Testing My Time Management Skills With Online Classes

 

I have now completed year two of university. This year I pushed harder and took four classes per semester, as well as two additional 6 week long online classes in the spring semester. I discovered that I do not want to ever take online classes again, if I can avoid it at all. They were quite difficult in ways I didn't expect. I hadn't realized how much influence the physical presence of a professor can have. It is also more difficult to gauge their marking style or understand what exactly they are looking for in an assignment. As much as I may be introverted, I need people too. I learn best on my own sometimes, but there is so much that a professor brings to a class that you just can't get online.
 

The pace of the online classes was intense. I had deadlines every 3 or 4 days, even on weekends. Doing a single class might have been a lot more manageable, but I'm not that smart and I dive in head first. In order to balance the deadlines for two separate classes, I needed a good system. First I printed a blank calendar and wrote out due dates. Then I added family commitments or school functions. I didn't have a lot in May, June was crazy though. I looked at this calendar every single day.

Now, seeing when the Module items are due is only helpful if I have a way to keep track of what each module is. For instance, Module 1 did not have a chapter to read. Fortunately, none of the modules required more than one chapter. But keeping track of what has to be done for module 4, which might have been about chapter 7 doesn't help a lot. And you need to know the module numbers, because the assignment upload links or online quizzes are noted as the module number, not chapters or names. So, I made myself a chart for each class like this.

 

Angel always offers encouragement. 

 

I used this, as you can see, as a quick glance place to track marks. Especially helpful when I was trying to calculate my grades before the final. I did have to add the due dates to this form later in the term, because it was getting confusing.

 

Additionally confusing, and further testing my organizational skills, was the naming structure for assignments. All documents that we submit were in this format MyName_M##. For both classes. So I had a Wendy_M04 for both classes. And yes, I did accidentally submit a Psyc assignment to my Soci prof. What a nightmare! I believe that was the point where my professor decided I was an idiot and marked my work much more critically after that. Even when I had a better mark, his comments were quite condescending after that point. To prevent a repeat of that horrible mistake, I made a habit of changing the file name as soon as I had finished submitting it. I had separate folders for each class, and just happened to click the wrong folder. When you only get one chance to submit, this is not a good thing. So, each time I finished an assignment and uploaded it, I went into the folder and changed it from Wendy_M04 to Wendy_psyc_M04. No more mistakes.

 

Online quizzes are quite a bit easier, and they are open book also. But you do have a time limit and some test bank questions can relate to really small details, so you really do have to do the reading if you want to do well. It is a much better plan to flip back through the book to double check something, than it is to try to find the answers for each question. I like online tests because feedback is instant, but the questions can be a lot more difficult than if the professor wrote them, or chose them.

My psyc final was written online at the exam facility. It was great to know my mark before I left, but I didn't do as well as I hoped and I definitely felt instantly defeated. Conversely, my soci exam was on paper and he was 5 days past the cutoff for grades when he finally posted them. And I also don't know what my mark on the exam was, just the final class grade. You win some, you lose some. Right?

 

The most important thing that got me through all of this for the last two months, without losing my mind, was continuous work. I didn't have any chances to hand things in early, but I only had one quiz that I had to scramble to complete on time through the whole semester. Every day, I checked my calendars, did a little work every chance I could.

 

I read text books while sitting and waiting at kids schools. I did assignments while everyone was out during the day, or after everyone went to bed. I made sure I told the family when I had something big coming up or if I was falling behind. Having my mother here was a great help, because she could do up dishes if I didn't get to them or, most often, switch my laundry for me because I was notorious for leaving things in the washer during these classes. I'm not sure why.

 

For cleaning and school work, consistently doing at least a little bit, every single day, was key to completing these courses. I finished with an A- and a B+. Still attending field trips and volunteered every morning for half an hour to switch the home reading books in Angel's class. I cooked dinner almost every night and we still ate at the table, all together, almost every single night. I did my best to protect my weekends. Sometimes it meant staying up late Friday to finish enough that I would be on track for Monday, just so that I had Saturday and Sunday open. But most often, Sunday ends up being a day for laundry and homework. It has been that way since I started university.

 

I would have to say that I think taking two short semester online classes was much more difficult than taking four regular semester classes.  These were regular classes, crammed into only 6 weeks of classtime. Very intense and highly stressful.

 

Yes, it is hard. This adventure may very well be the hardest thing I have ever done, in so many ways. But really, it's not so hard that I would ever quit. I make smaller goals. Make the most of my time off. And I just DO what I have to DO. I'm not superwoman, I am just me. I am meeting the expectations I have placed upon myself. Isn't that what everyone does?

Smarter Than My Smart Phone

On January 31st, I cracked. The whole week was hard. And rushed. And miserable in so many ways. I was running late. The kids were all late to school. I was set up to be at least ten minutes late for my first class.

I had the beginning signs of high anxiety creeping up on me. My heart was racing, my thoughts rushing and my breathing speeding up. I couldn't take it. I couldn't slow it down. I knew that it really wasn't the end of the world if I was late. I've discussed my personal situation with a very understanding professor. I knew he wouldn't be upset if I was late.

