Dear Teachers,

I have great respect for teachers. They have many challenges to face day to day while instructing and caring for our children. They need to attempt to accommodate the needs of a several unique learners and provide a foundation of knowledge that these students will continue to use to some extent for the rest of their lives.

 

However, not all teachers are amazing and wonderful. Not all teachers care about the success or failure of their students. Not all teachers even comprehend the importance of a child's mental health with respect to learning.

 

I understand that you are not a group of psychologists, but in order to teach a child you should have some deep understanding of children. If you can't deal with small kids, don't teach in elementary schools. If you get tired of moody teenagers, don't teach them. You make the choice where you want to go, not the kids.

 

Frankly, if you have taught so long that you are jaded, quit. Allow teachers with a passion for sharing a love of learning to teach. If you don't really genuinely love children and everything that makes us who we become as adults, don't teach.

 

There is the saying that 'those who can't, teach' and I hate that saying. Some teachers project their own shortfalls into their lessons. Some recall such a rosy experience in primary and secondary school and don't actually understand the kids who have troubles during school years. As an adult, I have had very few conversations with people that actually enjoyed school entirely. Even those who did like school tend to have some period that they remember with sadness or regret.

 

I also understand that you have a curriculum to follow. You can not randomly choose what you teach our children, you must abide by laws. And those laws are becoming increasingly influenced by major corporations. I am frightened of the future of education. Legally required education that is formed by politics and businesses? Yikes. What kind of world are we creating?

 

So, you take your curriculum and you teach it in more than one way, that will appeal and make sense to a broader range of students. You must teach them to love learning, not to love your subject matter.

 

For example, my son has never enjoyed language arts (English). He carried a C average, doing just enough to scrape by from year to year. In grade seven, he encountered a teacher who actually found compelling ways to teach her literature. He has earned A's on many assignments with her. She is engaging, she is passionate and she is fun. She uses books and videos, and she encourages her students to find the parts that speak to them. She doesn't dictate subject matter for writing assignments. She gives a style and gives the class the chance to include their own interests. She is receptive to their input.

 

Another teacher follows the curriculum more closely, but has very clearly defined expectations. There are consequences for those who do not do their homework and her consequences NEVER change. There is no inequality in her classroom. It is easy to fit within these boundaries. Every child has the same rules and expectations, even in the cases where children have individual program plans in place.

 

Just today, I was confronted by statements or positions that disturb me greatly.

 

First is the teacher who says "he works below the level he is capable of and at this stage, he should not have to be reminded." At what age is it, exactly, that we suddenly become innately aware of what we are supposed to do? If my child meets the requirements, and is attaining A's in almost all of his classes, what is there to indicate that he should be doing more? Especially if you don't encourage more? How is a child, who gets A's on report cards, going to feel if you continually tell them they can do better? What is better? And then these same teachers wonder why they have some students struggling through perfectionist issues. Well, if an A isn't good enough, nothing will ever be.

 

Another, is a teacher who simply doesn't care if a student does any of his work or not. Today, I heard "well, he pushes me a bit on major assignments, but otherwise he never even notices what I'm doing." There are many problems in this classroom. We have a teacher who doesn't want to waste time on confrontation, or even risk a confrontation, so he doesn't push anyone. He only pushes on the assignments that affect the report card and it is increasingly becoming obvious to me that the report card grades are meaningless. They are only provided for the teacher to prove he can 'do his job.' And he is failing in my opinion. The students have no respect for the teacher, because the teacher doesn't have a backbone. He also doesn't follow up with parents. And if I contact him, he doesn't want to take the time to provide me with assignment details so that I can get my child to work on them at home.

 

In this day and age, we have so many technological ways to encourage and support our kids in their education. I get that some parents are not interested and do not take the time to communicate with teachers. But those of us who DO, should be taken seriously. And if the resources are there to stay in better communication with parents online, use them. As a university student, almost all of my class resources are easily available and even if I miss a class, I can get all the information I need. Many schools are striving to use online portals, but they are wasted efforts if teachers don't use them.

 

I am so frustrated and angry. Teaching should be a highly respectable profession. I agree that good teachers are not paid what they are worth, but I very much feel that many teachers are overpaid. I believe that education degrees are a little too simplified in an age of increasing inclusion. School boards are pushing all-inclusive access for students, but do not pay enough to compensate for the additional education that our teachers need in order to serve this wider range of children.

 

And of course, I hardly believe that the socialization we gain in school is anywhere near as important as society makes it out to be. We are perfectly capable of being "socialized" without being forced to endure hours and hours of institutionalized education. Without being subjected to peer pressures, abuse, bullies, drug addicts. And poor quality teachers.

 

With my three children, I can honestly say that there have been only 6 or 7 teachers who stand out or have made a difference for my kids. I have worked with (since I am a partner in my kid's educations) about 25  different teachers. I have also seen the difference in some teachers who have taught more than one of my children. Some kids are easier, built better for the public school environment. But one teacher can fail or succeed in many ways. One teacher can overlook or forget about the easy student, who then slips because no one cares. One teacher can misunderstand the special needs of another student. One teacher can see a label, where other teachers see a person.

 

Every single child matters. Every day.

 

So teachers, before you begin to hate me for judging you, remind yourself why you decided to teach. Be your best self, and care for all students in the best way you can. You wonderful teachers are cherished, but you are growing hard to find. Ignite your passion again, or consider changing your career. It is okay to change our minds. Stop before you become jaded. You are a huge part of our collective future.

 

Make a difference.

People Are Strange and Other Musings

I'm going to start with a list today. There are some weird people in the world. Here's my top five for the week of strange things I've overheard.

 

1. "I don't like my child's daycare. They spend way too much time playing outside and my child's clothes get too dirty."

2. "Why are they wasting time repairing sidewalks? No one actually walks anymore except from their house to their car."

3. "I can't believe the prof only gave us three weeks for this assignment. Don't they know we have other classes too?"

4. "I'm so tired. I had a really stressful weekend. We drove to the mountains for a family vacation and got home late."

5. "I want to get up early on Saturday."

 

1. First, I strongly believe that kids are supposed to get dirty. It's in their natural job description. You shouldn't buy designer clothing for kids, that's really just insanity. Second, who on earth ever says that their kids spend too much time outdoors these days? 

 

2. Just because YOU don't walk, doesn't mean that all people choose not to walk. I've seen a lot of foot traffic in our city and some of our sidewalks are in terrible condition. Even if you don't walk, pretty soon you will have to shovel snow off that mess. Wouldn't it be better if it was even?

 

3. The prof actually gave us a bit more than 3 weeks. We are writing a 5 page paper, not even in essay format, and he has provided most of the background research for us. Why can't that be done in three weeks? Additionally, the basics of the assignment were provided right from the beginning of the term. You should have known this was coming at some point.

 

4. Why do you expect sympathy because you chose to spend a weekend in a hotel in the mountains? If you have that much to do when you get home, don't go away spontaneously. This also came from one of those people who often complains about a lack of money and also about never being able to find time to do homework. They have only two classes this term too. I've got 4 classes, plus 3 kids, and had to take a sudden 13 hour drive, each way, to attend a memorial service. You don't know what stress is, lady.

 

5.This was Macboy, and I understand his logic. In some ways, I wish that I could actually do this too. He plans to wake up early on Saturday because everyone else will sleep late and he can enjoy some quiet time at the beginning of his day. It sounds wonderful really, but it doesn't actually happen often. For someone as anti-mornings as I am, it sounds crazy.

