleep as well.  At 11:15 I screamed down the hall "That's the last time I will see you out of your ROOM!"  It wasn't the last time, though.  And NO, I don't think that screaming at my kids all night has anything to do with my lost voice. haha.  

The Angel Baby has this same bug that I have.  She's so stuffed up and tired looking it breaks my heart.  Last night while I was cooking dinner she fell asleep on the couch.  I quietly so those few words that I hate to HAVE TO say.  "Better let her sleep. She's tired and sick. She needs it. It'll be okay."  Yep, it was. GREAT. She slept until 10:30.  Then she was ready for the party and kind of ticked that there wasn't one.  

I did finally manage to crawl into bed somewhere around 1.  But I woke up a bunch of times anyway.  I am wiped.  After taking the boys to school this morning, I crawled back in bed.  Miss Party Animal kindly slept until almost 11 am. 

AND SO DID I.

After getting up, I got her and I dressed and got the boys lunch ready. Today will be a no-nap-for-princesses day, but at least I got some sleep this morning.

Being in this foggy state, I have accomplished very little.  Miss Angel Baby is being extra... special... today.  And I'm ready to go insane.   I decided that I should at least get the dishes done and kitchen cleaned up.  I avoided the dishes last night since I thought a good sleep would fix me up.  Even if it didn't work out that way... those stinkin (almost literally stinky) dishes were glaring at me from the dirty countertop.

The perfect workspace?

I had to change the water a few times.  I had to sit and catch my bearings after the hot water gave me dizzy spells a couple times.  I had to work around the extra chair and the Angel Baby washing dishes with me.  It took much longer than normal.

I stopped to dry a few things a second time (making space for more washing), when I reached over to grab more from the drain rack I realized that Angel Baby was taking clean things and throwing them back in the dishwater.
Then she started swinging the soaking wet dish cloth around, trying to 'give' it to me.

I felt my last nerve snap.

"JUST STOP! MOMMY WANTS TO FINISH THIS QUICK!"

With her beautiful little smile, 

ear to ear and oh, so proud, 

She starts clapping and says 

"Helpful!"

Oh, crap. What do I do now?  She is 2, she is not sabotaging my secret plan to take over the world one stinkin dish at a time.  No matter how crappy I feel, I can't say no to that!  

If I start saying no now, she may never want to help later....

Heaven help me, she's the only hope I've got!

Mom Lessons - Stay Focused

You can accomplish great things if you walk with purpose.  Take each step in faith that the end result will be exactly how you want it to be.  If you stay focused, don't let anyone distract you, no goal is out of reach. No dream is beyond grasping. Even if your steps are small, or you get delayed along the way, step forward again as soon as you can.

A side lesson is hidden here too.  My little girl reinforced a message I have shared before, celebrating small things is important too.  A goal, no matter how big or small, is a goal that should be celebrated.  We control all of the moments in our lives.  Every little step we take will take us closer to what we want.

Always start small.  

If you keep a slow and steady pace you will succeed.

 If you think the grass is greener over there...

go look or get over it.

 Finish what you start.

Our goals are often personal.

Meaning, they don't need to make sense to 

ANYONE BUT YOU!

I do sincerely wish that I could work on things with that same focus.  Have you ever watched your toddler coloring?  The serious look, tongue sticking out slightly as they work studiously on completing that perfect little line.  Even though the final result is always a full page of scribbles, they hand it to us with such pride and determination that we just can't do anything but hang it on the fridge!  I wish I could take such pride in my work instead of second-guessing myself.  

This little lady, my Angel Baby, spent almost a full hour finding the right bits of dirt, the perfect blades of grass, the right sized rocks and mixed them ever so carefully in her bucket.  She was so proud to present her final product.  She giggled like crazy when I took the last picture.  

And, for the record... this time...

the grass really was greener over there.

Mom Lessons - Life Balance

For most of my parenting years, I have been a working mom.  I hated every minute of it when I was home, and of course, loved every second when I was there.  I felt powerful. I felt strong.  I felt needed.  And I always ended the day with a sense of accomplishment.