But I couldn't stop the racing.

I turned the van in the opposite direction. Headed to a coffee shop with my books. I tried to focus on what was causing my problems. I went through the long mental list of all the things the kids were doing in the morning that drove me insane. I considered all the reasons why we are regularly rushing. The Trucker says "you just need to wake up earlier." HA. Yeah. That doesn't apply with my own completely inability to actually follow through in a plan to get up earlier. I just couldn't understand it. I get up at 7. I don't do my hair or makeup, I just pull my hair back in a pony tail or clip. I should have enough time.

The kids are so hard to wake up. That has to be it. I need to crack down on bedtime.... Well, no. They actually have been pretty good at bedtime. I can't seem to get the younger two moving until 8. Why? Where does this whole hour go?

I sat there, frustrated at this particular point. I'm getting up earlier, why does it take so much to get them up?

I reached for my phone. I decided a short break from thinking so hard was in order. I opened the Facebook app. Stared at it for a minute. Closed it. Opened Candy Crush, maybe just one level...

Then I closed that app too. This is the moment where it all came crashing down. I figured out the root of my issue.

I opened up my notebook and started to write. It was that soul cleansing outpouring of words that happens every so often. A moment where the pen starts moving and I have to read it all again when I'm done because I have no idea what just poured out. Here is what I scribbled (seriously, I can barely read my own writing.):

Today I change my life.

For one month, just February, I am taking all of my usual distractions off of my phone. If it's all for no real reason, I will know very soon. But this thing is taking time away from what is important.

I read it like a morning newspaper before I get out of bed. I end up rushing because I am looking at things that are not important. These things can set the tone of my day. These things can put me in a sour mood before my feet even hit the floor. It's not worth that.

I look over the top of it and see my daughter's lonely face.  I told her that I needed to finish my school reading first and now, she's waiting for her turn to be important.

I look past it and see the Trucker roll his eyes. I say that I am playing this game because he is watching TV and ignoring me anyway, but what if he is watching TV because I'm not paying attention?

It takes time away from school work.

It interrupts bedtime snuggles and stories, at the very least it delays it.

I can't count how many times I've said "Just a minute." or how often the boys get in the van afterschool and start talking, and I'm trying to finish a level, or enter a comment, before we drive home. Then the drive home is silent, because I have squashed the words they were saying when they got in.

I want more.
I want more eye contact.
I want more Hello's and Goodbyes.
I want more kisses at the door.
I just want more LIFE and I'm taking it.
I'm taking it back.
IT IS MINE. MY life.

Since I have deleted my distractions from my phone, I've had an amazing amount of time returned to me.

I'm astounded (and saddened) by the length of battery life my phone has now. I am also feeling the same about the number of times I find myself reaching for my phone only to stop and remember that there is no reason to. It's getting better, but it's still a lot.

I have had amazing conversations with my family.
I have had a lot of focused study time.
I have enjoyed a break from a lot of drama.
I have had smooth running mornings and no fights with kids because we need to rush.
I have slept really well, because I'm not staying up saying 'just one more level,' or 'I'll just see if someone posted something, I'll be quick.'

I haven't played any of the games I was hooked on, even though I can access them on the laptop. I just don't have the desire to do it.

I am still a Facebook user, but instead of being a constant checker and connected through never-ending notifications, I log in just once or twice through the day. When I do, I do not have the desire to try to scroll through all of the missed time either. I check notifications, pop in to the groups I am involved in. Sometimes, I don't even look at the newsfeed at all.

I keep my phone in my purse or pocket while I am in the van. I make eye contact and conversation with the kids when they get in now. I am waiting for them. They are not waiting for me.

I get out of bed and start the day on my terms. By the time I look at any of these online distractions, I've usually finished the majority of my day.

I hate to admit that the problem was me. Who ever wants to say that? But it certainly was. I wake up at the same time everyday as I did before. But instead of rolling over to look at the smartphone, I get up. I get my coffee made. I crawl in beside the Angel and snuggle up. She wakes up with a smile and a big hug for me. There is no struggle to get her out of bed; she wakes up loved and happy. I go into Art's room and sit on the edge of his bed. I rub his back in small circles for a minute or two, he wakes up with a sleepy "Good Morning, Mom."
Mr. Macboy, He gets himself up these days. He is often up before me. But I greet him every morning and take a minute to ask how he slept.

I will say that the phone helped my transition to wakefulness in the morning. It was a small step on the road to resetting my body clock. At the very least, I was staying awake and not just fighting with the snooze button. For months, I was waking up nice and early and staying awake. But I'd stay in bed where it was warm and cozy for as long as I possibly could. The first few mornings without the distractions were not exactly easy, but I was able to convince myself that if I just got up and made my coffee, I could crawl back in bed and warm up for a minute. Of course, once my feet were on the ground, I didn't go back to bed.