 

Enough about that. I suppose I pay attention too much to the people around me. It is frustrating how negative some people can be. It often makes it hard for me to find my positives. But they are there. The last few weeks have been very busy. My mind is full of negativity and so many things I'd love to rant about but I'm not going to reduce myself to that level. Instead, I will highlight the positives of my personal situation and be proud of the good things that came out of this stressful period.

 

I'm up to date on homework and assignments. Some days it feels like all I do is homework, but I do what I need to do to succeed in a way that suits my own expectations. I want to do well and I will do whatever it takes.

 

My kids are doing well in school too. They are such strong readers. Even the oldest, who has his own set of difficulties is blossoming and succeeding this year. He is becoming a fascinating young man and really coming out of his shell. I am confident that he will not lack the self esteem or knowledge to succeed later in life after all that he has overcome.

 

We brought back Wednesday Without Electronics this week. It was the trucker who suggested it, too. Wednesday was a very fun day here. The kids adjusted without any complaints into a quiet and unplugged evening. The three of them played together almost the entire night. Thursday morning was a breeze because everyone was well rested.  Well, except that someone hid the TV remote so that the others couldn't use it and that led to at least an hour of ripping apart the living room trying to find it again. Oops.

 

I met a whole new bunch of in-laws last weekend. Our families are quite spread out and it is difficult to see everyone. Our trip to the coast was nice though. After being together nearly 20 years it seems strange that we haven't met each others families entirely. There are just too many people to see and not enough time to travel there and see them all. I'm pleased that I still feel like a full part of the Truckers family, even when I'm surrounded by people I've never met. It was like I had always known them.

 

I am getting strong enough now to recognize when I'm reaching my extroversion limits. I require certain amounts of time alone to recover/recharge after extended periods of being around people. Particularly these situations where I must be the extroverted self to visit with family members that I've never met. In addition, there was an exceptional amount of time spent in close proximity to the trucker, in the van for so many, many hours of driving. I love him dearly, and our time was very therapeutic, but it definitely left no room to be alone with my thoughts. Early this week, I was able to identify that I was struggling and stopped it before it progressed beyond control. I told the Trucker what I needed and he helped me find some time to myself. I was able to skate through this time, without a crash.

 

I feel strong and in control. I'm feeling quite accomplished also, even though the only accomplishment was catching back up to regular life. Not long ago, it would have likely taken months to get back to where I am right now after just a bit more than a week.

 

I am positive. I am strong. I am focused. I am determined. I am motivated. I am loved.

 

And I am saying those things as much for myself as I am for any who might read this. Take a moment and tell yourself these same things. It will pick you up a little so you can continue to do all those things you have to do. Repeat it as often as necessary. Change the words as you see fit to cover your own needs. Be your own sunshine. It's worth it.

End Of Summer, Updates and Thoughts

I am so excited for September. This is a very unusual feeling since I normally hate the enforced structure on everyone and the morning rush. I am not a fan of mornings. I get to start my second year at university and I'm thrilled. With a short schedule last year that had to fit in the morning kindergarten program hours, I almost feel like I haven't really even started and that this fall is the beginning of the real deal.

I've had an eventful summer. It was incredible. Excellent family vacation and lots of stay-in-your-PJs-all-day days. I also had an eye opening experience through babysitting a boy with special needs. I do have my own version of special needs here, but this was so different. My children have invisible issues, like Tourette's and social anxiety. But this summer I had the experience of being a caregiver for a child with very visible difficulties. Frankly, people are jerks. I hope to share more of that story but it needs to wait for a different time, as I try to decide exactly how to explain what I saw and felt taking this little amazing miracle boy to the park.

Yesterday was my last day with him. In many ways I feel that my summer is just starting. I only had him for 15 days but it really did change my summer. I now have an abundance of free time until September starts. Of course, that's not very far away now.

I'm searching for the ideal agenda/organizer again, and I will likely return to my hand written calendar that I used last year. I just know that I need to keep everything posted in one place and what I had last year worked great. I just need to set it up a bit better so I don't have to re-write everything a million times.

I've got all our school supplies ready. For all four of us. I need to find myself a new school bag but everyone else is covered. I have kept up to regular life for the majority of the summer months too, so I don't have a lot of scrambling and cleaning to do before the school workload hits. I'm prepared and very ready mentally for school to start.

My only regret of the summer is the lapse in my writing. I had a short burst where I poured out thousands of words in two works in progress and I felt amazing. Then the physical exhaustion of babysitting hit me and I stopped a lot of things. I read non stop, because it was the least physical thing I could do to keep myself surrounded by words. By time I return to school I will have finished about 25 books running from Shakespeare plays to YA fiction. Now, I'm fueled up and ready to write for days, but of course those days are now numbered. Perhaps my dream of "I published my first novel while I was in University," just won't work for me.

It takes a shift in perspective to pull me through these thoughts. I do hope to be published eventually, but the plain reality is that if I don't write, I will go slowly crazy. Crazier, at least. These stories scream from the back of my mind at all the wrong times and I get frustrated when I can't let them out. The characters are like pieces of me that are trapped and I can't find peace of my own anywhere until I release their words. So, rather than dreaming of future publication, I am just enjoying the art of the writing itself.  I write for me. I hope that it finds other readers someday, but the beginnings are just for me. I must get it out before I can edit or change anything for anyone else. And the act of writing, preferably with a simple pen and paper, is so therapeutic for me that I have got to start making time for it every day.

My two works in progress are very different and I do not struggle with keeping storylines straight or characters in the right places. One is very much YA and the other is definitely women's fiction. My mood dictates the story that gets the attention, and I enjoy having the chance to switch gears when one story starts to stall or suffer. It keeps my creativity flowing. At this point both stories are pretty much crap, but they are started and that is more important to me anyway. I suppose that is how the writing process works and even after a million edits I will still feel that they are crap.

With my new schedule for school, I actually have a little window in the day where I may be able to place a writing routine. Of course that depends on my homework load. I remain optimistic and will make something work.

I've been very torn about whether or not to continue this blog, I've mentioned that before. For now, I will just keep it as it is, no promises of posts or schedule for writing. I will write when I can, if I have something worth sharing or something to work out in my own mind again. My other writing does take priority, if I have to make a choice. I didn't create this for money or for followers. I am already amazed by the number of you that are here and come back regularly. Your best bet for slightly more regular updates is to join me on facebook anyway.

I hope that everyone is ready for fall and that the return to school is smooth for all of us. Are you looking forward to September too?

All I Want For Christmas Is A Nap

What a crazy year I've had! School has been difficult and stressful and wonderful and amazing. I had a lot more to learn this year than just what my professors taught. The one thing that kept me going through my final exams was the idea that for one whole week I could drop kids off at school and spend a couple of hours all by myself. I had great intentions with this time too, like sleep. I could get a two hour nap with no interruptions.

Sadly, it didn't work that way. But it's okay. I've been having vehicle troubles and had to sort that out. Crazy Dodge Caravan that is like playing driving roulette. Will I have heat? Is it going to hesitate when I push the gas or am I gonna get slammed into my seat because it decides not to hesitate instead? Fun times. On the last day I had a chance to crawl in bed, only to have the phone ring and find out that the Trucker was on his way home at 9:30 in the morning. Nap time over. Haha.