For short periods, I was a stay at home mom.  I hated having my kids in daycare of any sort.  My oldest hated being there even more.  So every minute of my maternity leave was a treasure for all of us.  I could be here, I could be at the school. I could bake and sew and get up 85 times a night when they were sick.  I could kiss the hurts away, I could read the stories, play at the park and be every bit of MOM that I had ever wanted to be.  

After Angel Baby, the company I worked for went bankrupt. I had no job to go back to.  With three kids, the cost of daycare for the baby plus before and after school care was $1850 a month. So for me to make any money working was almost impossible. Why work 40+ hours to bring home a few hundred dollars a month?  So, I became frugal mommy.  I cut coupons, I sewed my own cloth diapers, I even converted the Trucker off of Timmies and onto a thermos full of home-coffee.  I did all my shopping in one trip to save gas. But eventually, there was just no where else to cut from and I had to get some income.  

I was hugely fortunate to find a job that I could do at home. It's a very flexible position that allows me to still live my dreams of being mommy. Sometimes I get really wrapped up in a project. I don't hear my kids asking me questions, or I give half answers that really mean ... nothing.  

Have you been there?  You ask someone a question and the answer has almost NOTHING to do with the question?  "Mom, do we have anymore paper towels?"  "Sure, I think we went shopping last weekend."  Well, I might have answered the question... if we had actually bought paper towels.. but truthfully, I had no idea what you just asked me for... and don't ask how I got that answer. It doesn't make sense to me now either.

There are times when I have an overdue project, or a tight deadline, or have procrastinated so severely that 

I MUST FOCUS!!!

And I know that it's not fair of me to neglect the needs of my family because I have work to do.  I work part time. It should never consume me full time. (but it does sometimes)  I get stressed.  I get frustrated.  I don't know how to email this file and finish that project and get the dishes done and laundry folded while cooking dinner with a sick baby clinging to my leg and wiping her nose on my shirt!!!!

It gets overwhelming.  

And then my Macboy... 

Oh, very sorry, 

he has corrected me.

He's not Macboy at all.

He is Macboy 2.0... 

...brings home this simple sweet gift. 

My little man.  Wise beyond his years.  Innocently hands me a strong message.  I'm certain this didn't involve massive amounts of forethought.  I am positive that the message I read here, was no where near the message he was sending.  To him it was mother's day flowers.  Which is great just the way it is.

But to me, it is much more.  It is a flower pot for my home office. Pens for me to write stories. And notes. Flowers to brighten my space, to remind me of my boy when he's not at home.  And most importantly, it is a reminder that work is not everything. No matter how big the project or close a deadline is, we should  

always take time to stop and smell the flowers.

Don't get wrapped up in work. Don't stress for perfection.  Let the house get messy sometimes. Keep your priorities straight. A short peak at my daily to-do list will reflect this.  The first two are the most important.  I want to have memories of fun times. Not kids playing or watching TV while I work.  Not kids hiding in their room so they don't mess up the living room. But fun, giggling, laughing, playing, family FUN.  And be present.  It is important to stop and smell the flowers, to shut off the constantly rotating to-do list in your head and HEAR the kids giggle.  See the baby girls face while she's squishing mud through her fingers. Moments can be missed in a heartbeat or faster if you don't pay attention.  I want to be with them, not just in the same room.

HAVE FUN

BE PRESENT

LAUGH

SMILE MORE

READ EVERYDAY

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Mom Lessons - Security Services

Reassurance and security are two very important things in a child's life.  It is a mommy's responsibility to nurture these needs in their kids.  We teach them that it is important to hold on to the important things in life.  

We teach them about strong bonds. Good, long lasting connections to good friends.  We comfort them when they are sad.  Reassure them when they strike out in soft ball.  We pick them up, brush them off and carry them away from the hurts of life.  As much as we hate it, we LET them fall, we let them make their choices and get hurt.  

It hurts us too.