The benefits so far, just ten days in, are real. I am confident that I will not have any trouble getting to the end of February. I am at peace.

As Ready As I Can Be

An interesting thing happened today. I was feeling like I'd kind of wasted some of my time off. I had a few things I wanted to deal with at home and a few things got done. I felt like I should be doing something more, though I couldn't figure out exactly what. And I had absolutely no motivation to look for it.

 

It's not really a bad thing. I spent a large portion of my holidays taking care of important things. Like playing. Or reading. Or just listening to the kids. I spent a bit of my time on my marriage, some quality time with the Trucker. All good things of course.

 

I read a novel. The last installment in a series I loved. I read more of a text that I'd started in my Lit class. Reading was actually on my goal list. I love it and I miss reading for pleasure when classes are running. I may be the one who takes "reading week" a little too seriously and spends all their time with their nose in a book.

 

I've been writing more too. See, these kinds of things would never appear on a to do list and I think that's why I was so upset this morning. (Well, not that upset except when my coffee cup was empty.)

 

I headed in to Art's room this afternoon. He started cleaning yesterday and needed some help with organization of the things that he wanted to keep in there. (Like the Trucker's new tool box that was a Christmas gift and is now slotted for their remote control cars, tools and parts, and will never make it to the garage where it was intended to go.) It didn't take very long, because Art actually keeps himself pretty well organized. He sure doesn't get that from me.

 

At five o'clock, I was trying to decide what I was cooking for dinner. The Trucker was on his way home. I was standing in the kitchen when it hit me.

 

I am actually ready.

 

I can't honestly tell you the last time the house has been in this kind of order. And I felt like I wasn't getting anything done at all. So How Did That Happen?  My room has been picked over and reorganized, even went through my clothing and added to the donate bags. ALL THREE KIDS have clean rooms. I know where all the lunch bags are, and backpacks. I have the school library books ready, not lost. I am caught up to my laundry, it is even put away. I have my text books ready and my binders prepared. I will not be freaking out at 11 pm on Sunday night because I can't find anything.

 

And I didn't even see it happen.

 

It seems to me that:

 

When you really make an effort to be present

 

To be in the moment

 

To pay attention

 

To do the little things

 

To use the help you are given

 

To find the silver linings

 

To smile and laugh more

 

Things start to just happen.

 

You are doing it,

 

No different than you did it before

 

But you are not seeing it the same way.

 

It doesn't actually seem like work.

 

I enjoyed my holiday. I had fun. I relaxed. I spent time with family. I worked in small doses. When I stopped and looked at the things that DID get done, I barely remember doing some of it. I guess I have caught up enough to the flow of crap in the house, and taught the kids a bit better about not keeping things that break or giving away things we no longer use.

 

Really, the only thing I remember 'working' on was Angel's room. She was long overdue for an overhaul. I'm not really sure when all the rest of it happened. Macboy did a great job of his room on his own and didn't need any help. Mom folded and put away one basket of my clean laundry for the kids.

 

I will even admit that I sent a text message to my family to say:

"Holy crap, all the kids rooms are clean, and mine, and the laundry is caught up....

ALL ON THE SAME DAY!!!

This has probably never happened before and may never happen again,

so maybe we should take a picture!"

 

 

I can start classes this term on even ground. I am not starting out behind. I feel great. Just when you think that doing a little job won't matter, it surprises you by adding up. When you think that you don't have time to build a puzzle or listen to a nine year tell a highly exaggerated story, do it anyway. It will pick your spirits up in a way that nothing else can, and then things just start to happen. And you don't feel the 'work' of it, you just feel good.

The Calendar System For My Family

I am a bit of an agenda nerd. Ok, a lot of nerd. I'm kind of obsessed with my calendar and I never find anything that works well for us.

 

We used to use Cozi, and I loved it when I had an android phone with a widget that kept it in front of my face. When I switched to the iPhone, it became a pain. I never opened the app and sometimes the notifications didn't work the way I wanted. And looking at the calendar wasn't as easy, even with color coding the family members.

 

I like my iPhone calendar, and I sync it with my google account usually, but putting things there doesn't share it with the rest of the family. I have a lot of notifications and I customized it well. Some things have alerts, some don't really need alerts and I have it set just the way I need it.

 

But then the kids have plans of their own, or the Trucker makes plans and doesn't know what I have already. Or, of course, there are those days where the Trucker says something like "What the F### did you do all day?" I could pass him my phone but then he'd use up all my lives in whatever game I'm addicted to at the moment. Haha. No thank you!

 

I needed everything in one place.

 

A big wall calendar is helpful, but I need a lot of space to keep everything there. I searched and searched but there was just nothing that had enough space so I started this.

At first it was just a one week thing, one page that I kept in a page protector and wrote on with a dry erase marker. That was okay, but I have a lot of things to add to weeks ahead at times. So I just made a stack of these pages and kept them together on the fridge. No more dry erase. I have space for each of us and, though the picture above is not an accurate week here, the page gets pretty full. I don't keep these after the week is done, I just toss it in the recycle bag and move along.