I know I'm behind in posting, I simply don't have any time to write when school is in. I feel like I run non-stop. But I did find a few things that were helpful, and might help other moms who are in school also. The web is full of very generic "tips" for school when you have children, but honestly, they are crap.

Find quiet things for your kids to do while you do homework. Yeah, I figured that. The trouble is that decorating the walls with a Sharpie is actually pretty darn quiet. What is a mom to do? Yay, I got my essay done but now I have a couple hours of scrubbing the walls with SOS and hairspray. It's not really worth it. Sometimes, you just have to pay attention to the kids instead.

Get out of the house to do homework. Again, this is not as easy as it sounds. I had grand ideas, oh yes, I thought this would work. I gathered my books and papers and headed down to a quiet little coffee shop. Bought myself a nice treat. Cracked the lid of the coffee open and the textbook. There was only one other table in use. I thought this was perfect! Until those three people starting talking. They were so loud and animated, I couldn't focus on my reading at all.

The library is questionable. It depends on the time you go. There are noisy kids during some hours. Full seats during others. It just didn't work out. My only options would be going to a friends house (or family) and hiding there, but it has side effects too. For one, I lose some time driving there, and then there would definitely be at least a little visiting too. If I'm going to do all that, I might as well hide in my bedroom (the one with no locking door, of course).

Enlist friends or family to help with the kids. Again, a lot of good and bad here. My sister helped me out and took the kids off my hands at times. That was nice. But sometimes, you don't know how long you have. Sometimes, the kids come back so excited to share what they did, even though you are right in the depths of Dr. Faustus and somehow are magically pouring the greatest essay idea you have ever had out. Then you stop, listen to them, maybe even say "just let me finish this paragraph," and you turn back to the keyboard and poof, the magic is gone. Idea lost.

The trucker slowly came around and helped in a different way. He cooked a little more. He coordinated bathing and shower times more often. He started pitching in with laundry more. He found new ways to connect with the kids and this didn't just benefit me, it was good for him too. His whole outlook on family has changed in the last few months. But again, this is not a great dependable fix. He is a trucker after all. Some days he was home before the kids got out of school and he could pick them up. But more often than not, if I had a big project coming due, he had a long day and I'd be lucky if he was home before the kids bedtimes.

Keep an agenda, keep assignments organized and written down. An agenda is a wonderful thing, but I realized fast that having it written down for me was not going to give anyone else a clue about how much I had to get done. And I'm juggling three kids school calendars and events too. Plus the occasional thing that comes up for the Trucker. I've synced every device I have and even tried using a shared calendar option. But that only helps when others actually look at it. So I changed it. I made a week per page calendar for all of us and kept it on the fridge for everyone to see. And I wrote every thing down. Hot lunch orders, due dates for forms, assignments, everything went on there. It actually worked quite well and I will share more about that in a separate post, including pictures.

What I learned through all of this is that there is no real tip sheet for any mom on how to handle school. Each of us has a different family. I don't have kids that nap anymore, for example. I still have to help my 8th grader with homework and my 4th grader too. I have to read with Angel everyday, and not just bedtime stories.

I really took life one day at a time. It was liberating! A few things got missed, but nothing major. It is always surprising how you can adapt to things. No matter what has to get done, you find a way to get most of it done and the things that get missed are never the end of the world.

Now that I have time to write, I will share several things that came up and were very helpful. All of the above sounds negative to some degree, but it really wasn't. It was hard, but it was so very worthwhile. There has been so much positivity in my life since school started that it is amazing. My whole world has changed and I love every second of it. Even if I can't have a nap.

Where Are You?

This little tiny voice is trying to scream out "I'm Here!!" But sometimes it is just so hard to hear it. That tiny voice is mine. It gets lost and buried in the recesses of my mind because I feel for everyone else first.  The last weeks have been excruciating. Not my own personal grief over losing a loved one to a terrible disease, cancer, my energy has been given to all those around me. My outer voice says "Are you okay?" but the inner parts of me can feel your pain. I know the answers before you speak. If you are able to speak.

I feel your confusion, I feel your frustration. I feel your anger. I feel your sorrow. I shed your tears for you when you are not looking. I lose a night of sleep to my father's heartbreak. I lose another to my siblings. I lose many to my children. It is almost as though if I could just cry enough, you would never have to. But you do need to.  Later, I feel like it has been so much wasted effort. I have shed tears that you will shed also. I am not easing your pain, I am simply feeling it instead of mine. The most difficult moments, as I have mentioned before, were the minutes of telling my kids "Grandma is gone."  The days following were just a roller coaster of emotions, from one person to the next.

I cried in my own way, at my own time. But it was long after I'd shed all your tears. And I'm certain I'm not finished yet.

I'm still recovering from my own depression. Feeling your pain first is what led me into darkness. I forgot to ever feel my own. I am strong enough to realize this now, thankfully, but it is not something I can find any control over. I can not stop feeling for you, before me.  It just happens.

Yesterday was a long day. Yesterday I fought the quiet inner workings of my regular state of mind. I went searching for that tiny voice saying "I'm Here!"  I took the day off. I did not visit with family. I did not work. I kept the kids home with me. I ate ice cream in my pjs with the kids at 2 pm on a Tuesday. 

BEST FEELING EVER.

And I felt my own feelings. It was almost frightening in it's intensity. Such rage came out, such frustration. Such sadness and sympathy. So much relief that the suffering is over for someone I cared so much for. And guilt. Always guilt. Did I do things right? Was I there enough? Should I feel better than this? Or worse?  

Such a slippery slope this can be.

This morning I woke up beyond exhausted. Emotionally taxed beyond my limits, now feeling my own way as well as yours.  And I was mean. I was angry. I was rude and didn't want to listen to anyone. My poor trucker always receives the worst of me.  And this time all it took was milk. I knew last night I needed to get it. I wanted him to just go buy some. He was careful to leave enough in the fridge so I could have my coffee this morning. He could have finished it easily.  The boys were both set on cereal for breakfast, which really doesn't happen often. I barely had enough but I divided it between them so they could eat. I got them off to school and then the evil monster inside me leapt out of my chest and tore such an ugly strip of that trucker of mine. The poor man called me at the wrong time.

And I was perfectly justified! He should have just gotten the stupid milk. He was dressed. I wasn't. He drank it. He should have left it if he wasn't willing to go buy more.

That anger stayed all morning. Every single thing I did or said was tinged with the hurt that I was feeling. 

Over milk.

Thankful as always for the things I have learned, over the last few months especially, I was able to calm myself down. I was able to draw out that tiny voice screaming on the inside.  I did three things right away.

1) I apologized to the Trucker. It wasn't his fault, he just happened to trip the fault line and get the full rush of everything I felt for several days. He had no way of knowing the kids would need the milk, they don't often have cereal on school days anymore and almost never both on the same day. He had to leave for work so early, he had gone directly to bed after that glass of milk. I was simply refusing to get dressed to go to the store (and I have been known to go in my pj's anyway). Neither of us had cash to send Macboy instead. It was just a silly situation all around. It was not his attempt to ruin my day by any standard.

2) I got moving. I got out of the house and bought milk! Along with anything else that was being avoided on my to-do list. I also got some productive work done.

3) I reached out. I asked for help. I requested a nudge (or swift kick if deemed necessary) from my boss. "Please keep me busy and reach out if I seem to be distant. I do not want to slip away."  I messaged a few friends who know me well. (Except for one, she always seems to just know and call anyway) I asked for reminders to eat right, keep exercising and more. I also asked them to reach out if they don't hear from me. 