They grow strong from all these bumps and bruises, tears and fears.  And we grow strong too.  As we teach them how handle their lives on their own, we are slowly teaching ourselves how to live without them too.  We are learning to let go at the very same time they are learning to take control.  

We teach them value.  We show them how to appreciate things that we have in life.  We show them, often through trial and error how to keep their possessions safe.  And their emotions too.  It is certainly easy to lose both your keys and your heart.... 

I can think of plenty of times that I fell on my own mommy's lap in tears.  She'd rub my back and wipe my tears.  And then in her own motherly way, she'd tell me things like 'This too shall pass."  Being a mom myself, I now know that she was totally thinking "I told you so."  "I knew that was gonna happen." and of course "When will you ever learn?"  But of course, we mommies everywhere NEVER SAY those things.

We let them feel their feelings, cry their tears, lose their lego.

We make them feel safe and secure.

We show them how to take care of things.

Like their shoes.

It's the little things we just don't know we are showing them, that they hang on to.  What message are you sending?  I'm pretty happy with this one!

Mom Lessons - Mothers Day Gifts

Yesterday was Mothers Day.  So many years this has ended up as just another day.  Another Sunday where hubby wakes up before me but leaves me the baby monitor.  Where no activities are planned and where I am 'entitled' to make a special breakfast.  There were a few times where I scored just by living with my mom.  My brother came to make us waffles for breakfast. Easy out for my crew... and they appreciated it!

This year was different.  This year was ... I hate to call it a success since that would be like calling other years a failure.  But it really was.  I FELT like mom-of-the-year.  They let me sleep late (though I did kind of feel ripped off since I woke up before Angel Baby, haha).  They didn't make me breakfast, BUT... I didn't have to make THEM breakfast!  There were gifts and even a full hour of kid free time.... while we were ALL still in the same house!

I even got to have...

....a whole shower....

.....without a little head popping through the bathroom door!

It was DIVINE!

One of the most important things I got from this Mothers Day was that I have it all wrong.The things I did through the year trying to be a good mom, are not anywhere near the things that my kids remember.  So I'm going to focus more on the things they are teaching me and less on what I want to teach them. I'm not going to stop being a mother as I am now, I just needed a shift in perspective.

I took some time to think about my childhood and things I remember about my parents.  They divorced when I was just 5, so I have very few memories of them together.  I don't think that matters much.  I just realized that the memorable things were not always the 'important' things.  The unexpected road trips.  The nights of playing cards. Snuggling in a blanket with a good movie.  I remember my favorite foods that were made. I remember that no matter how much of a pain it was to make some of those dishes, Mom still made them.  Now that I'm older, she'd gladly give me the recipe for many of them rather than making it herself, but I still LOVE those things. 

Once, when we had one of those dishes here with my kids, they asked me what was so special about it.  That night was just a simple dish but one that takes a lot time and effort to prepare. I didn't really have a good answer. It was just a special dish.  A family recipe. Even great-grandma makes it.  What made it special?  That my mom made it an no one else's mom did.

Page one of my Mothers Day Story from Art says
My mom is the greatest because....

...she makes the best cookies.

Does he care that I spend hours washing clothes? Does he love the way I fold them with the pictures facing up?  Does he wait for me wash the dishes just so?  No, No and not likely ever!

He doesn't care about any of the pain in the butt parts of the day.  He likes to open the cookie jar and find home made mom's special cookies.  He likes to feel that little bit of leftover warmth escaping from the cookie jar when he opens it.  The heat that tells you "mom just made these today."  He likes the chewy cookie and the partly melted chocolate chips when they are fresh from the oven. He likes them so much that I make cookies for his class instead of cupcakes on his birthday.  Sure, it's nice to find Oreo's or Dad's Oatmeal cookies... But the faces are lit up and the grins are ear to ear when they find home baked cookies.  And even more fun is when he gets to help make them.

This Made Today's Mom Lesson Simple.

A home made gift trumps a store bought one EVERYDAY.

I think it's time to bake!