 

In the beginning I had only Monday to Friday on the page. Those are my busy days, but within a few short weeks the Trucker and I were running into weekend conflicts. I always have one cleaning and laundry day on the weekend, and one day for plans that take us out of the house. So I didn't really need space for two days. Just one place to put the major weekend events and I write what day the plans are for. My week always starts with Monday and the weekend is just that, the end of the week. We've had a few hiccups, but nothing major with this set up.

 

Angel loves this set up too. She likes to see her name on the calendar and often adds her own appointments. The main reason I couldn't post an actual calendar week from our house is because by the end of the week, my whole page looks something like this:

 

She's a very busy girl!!

 

I write down everything. I write my class schedules and assignments on here. I have specific times for everything so that if I got hung up somewhere and I needed Grandma to pick up a child for me from school, she can look and see who gets out at what time. If we need a sitter, it is written down. If there is a hot lunch event at school, I write down the due date for the form, then the day of the lunch, what it is (eg. Subway) and that it was paid for. If we don't order, I write down "Hot Lunch - Not Ordered" and I know that Art needs to come home that day.

 

I copy my syllabus here, so I have an idea of what needs to be read for which class by what day. I write down appointments or play dates. I write down EVERYTHING. If I have to arrange a babysitter, I write down who is coming as soon as it is confirmed.

 

This planner has saved me so much stress. I still add most of this to my phone calendar because I want to have it with me, but this takes a load off my shoulders when it comes to sharing with everyone else. The Trucker and my mom can see when I have midterms coming or finals, and they know that I'm less likely to get the dishes done or I might need extra help with the kids. No one has to guess what is coming any more.  I don't forget library days.

 

I did forget Early Dismissal one day in December, but I had the alarm in my phone to remind me. I was only a few minutes late getting to the school. I'd been running from 8 in the morning and hadn't seen the house calendar! The alarm rang and totally shocked me! Having so much on a smart phone is a blessing some days, I was able to text a mom that I know well and she hung out with Art until I got there. Well, actually, I got there in time to pick up a back pack because Art headed to their house to play for a couple hours. To be fair, that was also the week of studying for finals and my van started having bigger issues. I had a lot in my head!

 

Having this organized was a life saver. Realizing what I can actually do with a week was so helpful, enough that I was able to start switching the books for home reading in the kindergarten classroom too. Now, when my classes finish, I head straight to the Angel's classroom and flip the readers for the class. The mom who had been doing it started a new job and had to stop, so when I offered time to the teacher she was ecstatic. Everything fell into place at just the right time.

 

Next term starts soon. I sat down and made up pages for now until March 30. I feel good. I feel in control and organized and I am looking forward to ironing out other problems as school resumes, since I no longer have to fight with scheduling errors.

 

It takes time to make this, photocopying doesn't quite do it. I want edge to edge print for everything and something with clear lines. Really, it's just tracing a bunch of straight lines. There is no perfect measurement involved, just the edge of a ruler. It takes time to re-write the repetitive items, but really, it doesn't take much. I spent half an hour tonight and made up three months. Most of the routines are copied, I had to stop for my little girl. So, maybe I'll spend an hour at most on preparing this for three months. Can't complain about that. I've spent years trying to buy an agenda that works right for me and never found one I really liked anywhere.

 

Sometimes it really is just better to make things yourself. Everyone is different.

Ups and downs and Expectations

Last week was so full of tears and stress. I think I hit my lowest point so far this year. But I struggled through it and was well rewarded this week. Getting my marks back for the last of my midterms reminded me that this is worth fighting for!

I will never be able to do ALL of the things I want to be doing, but I'm getting there. 

Today I had tears again but they were more from a sense of accomplishment and pride. 

It's hard, so hard, so heartbreaking sometimes.  I have to  fulfill some roles whether I want to or not. Like cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Somehow I have to get these things done. I have help at home. But it's not always helpful... It just doesn't balance out.

I'm forced to choose all the time. And the choices are more difficult than any I've faced in my life. I may have made some similar decisions in the past, when I was working. Torn between kindergarten field trips and work, for example.

But this feels different. For one, I made the choice to go back to school. This is totally voluntary! And second, not only am I not bringing income in for my hours of work, I am actually driving us deeper in debt. The results of these two factors can torture me some days and it is very hard to focus on the big picture.

The choices I have now are based on making the most of my time in school. I don't want to simply pass my courses, I want to do it well. I have to study hard and do hours of work to master the topics I study. 

But I also still need to make sure the kids are okay. Deal with school, maintain self esteem, determine weaknesses and build strengths. Even more than that, though, I need to be present. I need to be an active part of my family. I need to listen to the rest of the family. I need to snuggle and hug and PLAY. I don't want to divide the family but I still have to do my schoolwork!

Fridays are sometimes hard, I want to be with the Trucker while he is at his Friday night job. But I want to be with the kids. But I want to study. Friday tends to be family focused until eight or so.  Once the Angel goes to bed, the Trucker is off to work and the boys are settled, I get the most focused and quiet study time of the whole week. I want to be somewhere else during that time but I monopolize on the quality of the time for me instead.