I'm worried about me. Really. I do not want to go backwards after so many forward strides. It seems like it should take a lot to pull me back that far, but it doesn't. It takes such a short time to slip but a long time to crawl back up. So I'm making sure that my supports are on alert. They are ready. They will not catch me when I fall, they will hold me up as I keep going forward so that I don't have to fall again.

So many people may think I exaggerate how I can 'relate' to others. It goes so far beyond relating or sympathizing, I sincerely feel your hurt. Another blog that makes me feel entirely 'normal' talks about this sense of feeling the pain of others. I've finally found a place where I belong. Where my thoughts are not outrageous, but other people have them too. I don't make things up, I don't pretend, I don't exaggerate.

After completing the steps above, I picked up my kids from school. We came home and all four of us played in the snow in the back yard. I even shoveled the patio out back, which we don't usually do. I got active. I played and laughed and exerted energy. Yep, exercise! The trucker cooked us dinner (at the drive thru hehehe) and I had a nice cup of tea to wind down.

I feel better. I feel stronger. I know I will be okay and there are people in line to keep me moving if I get lost along the way.  

If my Stepmom was never defeated by the cancer that finally took her from us, I will not be defeated by it either!

Have You Ever Been In Need?

I don't mean in need of a pedicure or a hair cut.  I don't mean that you sit at home weekends because you are stretching your paycheque for the next two weeks. I mean really IN NEED.  I've toyed with this post in my head for a while, but after reading Do What You Can Do, I was reminded of the reason to share this message. These are some of the words that should  be shared. Thoughts that many avoid, but we all should face.

----

I've lived in extreme circumstances and feel thoroughly blessed at this time in my life. Yes, I'm in debt. True, I have nothing saved for a rainy day and barely even for an emergency. I don't agree with credit cards and thus don't have the visa safety net either.  However, I have a roof over my head, a good job, assets that I could liquidate if I really had to and a warm comfy bed to sleep in every night.

I have been in rough places. I've slept on air mattresses in the basements of friends or family. I've gotten my weekly groceries from a food bank. I've had to walk or ride a bike to get anywhere because I had no vehicle and even the cost of public transportation was too much.  I've worn layers of sweaters because I broke the zipper in my winter jacket and couldn't afford to replace it. I've 'made do' with the same shoes for many years, shoes I got second hand and wore until they simply fell apart.  I've even lived in the stinky small apartment, furnished with next to nothing, in the seediest part of the city, because the rent was like a quarter of any decent place.

We had help.  We had friends or family who could give us the space in their basement. We always got by. We never had much, but we always found what we needed. I'm truly blessed.

That's why I'm humbled with the efforts of a young boy, who at 12 years old (just a bit older than my Macboy) felt the pull on his heart to reach out and help the homeless in his city.  He enlisted his mom and for 5 years filled and delivered backpacks full of basic necessities to the homeless. He developed sponsors and media friendships and grew his little dream each year.
Jesse can be a role model for my kids.  Now focusing on school work to graduate grade 12 with honors, he had to make the rough decision to let go. Not knowing if anyone would step up and carry on his private passion.

In steps Bubbleup Marketing, a local company searching for a way to give back to it's own community. It was a miracle of timing, Jesse reaching out and Jason searching for just that message in the same moments.  BubbleUP Marketing will continue to spread the hope inspired by this young man through the Bag Of Hope campaign. There are good causes out there, there are good people who just want to help for the sake of helping. Not for gratitude or financial gain, just to share a little bit of hope to others.

I pray that my children will never have to live through dire circumstances, but rest easier knowing that there are still good people and good organizations that can support them and provide the hope they may need to take just one more step.

I believe that NO ONE is ever homeless by CHOICE. Perhaps there is an illness or addiction involved. I have seen my own fair share of struggles and have handled extreme mental illness and serious addictions in my family.  I am eternally grateful to each and every person who has helped those that I love.  But who helps those who have no family?  Who reminds them that there is a reason to hope?  Who can step up and say to them, "There is a way out. It will be hard, but it can happen for you too."?

Inspiring hope, building your own community, restoring faith... that's what organizations like this are for. So much more than a toothbrush or a warm pair of gloves.  Sure there are starving children in Africa, but you know what?  There are children, families, adults in the same position everywhere.  In tough economic times (I'm reluctant to believe that recovery is happening) there are people in need in every city, possibly just down your street.  I would bet that there is an organization in your town, your city, doing something to help it's own citizens.

I urge you to step out of your comfort zone. Step up and show someone you care.  You have no idea how inconceivably small the effort can be for you, compared to the impact it can have on the recipient.  And in due course, it has an impact on your neighborhood, your city, your country.  Teach your children to be giving, by being an example.

Give when you are blessed with extra, in hopes that you never need the favor returned.

I believe it can be a simple short slip in life that could send any one of us into despair.
Never take for granted what you have today.

Whine, Whine, Grumble, Complain, Cry, Argue

I work very hard to maintain a positive personality. I know that I fail sometimes but I think I do pretty well over all. There are way too many people in this world who never speak a kind word. Those who must always be better or worse than you are. Those who see world in a dark way and are determined to spread it.

I admit that often my mind gets filled with dark clouds. There are mean and selfish thoughts and pages of complaints. The difference is that I do not feel the need to share them all. So I keep it in my head, where it doesn't damage the ones that I love.

Why did you walk to the school? We want a ride home.

Why did you bring the van? It's so hot in here.

There are so many wonderful and loving ways to share yourself with others. Why let them see this side?  Who wants to be around a compulsive complainer?

I caught myself this afternoon, saying that Art is just tired with school having just started. First three days ended with at least half an hour of whine and complain, even on Friday when we were going away for the weekend. He could have been excited, but he wasn't. He could have used his time to get his toys and games that he wanted together, but he didn't. And then he had perfect opportunity more than once to complain while we were out camping, because he was bored.  

I really want to believe that this is just part of the adjustment of getting back to school. But really? It's been months. It's far enough that I want to just scream when it starts. If you try to change the subject to something happier, he finds a way to make that bad too.  I certainly hope that he's not acting like this at school. I'll hear from the teacher for sure!

It usually wears me down fast. I have no tolerance for meaningless complaints. If you have eaten pizza 9004 times, chances are good that you like it. So don't tell me you never did.  Just tell me you don't feel like eating it today. There's a good chance I'll make you eat it anyway, but at least you didn't just complain. Next time, I won't serve you pizza and you'll complain that you want some. Even though you don't like it!

This is about exactly where my parenting patience stops.  Mean what you say and say what you mean.  Or just don't say it. This has been going on for what feels like eternity. My calm mothering side wants to sit down and find out what the real problem is (lack of sleep) find a reasonable solution (like eat more veggies and go to bed earlier) and MOVE ON.

But the side of me that shows up first now, is not that side. It is the side that wants to scream "For the love of all that is good and holy in this earth will you PLEASE. SHUT. UP!!!!"

I don't say it. But I will never say I don't think it.  Usually I just bite my tongue and ignore what I can. Eventually he shifts back into real life. (The other day it was a morning complain session. Did you know that one side of the sidewalk is warmer than the other?  Yes, sidewalk, not the other side of the street. I was walking on the WARM side of the SIDEWALK and needed to move because he was cold.)  I think Macboy went through  this. Well, he complained more at school than at home I think. I'm sure Angel Baby, when she's a NOT-Angel Pre-Teen instead will complain like this too. She'll probably figure out how to slam doors and scream with that super high pitch.

Everyone, everywhere should just make a point to say one nice thing every day.  Making the effort to say something good even when you don't feel like it, makes you feel better. And when you feel better, it gets easier.  

So go say something nice to someone. Tell me about it. I'll share it with him when he's feeling whiny. 

Cheer us all up!

Mom-Somnia Strikes Again

I've got two weeks exactly until the boys are back to school. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm not saying my kids drive me nuts (though they do sometimes...) but I have absolutely no sense of rhythm left in me right now. We don't wake up at the same times everyday, our bedtimes are out the window. I've had more sleepless nights this summer than I had in the last year.

Art is a fighter. Not an aggressive kid, not that way.  He's always questioning things and sadly, it is hard to battle your 7 year old when he makes so much damn sense. He's a negotiator and more. I like to allow chances for him to state his opinions and I do give them opportunities to practice negotiating. But I also impose limits and there are things that are just not going to change no matter what argument he has or how good it sounds.

He fights and delays everything he can. He was the biggest baby of my three. He left my ribs bruised from the last month of pregnancy. He was my longest labor.  He will take an hour to eat dinner. He will spend 30 minutes getting ready for the bath before the water even gets turned on. And bedtime... Oh Em Gee.  Bedtimes suck.  He was the only one of my kids to climb out of the crib. I had to move him into a big bed early.  I had a baby gate in the door. He figured out how to get over it. When I raised it, he got good at squeezing under it. When I moved it to the stairs instead, he figured out how to go through his closet and climb through the space in the stairs on the other side of the gate. Ugh...

I resigned myself quickly to just sitting in his room. Every night. I tried all those tricks that say move a bit closer to the door every day, and then eventually stay outside the room.  Yeah. Not this kid. If I was too far away, he just would not stop talking. And it doesn't matter if I talk back or not. Even on the nights he was in there completely alone, he was still talking.  It is hard to tell when he has gone to sleep too, he talks in his sleep. A Lot.  (I have family who thought I exaggerated this, but having had him overnight since they KNOW this is the truth.)

Macboy lost the mommy snuggles at bedtime very suddenly. I used to go and lie down with him for 5 minutes every night just before bed. We'd chat about the day, I'd tell him I love him and he'd just stay there for the rest of the night. Never a fight.  With Art out of the crib, I'd try to get my time with Macboy, but I could NOT leave him alone.  I couldn't put Macboy to bed first, it just didn't work.  And Art fought so long every night that Macboy would be sleeping by time I could finally go see him.

I spent about 6 months talking to Art about how I would not stay in his room anymore. Once Angel Baby was out of her crib, things would be different.  He needed to go to sleep by himself.  I tried everything. Soothing music. Quiet reading time. Floppy Sleep Game. Visualization tips. Relaxation tips. I even tried letting natural consequence take over. I let him stay up as late as he wanted and woke him up early for a few days. I'm not doing that again, he just wakes up and keeps moving, but he is extremely miserable and whiny. (Then still fights bedtime!!)
It does not matter. When he's finally gotten everything out of his system, it takes less than five minutes for sleep to take over. But getting him to stop talking or moving?  Well that's why I started going grey early!! 

Angel Baby broke her crib. Literally. It is garbage now.  The decision to make the switch to the big bed was immediate. No time for considering options, just "Crack!" and that was that.  She moved in to her bed.  I have the baby gate in the door way. She just stays in her bed. She might look at a book for a few minutes or play with a dolly. But 99% of the time, she's asleep within minutes of bedtime. She doesn't try to break out. She doesn't even try in the morning. She just wakes up and sits on her bed until I go get her. Macboy, 11 now, just goes to sleep. He has some nights that are hard, but he just stays in bed and rests until the sleep arrives.

I have taken a stand. Instead of losing an hour every night in Art's room just sitting there getting madder and madder, I informed him that I won't do it anymore. That was about a year ago, I think. Ever since, I have had a two to three hour fight at night instead. When I was hoping he'd get better at staying there and going to sleep, he ended up getting better at sneaking around the house without getting caught. It's starting to seem like it is just better to go back to sitting in his room.  

He doesn't need toys or books or TV to stay awake. He pushes bedtime back by talking to himself. Making up stories, pretending his pillow is a person. Once, he put on just about every single pair of underwear he owns. All at once. Looked like a sumo wrestlers butt on a bean pole. Funny, yes, but timing was terrible.  My point is, I don't think it's possible to just take everything entertaining away so that his room will just be for sleep.

The worst part of this whole deal comes when the insomnia starts creeping up on me. The worst was years ago, before I had kids. I had about six weeks where the longest stretch of sleep I got was three hours. I would maybe doze off for 15 minutes here or there, but it was awful. The last week, before medication brought me back to the real world where sleep is necessary, I had less than three hours of sleep for the whole week. Since kids, I go through phases. I just can not lie down and fall asleep. I have mom-paranoia. I hear every noise. I have a boy with growing pains (yes, doctors, if you can't name it and it's pain only in his legs only at night time... I'm going to call it growing pains.) He's got me up at least twice a week. Angel Baby wakes up about twice a week, sometimes playing sometimes crying. (Sometimes screaming like a horror movie!)  The trucker goes to work anywhere between 2 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. It changes every day. A year ago, I never heard him leave. This summer I've heard him every single day. I don't hear his alarm, I hear him moving.

Monday night, I was wide awake until almost 5. I had to drive hubs to his truck at 6:30. I rested from 5 til 6. Drove him and came home. At 7 am, I was still awake. I stayed in bed until about 10 but it wasn't much sleep. More staring at the walls than anything. I have a prescription in the cupboard for times like this, but it has to be taken at the same time every day. And since I don't have any way of knowing when Art will go to sleep, I can't do it.  I can't go to bed if he's awake, when I have tried, he has stayed up as late as 3 am.

I have a small window around 11 pm that I can fall asleep easily in. With Art keeping me up until nearly midnight, I pass the window almost every day.  With a babysitter or a sleep over, I can crawl in bed when I am tired and get to sleep quickly. Without?  Lets say he falls asleep at 11:45, I can crawl in bed and toss and turn like clockwork until 2. Part of the reason I just started doing more work during the night, part of the reason I blog most around midnight.  I figure if I have to be up, I'm gonna make use of the time.  I am not supposed to stay in bed when I can't sleep. If it takes more than 20 minutes, I'm supposed to get up and do something. I can't keep jumping up and bugging the trucker, either.

I'm hopeful that school will put us back in order. I know he's not going to magically start falling asleep earlier, but I will be forced to get him up earlier in the morning.  He will be forced to go to bed at bedtime and maybe if I send him at 8, he'll be asleep by 10. Still an improvement.  If I can be in bed by 11, I can get up well rested.

Who am I kidding?  I won't. I've always functioned best at night.  But at least I won't have anyone to blame but me. I won't be furious about someone else making me stay up. I won't be fighting for those hours. If I want to go to sleep at 11, I'll be able to. That's all. I'm tired of this battle of wills, I'm just tired.