This weekend, I had to choose between a family movie night or studying. That is a heart wrenching position to be in. The movie wasn't anything special, but the time is. The kids won't all stay sitting and relax if we are not all doing the same thing. If Mom doesn't watch the movie and I would rather do something else, I can go do it. So more than just removing myself from the moment, I risk that moment for all of them. If only 2 or 3 sit down, it is no longer family movie night. 

I did choose the movie. But I folded laundry while I was watching it. I get spread too thin, quite easily. 

The last two weeks have been full of midterms. I got back my last grade today. I tanked on one of the exams but I can see why when I look at the big picture. All of my marks have been 80 or higher, except that one. I earned a wimpy 68%. Being me, and therefore super-perfectionist-overachiever, I was devastated by this. I cried and stewed and got really unpleasant for a few days. Even though I know the rational side of everything and how to fix it, I was emotionally broken. I figured I'd made the single greatest mistake ever. I'm giving up so much of what I want to be doing right now and then it doesn't even show in my grade?

I shifted. I analyzed everything to pieces. I changed my strategy and hit the last midterm with a totally different approach and came out with 102%. And I cried again.

I cried because I can do this. I cried because even when it's hard, I am managing okay. My kids still know I'm here for them, I can still have time for my marriage. I can still study and attend classes. I'm not doing as much of all the things I want to be doing, but I can still do a little of all of it. And in a few more weeks I will get a break.

There is nothing about this that is easy, but I'm getting there!

I Lost A Whole Day!

I'm a busy mom. With working at home, trying to get to the gym, trying to find time to write around the Trucker's crazy hours and three busy kids, sometimes I'm amazed I have time to shower!  Every now and then, I find that one thing that demands so much of my mind and my energy that all other things fall to the wayside. 

I'm a huge reader. I love to read. All kinds of books, just not the gushy romance novels my mother and grandmother read all the time. I read a strange assortment of books. Much like my really odd selection of music. I like a bit of everything.  Most of the time it's a struggle to get time in to read a full novel. A few minutes here and a few minutes there. Sometimes I read a little while I'm waiting for the kids at the school, or sitting in the living room until the kids are quiet enough that I actually believe they are going to sleep at night. 

Occasionally, I find a book that I just can't put down. I tend to devour Kay Hooper novels, which are kind of freaky and sometimes gory. They fascinate me and I can't stop reading until they are done. I got sucked in to the Da Vinci Code the same way. Then I got interested in the storyline for The Help. Finally caved in and bought the book, and had it finished the next night.

My sister bought the Hunger Games books last week. She's been reading a library copy and decided to order the set to keep reading. I borrowed the first one and started reading Wednesday. Thursday night I finished it. Friday she dropped off the second and third for me, since I'm reading faster than she is. Saturday morning I finished Catching Fire and Saturday night around 11 I finished the Mockingjay.  Those are the kind of books I can't put down. That is the way I wish I could write. I was hooked from the beginning and just HAD TO read the rest. The break between the second and third novels was about.... 5 minutes.  Maybe long enough to hit the bathroom and grab a drink before I settled back into it.

Seriously, I did nothing but read yesterday.  I think it drives the Trucker crazy when I go so deep into a book. Life just sort of happens around me. I'm holding the book in one hand cooking dinner with the other. Propping the book open while I do other tasks that have to get done. Carrying it everywhere I go.  Until I'm done.

Sometimes when I'm done it feels hard to get back into the real world. For the hours while I am reading, I am in a totally different world. My heart and soul are lost in the writers words and I just blend into their reality.  It's almost like the low you get after you spent a long time planning an event and then suddenly it's over.  Suddenly I'm back in the much less exciting real world and I don't know what to do with myself.

I guess I'm like this with everything. There is no half way. I'm in or I'm not. I do it all and do it right or I just don't do it.  For the writers of the world, if you don't have me hooked in the first chapter, I might read the second, but if I'm not totally engrossed by the end of the second chapter I probably won't finish the book.  Is it the perfectionist in me?  Am I a lot more OCD than I suspect?  

If I don't fold my laundry as it comes out of the dryer, it sits in a basket for a week. If I don't do the dishes right after dinner, they'll sit until .... well, whenever I get the energy to tackle them the next day.  I procrastinate like no other. But once I start something I go extreme until it's finished. Wiping the counter can turn into a two hour kitchen scrub down. Putting clothes away can turn into a huge closet purge.  Picking up papers in the office turns into a complete revamp of the entire room.

Now, my sister is laughing at me for getting so caught up in these books and I'm not allowed to talk about them until she's caught up. Darn. Hurry up will ya?  What's your problem?  hehehe oh yeah, I had your books.  And I have no life!

Does this happen to you?  What hooks your attention?  Have you gotten so lost in a book that time stopped, or at least seemed to?