Insert Vegetables Here

I need a sign, point it at my mouth. And the kids too.  I don't eat enough of those greens and I know it.  I'm trying to be more commited to my food choices and perhaps - No... definitely - exercise more. I've had it with this extra weight.  I found a like minded community of mommies and friends who all have the same goals in mind. I am hopeful that this extra support will help me stay accountable and get back into the nice clothes I own!

I've been pretty much lost all summer. I dread school days and structure just as much as my kids do. It's partly a control issue as the school days and hours are beyond my control. But it's largely a lack of will power to stick to any real routines during the summer. I'm up til three am one day, then in bed at 9 the next. I have been working on shifting the kids bedtimes back to normal so the first days of school won't be so hard. But man, it's summer. And where I live, Summer doesn't last very long at all.  

I can make some really awesome plans. I had great dreams of how my summer would go. The kids sleep late, so I could get myself up at the regular time and get most of my work done before they woke up.  But because I am constantly running behind, I stay up too late. Then when I do go to bed early it's because the kids have actually gone to sleep earlier. Which means they wake up earlier. UGH... Just can't win.

To be honest, I am not a morning person. There is just no way around it.  I can think about whatever I want before bed, but there is just nothing that will get me moving. My half brain in the morning convinces me quite well that I have just 5 more minutes.

On the bright side, I may be swimming in a sea of laundry, but I have kept the main floor of the house clean all week. I've had my dishes done every night. I've been cracking the kids up with my crazy "mom" dancing while I'm cleaning up. I need to get the extra exercise into my days somehow!  Angel Baby rocks out with me, but the boys think I've lost my marbles.

I've made some new connections with some other INFJ personalities lately. It's funny how we think the SAME things, the SAME ways. Almost creepy! Anything I've read that these people have written could have come from my own mouth.  I've always known I was kind of unique, I didn't know that I really was that different!  INFJ's are the most rare of all personality types. It's a blessing and a curse sometimes, so I can't say if I'm happy about this or not.  Reading a report from a personality quiz was one thing, starting to find like-minded individuals really drives it home. And the best part is that I wasn't looking for these people. I just had the opportunities open up, because I am opening up.  I love this, and I'm happy they found me!

Hmmm... guess there really wasn't much of a topic today. No one thing consuming my thoughts that I had to just spill. But that will come. Life will settle sooner or later.  Whoever convinced me to work on potty training, while working at home, with all kids out of school, and mom on a super clean house rampage... among many other things, needs a swift kick. NOW. Oh, wait, this was all my own doing wasn't it?

Short and Sweet. I Need Sleep

Summer has jumped on my life like the Mud Puddle hiding on the roof in Robert Munsch's stories. As always, I want to have some structure. Some daily game plan that will carry us through without turning our days and nights upside down. I have not yet, ever, figured out how to make my summers semi-predictable. But truthfully, I am okay with that. well, mostly.   The kids work hard for 10 months. They deserve a break.

---

Last night, we had a magnificent thunderstorm. I could spend hours listening to the thunder rolling... but Art... can NOT.  It's a fear of nature that will pass eventually and until then, I need to be the supportive loving mommy. I need to push him to peak out the window and be amazed by the faraway lines of the lightning in the sky.  I need to show him that thunder is just noise. Like drums in the sky.

As marvelous as that all sounds.... it was nearly 1:30 when I got him to go to sleep last night. Nearly 2:30 when I finally got to bed. And the dear Trucker's alarm started ringing at 3:15. I had to drive him to his truck this morning, or lose my van for the day.  Back home at just past 4:30. 

Thankfully the kids ALL slept late. Even Angel Baby.  But man... my system is messed UP. It's approaching midnight... boys are still awake... and me.  AND I have my full day meeting tomorrow.  I will reinforce a decent bedtime soon, but I can't fight mother nature. The storms will come when they are ready, no matter what time bedtime is. 

JUST. ADD. COFFEE.  (lots!)

Random Rambling Wendy-ness

 I must be more left brain today, I can't find my write-brain anywhere.

Once I was in my brother's car, we were going through a traffic circle and someone nearly hit us. He laughed and asked me if he should do it again... "What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?"

He also asked me once if it were more important to be priceless or to feel like a million bucks.

Why is it that you only see a super cute guy looking at you in the grocery store on the day you're wearing your ugly sweats and a stained T-shirt?  I suspect it's because you are looking around you more thinking that someone might see you in this unsexy outfit and not that they are NOT there when you look good, you just don't notice.

Sometimes I find that the dark seems darker when I have my glasses on. Seriously. When I head downstairs at night we have only a small night light on the far end of the living room. I can see okay without my glasses through the darkness, but with them on it seems harder to distinguish things.

If I lie to my kids about what's actually in their dinner, trying to make it something they will like, they will find proof and I'll have to tell them. So I just quit lying about it.

All three of my kids magically turned vegetarian or something just before they turned 3. my 11 year old is just now able to eat everything and my 7 year old only eats a bit more meat now.

Turns out, if you really want someone to open up and tell you something... you have to shut up long enough to let them.

There is too much truth in "you have to hit the bottom to before you go back up."  And just like falling on my a$$... the bottom hurts.

The best way to ruin dinner is to say "no, I have some of that at home" while you are looking at it in the grocery store.  You can bet you will have none, or if you do it will be rotten.

Thanks for hanging out everyone!  I love this. It's so much more fun than talking to myself... which I still do anyway.

Like A Candy Wrapper In An Updraft

I'm Sooaaarrriing!!!

Well, okay. Not so much. And yes, I am slightly sad that I can quote Homer as much as I do. 

But I'm feeling good. I've reduced my hours for work for awhile. Some days I can do everything, some days I can't do much at all.  I'm balancing....

I covered the wall in the bedroom with paper... NO MORE MARKER MESS. At least for a little while.  

I got my brain back into work mode. I made it through my whole list of to-do's today.  I have clean clothes to wear tomorrow and my boys have full dressers for a change.

It feels great to be useful again. I've transferred my calendar details to a calendar that I can sync on my phone. I've added my daily and weekly routines to my evernote account. I like that you can use little checkboxes to mark what you have done.  I can use this on my my laptop, the phone and the iPad. So it's everywhere I go, and the family has easy access to these lists too (in case they ever get sick and decide to help out).

Well, mostly feels great. I'm pretty darn lonely.

Congratulations! You are the winner 

of a whole evening BY YOURSELF! 

**You have to do the dishes, switch the laundry, sweep the floors, 

scrub the marker off the wall, check the backpacks,and deal with your kids 

when they aren't listening and sitting still watching their movie...but 

you WIN.

Am I bitter?  Nooooo.............

The Trucker tried to help, I know he meant well.  But, he tried to distract a 7 year old and a soon-to-be 3 year old with a movie. Poor misinformed man.... This little girl doesn't sit for 5 minutes unless she's sick.  I get left at the messy table with the dishes.   And the million questions and interruptions I got were not from him, but from Art who is trying to be helpful. (I think). Just mostly about him, and probably things he said out of frustration. Like "Why isn't your mother distracting Angel Baby?" which leads to Art running upstairs to say "Mom, Dad wants you to come downstairs and try to distract Angel Baby."  I may have been faster and been able to watch part of the movie with them if not for so many stops & starts, but.... I've seen that movie anyway. 

My poor trucker. He didn't know that Art was running up and down the stairs harassing me. The look of pure confusion on his face when I flipped my lid didn't register with me until I had already started the lecture.  He's been known to send Art to do his dirty work before.  And Art went very quickly into hiding, realizing that he was busted for blaming dad.

I've now calmly asked Art not to watch movies on that TV on school nights anymore. It's too low, so Angel Baby is in the way. A Lot. And I am not going to spend my time distracting her for them. Unfortunately, the Trucker didn't get the apology he deserves. He told me right where to take my opinions and has gone to sleep. He's up and out at 4:30 most mornings.

Shiny side? Silver lining?  

"Wha-arr Yoooo?" Angel Baby would say..."Ahhh... There Diz"  I see it. 

1. Trucker did learn a valuable lesson about why it is hard for me to work during the day sometimes. If she is that distracting watching a movie, imagine when you are trying to focus and finish something!
2. I did have some time without kids. No Helpful toddler in the kitchen with me.
3. I stepped back and ignored as much as I could and finished my tidying up for the evening. It's done. When I wake up I will have a clean kitchen to look at. And I'll have clean clothes to put on.
4. I didn't try to control everything, I let the trucker deal with the kids until I was finished my stuff.
5. When I crawl in bed shortly, I know that I can snuggle up to the trucker and he'll just let me. He'll roll over and I can tell him I love him and we will sort the rest out later.

For every success, there are some fails first right? I have got to get a handle on my moods though. I hold on for so long but when I blow, watch out. I don't like that side of me. At All.

Now. Cup of tea and a book for me. Start over tomorrow.

Good night! 

You Don't Have To Understand

Just the other day, I was having a conversation about my blogging.  It started off with "Well, how much time do you actually spend on that blog crap, anyway?"  This is intended to include twitter, facebook, stats, writing, really everything that I do in relation to my blogs.  I was hurt. Of course I was hurt. There is nothing like having ANY part of your life referred to as crap.  So, I struck back with every single stupid thing that I think that person does. Every little thing that I think is a waste of time. And added to my defense that my kids are involved and LOVE THIS. They suggest things to write about. Macboy even sneaks into the browser on his DSi and reads some of my posts.

It seems to some that this part of my life is interfering with my work time and other responsibilities. And yes, I will admit that it does sometimes mean that I'm juggling my hours a bit differently. But I am still working.  And I'm even finding benefits from the blogging to help me understand my work. I understand some of the things we do a bit better since I've starting working on the other side of the webworld.

Blogging is saving me. It is boosting my confidence, providing an outlet for some of the things in my brain that I just can't always say out loud.  It is giving me something to look forward to.  It is taking me back to simpler times. I am meeting new people, learning tons of new things everyday.  I went from feeling as though NO ONE cared to seeing that some people do like to hear what I say. I am anything but alone in my life. And I have been able to share some funny moments that people could miss easily.  The humour and happiness around us is often overlooked and now I'm paying attention. I'm seeing things in a different way and taking time to enjoy the small stuff. I started off with a small handful of 'followers' and some of them were forced into it. Now I have more, and it grows every day.  See those buttons up on the top? They WORK.

Another advantage of this blogging 'hobby' is that I am simply more AWARE. I am making changes to my life daily because I am looking at the world differently.  Also because I read some of the writing of my peers and feel inspired to make changes.

"Well What Do You Need Vacation For?"

Really?  Sure, I do feel guilty to some degree because I'm taking time off while the kids are in school.  But seriously?  I DESERVE A BREAK.  Work at home is a whole different world, especially if you don't have daycare involved. And it is not all about my job, it's just that work is the only thing in my life I can ACTUALLY take a vacation from!!!  I'm not freaking out because I can't do my job.  And I'm not quitting my job either. I'm taking a week off. That's it. 

I can't stop potty training, or helping with homework, or hugging a crying kid at 2 am who had a nightmare.

I can't stop laundry or dishes or sweeping or vacuuming or... you get it....

I can't stop being a mom of a boy with Tourette's. Sure it's not a severe case, but we have our speedbumps

I can't stop being a wife or a mom or a friend or a daughter or a sister.

I don't want to.

I don't need to stop anything.

I just need a slower week.

Vacation time?  Hell YES, I need vacation time. And NO it is not because I work too many hours in a day, it is NOT because I spent time writing here instead of looking after other things. And it is absolutely not because I "can't handle my expectations as a mother."

My longest 'vacation' was my honeymoon. We took a week. 4 days with the boys in tow, and 3 days just for adults (Angel Baby was still 2 years away).  We went camping. It was still like everyday life, just not at home. I had to clean up, cook, take care of kids... you know.

Next was the August long weekend, when hubs and I got to go camping 2 years in a row with no kids. This hasn't happened since 2008.

I'm still not going anywhere, I'm just lightening the load. For one freaking week.  Give me a break.  I'm taking time off, so that maybe I can use my extra 20 hours that week to put some order back into my home. Find my desk in my office that I JUST GOT and have already lost to a pile of everyone else's crap.  And maybe, just maybe play with my kids a bit more?

So, really, any judgemental 'friend' can take their opinions and ....... fill in your own blanks here.

I blog because I want to. Because I can.  It is the first thing to suffer when life gets crazy. I drop it like it never existed.  It's not my first priority, but it is on the list.

You don't have to read it, you don't have to understand it, you don't have to care.

And I don't have to stop.

 

Upcoming Changes

I've mentioned once or twice that I've lost my direction... well, I never really had any, but I'm not sure I'm going anywhere.

Over the next week or so, I will be spending a bit more time on 'behind the scenes' items.  Cleaning up some items, streamlining the flow, and possibly transferring a few posts between here and Who Took My Last Cup Of Coffee?.  I hope to make this an easier blog to read or search through and make it a bit more 'share-worthy'.

I am also working along with the SITSgirls, on learning how to improve my blog so that you guys might actually stick around and read some more.

I get a little sidetracked sometimes.... okay, almost all the time.  So bear with me. If I do this right, you shouldn't feel a thing. You may notice my background has changed. Again... It's like rearranging my bedroom, I just have to do it sometimes. haha.

I am just one week away from my vacation at home, and greatly looking forward to it.  I will force organization back into my home and my blog and my life.  No more hiding in the shadows, no more wishing things were different. June 12, I will MAKE things different.

I've also decided (partly because I am so horribly late with the story) that I will write my WWE stories and post them the following week. So this week will be about last week and our first attempt.  I can't post on Wednesday, or I will be breaking the rules. But there is nothing saying I can't write it and let blogger post it for me!!

I Hate It When You're Right

I'll be honest.  It's past 1 a.m. here and I'm getting that middle of the night epiphany that you never remember the next day. So tonight I'm gonna write it.

And I'm even going to give the Trucker some credit. Partly because I'm writing this in the middle of the night so he won't see me write it and part since I know he rarely reads this, just the first paragraph if anything....let me ramble a bit longer so he'll have clicked away... love you honey. 

YES! I do have a point tonight.

I've been walking around feeling all crappy and sorry for myself for way too long. (I'm sure you have noticed.) I'm working hard at finding ways to make it better. Everyday.  Just a few days ago things got pretty heated around here and I was in that "Oh Dear God. How'm I EVER gonna get through this night" mode. I came home, slept on the couch and woke up to a fresh start. However, we have not had any time to actually talk out the problems we faced the other night.  We haven't been able to heal or apologize or whatever it is we should be doing.  I've been trying to be nicer and so has he.  Good enough for now.