Try Something New - Lunch Time

This year (pleeeeease let me stick with it this time), I have sat down with the boys at the beginning of the week and made a lunch list for the week. Art stays at school because he likes to have more time to play with his friends but Macboy thoroughly enjoys any break from the day that he can get, so he comes home. 

History has taught us that if we don't discuss it much, my kids will eat the same bologna sandwich every day for months without complaining, then one day it will just stop. You know that moment where it's like "if I ever see another piece of bologna again...." It's not that I force feed them the same thing every day. I don't. I ask them every morning what they want, and they tell me. I'm not awake enough in the morning to even think that it's the same thing they've eaten for the last 476 days straight.  They are not allowed peanut butter, and are picky eaters, so I'm kind of screwed for ideas.

Oh, wait.... I should have said grilled cheese. Or anything else. My kids still willingly eat bologna everyday even if it's not in a sandwich. I've gone through at least a package every week for the last .... oh.... 6 years. haha
(wish I was kidding)

I talked to them about the importance of variety, getting a good assortment of foods in and absorbing different nutrients and blah, blah, blah....

We started with a general list of 'acceptable' ideas, which I have kept and will add to as we find more variety, then we listed the days of the week and chose their lunch picks for the week.  When we got to Friday, I added a 'Surprise Lunch'  The big surprise is that I don't have a clue what the surprise is either.... I haven't decided yet. It depends on the amount left in the paycheck after the bills clear!

Art has asked to come home for lunch on Fridays, I agreed on the basis of Surprise Lunch days, but not necessarily every Friday. We would discuss in advance as the year goes on.  I know he likes to come home, but it all depends on the day. If he had a super morning recess he wants to continue it at lunch, if it wasn't so great, he wants to come home.  For a few weeks last year, he figured I could come into the school to check with him.  Ummmm..... No. I don't go there to pick up Macboy, so I would have to go out of my way to see IF he was having fun or not.  I finally put my foot down and made him come home everyday.  And of course, because Art will argue with everything just for the sake of practicing his english, both of those months, he wanted to stay almost every day.

I don't want to get into a rut for food, and I need to expand Macboys cooking skills a bit. Lunch is a great time for this. Most of the time it is just him and I and the Angel Baby, so I've been teaching him how to make more of his own food.  There will be a time not too far from now that he will need to make his own lunches everyday. 

I couldn't eat the same thing every single day.... I'd go nuts! So, I'm working on making sure they don't repeat their meals too much either. Plus it saves me time every day, I don't have to guess, I know I have what I need. They get more time with mom because I'm ready. Win, Win, Win.

Motivation - I Don't Feel Like Finding It

Some days are hard to get started. Days like today where I woke up 15 minutes later than normal with a headache.  These are the days when I don't walk the kids into the school, I just drop them off and watch them go in.  The days where I stay as close to PJ's as I can, for as long as I can.

These are also the days where I have a 10 mile long to-do list.

I've got to prioritize my day. I need to get a grip on what really has to be done and what can wait. But I don't even feel like looking at the full list. Jump online to check emails and delay myself even more by reading articles that I wouldn't normally, check things like Facebook or Twitter, read my work emails, personal emails, catch up to comments on the blogs.  A ten minute job that can drag out for an hour.

Sometimes I get a kick start. The phone rings and something new to take care of takes precedence over everything else. But then once that is finished I am back to square one. I have too many things I should be doing but none that I want to do.

Thankfully, days like this are getting farther apart. Beating down depression means pushing myself through these times. Just picking one thing at a time, even if it is not the highest priority of the day means that I can still find my sense of accomplishment.  Beating down the guilt that plagues me from not focusing properly will be there tomorrow. 

This day, this long slow day, can be exactly what leads to a downward spiral again. I will not let that happen. This time, I have forced my way through a few things that were important, and snuck in a few things that could wait if I wanted. I've left the dishes sitting, but I started the laundry. I've glanced at my work tasks and determined some top priorities.

The important thing here is that even though I don't want to do anything, I don't feel like starting, I have started. I have moved. I have got a few things done. This is not one of those days where I have chosen to hyperfocus on some meaningless task to avoid what really needs to be done. I have stuck to that actual list (that isn't written yet) and done what should be done today.  The things that can wait have already been waiting. I'm still recovering from laundry that collected while camping last weekend and it's Thursday.

I'm going to spend the next half hour, until Macboy gets home for lunch, taking 5. No, not just relaxing, but I'm going to take 5 minutes to focus on each part of my day so that after lunch, I will have a better view of where I really am. 5 minutes isn't much, but it can mean a lot. 5 minutes will not strain my eyes or neck and will not worsen this headache I'm fighting. 

5 for work - plan my tasks
5 for Angel Baby - change clothes for the day, she's in PJ's too
5 for switching laundry
5 for planning home tasks
5 for getting lunch going for Macboy

And most importantly,
5 for a cup of coffee to savour the last half hour of getting something done.

How do you get yourself motivated on days like this?  What is one thing that you can do anytime to kickstart your day?

Take 5.  Take care.