Tonight, Sunday Night, kids are ready for school and tucked in bed.  I'm sitting on the edge of our bed and he's in it. I've asked if we can talk. He says "Everything's gonna be okay. We'll get through this too."  I'm sure many of you would agree that sometimes that is exactly what we need to hear. But then he also said "I don't like it when you work at night. I miss snuggling with you."

I'm often angry that I don't get enough help. I'm usually complaining about how hard it can be to get things done, especially work, with the little one home all day. In the evenings, I'm trying to improve my schedule, but I do find that I work best (or more efficiently anyway) after everyone is in bed. The house is quiet and free of distractions.  Since I've started this blog (and even more so since this blog has made a jump in traffic recently), and I'm focusing on my personal writing, I am totally distracted. I had a hard time making life and work balance, now I'm trying to make life and work and writing balance.

Maybe it's the subconscious remembering how much he snored as a smoker and I'm delaying my trek to bed because he ALWAYS fell asleep first.  Yeah... no.  I know.  

I've been frustrated because he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem interested.  But really, he feels left in the dust. Maybe a little concerned that I'm getting a growing amount of attention from people he doesn't even KNOW.  

Honey, you did three things right tonight.  And if you never read this, it's okay. I'm telling the world anyway.  I'm putting it in writing for you, willingly.

1) You took my worried mind and reassured it.  "We're gonna be okay." One of the best lines you can ever spit out. Yes. I DO need to HEAR it.  Thank you.

2) You told me that you miss me at night. When I feel like you are just tired of me, you are really just tired  and I'm not listening to your cues.  You want me there, you're not trying to ditch me.

And most importantly.

3) You talked to me. You opened up. Instead of carrying on and pretending everything was okay, or not okay or whatever the hell it usually is... you found something that bothered you, that can be changed and you SPOKE UP. I'm not left guessing what you're thinking. I know there is a lot more to deal with over the years, but it will sure be easier if we can talk things out. It wasn't a fight or an intent to be mean, it was a simple little statement. "I miss You."

And honey... I've needed that.  My biggest complaint has always been that I can't just guess what you are thinking. I can't fix anything if I don't know what the problem is.  If you don't open up and tell me what you feel, I assume you don't feel anything.

I've been sitting here mad at how much I think you ignore me, 

but I have never really acknowledged the ways I've ignored you.

-----     -----     -----

There is much more to the story than I wish to include (I'm sure you understand). I will not discuss details.

The purpose of this post is simply to remind us all that life is about the little things.  

Like being able to go to bed at the same time.

Personal or revealing comments here, or on Facebook or Twitter will be removed.

Well, Hello Darlin'! How Was YOUR Day?

"What?  Me?  Oh, my, really?  Do you actually want to know how MY day was?  I'm not sure I remember the last time someone here asked me that!!"

"You are probably just imagining this."

"Yes, I do understand that you are just the crazed voice in the back of my mind right now.  That's okay, someone needs to listen now and then."

"Well, since you asked...  I didn't sleep that well last night. I got caught up in a search for something different on my blog.  Then I didn't do it anyway.  I finally crawled in bed and the trucker was snoring SOOO loud!!"

"You heard that too?  Wasn't that awful?"

"Yeah, it was.  I couldn't hide! And at one point I had stretched my arm out across his tummy and he caught me by the wrist.  Wouldn't let go.  I couldn't roll over and I couldn't even plug both ears with just one hand. UGH."

"You should have gone to bed earlier, you know. You're never gonna get better if you keep this up." 

"I know. I just get sidetracked sometimes. And it's exciting doing this blogging stuff. I'm feeling ...useful.  Anyway.  Today was a gong show.  Not much went the way it should have.  It was jumping back and forth, do this, do that, the Angel Baby feeling better (so being even less Angel than usual). At least the kids got out the door on time."

"You got a fair bit of work done though."

"Yeah, I did. But I felt like it was at the expense of my sanity.  I have a juice stain on the carpet to clean now. I'm not sure where my glasses are since I put them up just before Angel Baby tried to break them again. (I don't know WHY she's so fascinated by my glasses.)  By the time the kids got home, I was already exhausted, but really the bulk of my day's work starts at 3:30."

"They were arguing before we even got home!"

"I know!  Selfish little buggers. They saw that Angel Baby had a new toy. Didn't even ask what it was from, just 'did you buy something for us?'  Really, it wasn't even from me.  A gift from the neighbors.  I told them NO.  Later at home, I let them have the treats. BUT really, how RUDE."

"You told them why, hopefully, next time is better."

"And the trucker. UGH.   Calls to say he won't be home in time for dinner. 'Don't worry about me.' So, what do I do?  I DON'T worry about him.  I made my szechuan chicken stir fry.  It was awesome!  The kids didn't really like it, but they ate it. Angel Baby DEVOURED IT and stole the noodles from the boys.  BUT then trucker man calls. LIKE 4 TIMES. While I'm trying to eat dinner."

"I was already hitting that sensory overload.  Ask the kids, I shut my eyes and plugged my ears at the dinner table for a few minutes.  There was just NOISE everywhere.  And the stupid phone 

would                  not               stop

Finally he seemed to get the idea that I wanted to eat.  But then before I got far into cleaning the kitchen, he called. Twice in a row, cuz water was running and I didn't hear it the first time.  Asking me to phone the burger place and see if they have this special burger on at this location."

"Seriously?"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!  Man, I need to start smoking again.  hahaha"

"So, what'd you do?"

"He flipped out because he 'can't just call from the road' and got all b*tchy.  I said fine, hung up on him, grabbed the stupid phone book, called the stupid restaraunt...."

And?"

"AND THEY DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE."

"Oh, man, really?"

"So I call the trucker back.  I told him I DON'T KNOW CUZ THEY DON'T ANSWER.  He says he doesn't really want to go out of his way if they don't have it.  He says, 'well, what am I gonna eat?'  I was pissed.  So I said

'HOW ABOUT WHAT I COOKED?'

Duh.  I have to actually SAY this?  Come on.  What the hell is wrong with people these days?  Who gave you the right to act like king?  You want to be a king? Buy me a damn castle.  But for now, I'm working too. EAT it or SHUT UP."

"Bahahahaha... .You're still mad!"

"HELL YEAH.  Stubborn bugger went to bed without eating. What are you?  Two?"

"The kids drove me nuts. Constant arguing.  Simply NOT listening. Trucker's being schmuck, and Mom is all emotional because of a sick friend.   Just one of those days. I'm tired, I'm fighting nature, and I'm sick. Give me a break already.  Why doesn't anyone think I have things of my own to do?"

"Because you always do it for them.  They don't know that you feel crappy until you tell them. They don't know you're busy unless you say so.  So they ask like they do every other day. They are just in shock because you said NO." 

"You Think So?"

"You know it, lady.  You do this all the time.  You don't want to do it all, but you just keep doing it.  You delegate dishes to the kids, but you don't want to wait or fight for 2 hours to make them do it, so you send them out of the kitchen.  You know... it wouldn't kill you to say no more often.  You CAN'T do it all, and you need to stop pretending you can."

"I'm not pretending. I can do this, when I'm not sick, of course."

"And you don't see a connection there, huh?"

"What?  Oh. I get it. I'm wearing myself out because I'm doing too much for everyone and that's why I'm sick."

 "Good job! Took you long enough."

"You know, 

you're a lot nicer 

when you give this advice 

to OTHER PEOPLE."

"What can I say. 

You should listen to yourself more often.  

Then we wouldn't need to have these talks."