It's All Just A Balancing Act

I read an article recently that stated that women who believe that it is possible to maintain a proper work/life balance with families are MORE likely to suffer from depression than those who don't think it is possible.  I found this pretty interesting and started looking through my history to see how this applied.

A few years ago, I was working full time outside of my home. I didn't strive for perfect balance, I barely managed sometimes. I lived on an "as-needed" basis most days. I wasn't stressed about what was or wasn't getting done because I simply knew that it was a crap-shoot. Can't win them all, so just do what you can.

Then I had a great maternity leave after my last baby. I was afforded the luxury of being at home for a year. I learned all kinds of neat things about managing my home and life as well as raising my kids. I was also home at a time that became difficult with my oldest meeting with several doctors and psychiatrists where we finally reached a diagnosis. I was not a crazy mom, something about that boy WAS special.

I had a spotless, organized home. My days just flowed. I had a few hours every afternoon where I could sew or read or relax. Every day.  Then finances got tight. The trucker was laid off just before Christmas and I had just barely begun working again. I was struggling to manage the home, family, special needs and schools, support the trucker until he got working again, and work from home.

Working from home is an illusion. It doesn't make anything in life easier, it makes it more complicated. It is easy to get sidetracked from work to laundry and the other way, from relaxing family time to checking emails and such.  I couldn't figure out why it was all so hard to do.
I fell into a depression that just seemed never-ending.

Why?  Because I still believed I could do it all. I still believed as I had before when working away from home that I could get everything looked after. I failed to remember that I didn't do it all before. I let it all slide. Life was simple and that worked.  When I started working at home, I had the mindset that I could balance perfectly. I had a few hours every day that were free before, so I could fill them with work and nothing had to change.

I certainly agree with that article. (You can read it here) When I believed I could balance, I suffered. When I didn't think it was possible and didn't try so desperately, I survived. Interesting perspective.

When I had my most recent meltdown, I revealed that I've spent much of my summer trying to please everyone else first. Because I filled my free time with work, I forgot to replace the free time for myself somewhere else.

So, I'm readjusting my schedule. I'm changing my priorities and because I have blasted all of the truth out of my head, my family (mother and trucker) is on my side. There will be less pressure. I am signing on at a gym for some ME time.  I will not compromise my breaks for others needs. Work is important and will be a priority, but not at the expense of my family. Others in the house need to pick up some responsibility too. And those things that just can't get done, will simply wait.

No one died from having dishes sit overnight. No one ended up in the hospital because there were toys on the floor. Well, wait. Maybe, if they like tripped on Lego or slipped down the stairs on a hot wheels car (can you tell I've got boys?)...  My pain in the a** portable dishwasher is going to get some exercise. I don't use it often because it is just annoying to move around. But I will.

I was definitely happier when I didn't think it was possible to do it all.  So I'm going to stop trying and just do what feels right.  Starting now, I have to listen to all my own advice! I need to really pay attention to the positive messages I am sending. And I need to share more of the positives with the people here, in my house, not just for readers online. I appreciate the small moments. Those are the moments that pull me through.

The balance will shift back and forth from time to time. That's okay too. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done. Right?

Wish me luck!  And kick me every now and then when I sound like I'm forgetting this!

Insert Vegetables Here

I need a sign, point it at my mouth. And the kids too.  I don't eat enough of those greens and I know it.  I'm trying to be more commited to my food choices and perhaps - No... definitely - exercise more. I've had it with this extra weight.  I found a like minded community of mommies and friends who all have the same goals in mind. I am hopeful that this extra support will help me stay accountable and get back into the nice clothes I own!

I've been pretty much lost all summer. I dread school days and structure just as much as my kids do. It's partly a control issue as the school days and hours are beyond my control. But it's largely a lack of will power to stick to any real routines during the summer. I'm up til three am one day, then in bed at 9 the next. I have been working on shifting the kids bedtimes back to normal so the first days of school won't be so hard. But man, it's summer. And where I live, Summer doesn't last very long at all.  

I can make some really awesome plans. I had great dreams of how my summer would go. The kids sleep late, so I could get myself up at the regular time and get most of my work done before they woke up.  But because I am constantly running behind, I stay up too late. Then when I do go to bed early it's because the kids have actually gone to sleep earlier. Which means they wake up earlier. UGH... Just can't win.

To be honest, I am not a morning person. There is just no way around it.  I can think about whatever I want before bed, but there is just nothing that will get me moving. My half brain in the morning convinces me quite well that I have just 5 more minutes.

On the bright side, I may be swimming in a sea of laundry, but I have kept the main floor of the house clean all week. I've had my dishes done every night. I've been cracking the kids up with my crazy "mom" dancing while I'm cleaning up. I need to get the extra exercise into my days somehow!  Angel Baby rocks out with me, but the boys think I've lost my marbles.

I've made some new connections with some other INFJ personalities lately. It's funny how we think the SAME things, the SAME ways. Almost creepy! Anything I've read that these people have written could have come from my own mouth.  I've always known I was kind of unique, I didn't know that I really was that different!  INFJ's are the most rare of all personality types. It's a blessing and a curse sometimes, so I can't say if I'm happy about this or not.  Reading a report from a personality quiz was one thing, starting to find like-minded individuals really drives it home. And the best part is that I wasn't looking for these people. I just had the opportunities open up, because I am opening up.  I love this, and I'm happy they found me!

Hmmm... guess there really wasn't much of a topic today. No one thing consuming my thoughts that I had to just spill. But that will come. Life will settle sooner or later.  Whoever convinced me to work on potty training, while working at home, with all kids out of school, and mom on a super clean house rampage... among many other things, needs a swift kick. NOW. Oh, wait, this was all my own doing wasn't it?

Like A Candy Wrapper In An Updraft

I'm Sooaaarrriing!!!

Well, okay. Not so much. And yes, I am slightly sad that I can quote Homer as much as I do. 

But I'm feeling good. I've reduced my hours for work for awhile. Some days I can do everything, some days I can't do much at all.  I'm balancing....

I covered the wall in the bedroom with paper... NO MORE MARKER MESS. At least for a little while.  

I got my brain back into work mode. I made it through my whole list of to-do's today.  I have clean clothes to wear tomorrow and my boys have full dressers for a change.

It feels great to be useful again. I've transferred my calendar details to a calendar that I can sync on my phone. I've added my daily and weekly routines to my evernote account. I like that you can use little checkboxes to mark what you have done.  I can use this on my my laptop, the phone and the iPad. So it's everywhere I go, and the family has easy access to these lists too (in case they ever get sick and decide to help out).

Well, mostly feels great. I'm pretty darn lonely.

Congratulations! You are the winner 

of a whole evening BY YOURSELF! 

**You have to do the dishes, switch the laundry, sweep the floors, 

scrub the marker off the wall, check the backpacks,and deal with your kids 

when they aren't listening and sitting still watching their movie...but 

you WIN.

Am I bitter?  Nooooo.............

The Trucker tried to help, I know he meant well.  But, he tried to distract a 7 year old and a soon-to-be 3 year old with a movie. Poor misinformed man.... This little girl doesn't sit for 5 minutes unless she's sick.  I get left at the messy table with the dishes.   And the million questions and interruptions I got were not from him, but from Art who is trying to be helpful. (I think). Just mostly about him, and probably things he said out of frustration. Like "Why isn't your mother distracting Angel Baby?" which leads to Art running upstairs to say "Mom, Dad wants you to come downstairs and try to distract Angel Baby."  I may have been faster and been able to watch part of the movie with them if not for so many stops & starts, but.... I've seen that movie anyway. 

My poor trucker. He didn't know that Art was running up and down the stairs harassing me. The look of pure confusion on his face when I flipped my lid didn't register with me until I had already started the lecture.  He's been known to send Art to do his dirty work before.  And Art went very quickly into hiding, realizing that he was busted for blaming dad.

I've now calmly asked Art not to watch movies on that TV on school nights anymore. It's too low, so Angel Baby is in the way. A Lot. And I am not going to spend my time distracting her for them. Unfortunately, the Trucker didn't get the apology he deserves. He told me right where to take my opinions and has gone to sleep. He's up and out at 4:30 most mornings.

Shiny side? Silver lining?  

"Wha-arr Yoooo?" Angel Baby would say..."Ahhh... There Diz"  I see it. 

1. Trucker did learn a valuable lesson about why it is hard for me to work during the day sometimes. If she is that distracting watching a movie, imagine when you are trying to focus and finish something!
2. I did have some time without kids. No Helpful toddler in the kitchen with me.
3. I stepped back and ignored as much as I could and finished my tidying up for the evening. It's done. When I wake up I will have a clean kitchen to look at. And I'll have clean clothes to put on.
4. I didn't try to control everything, I let the trucker deal with the kids until I was finished my stuff.
5. When I crawl in bed shortly, I know that I can snuggle up to the trucker and he'll just let me. He'll roll over and I can tell him I love him and we will sort the rest out later.

For every success, there are some fails first right? I have got to get a handle on my moods though. I hold on for so long but when I blow, watch out. I don't like that side of me. At All.

Now. Cup of tea and a book for me. Start over tomorrow.

Good night! 

You Don't Have To Understand

Just the other day, I was having a conversation about my blogging.  It started off with "Well, how much time do you actually spend on that blog crap, anyway?"  This is intended to include twitter, facebook, stats, writing, really everything that I do in relation to my blogs.  I was hurt. Of course I was hurt. There is nothing like having ANY part of your life referred to as crap.  So, I struck back with every single stupid thing that I think that person does. Every little thing that I think is a waste of time. And added to my defense that my kids are involved and LOVE THIS. They suggest things to write about. Macboy even sneaks into the browser on his DSi and reads some of my posts.

It seems to some that this part of my life is interfering with my work time and other responsibilities. And yes, I will admit that it does sometimes mean that I'm juggling my hours a bit differently. But I am still working.  And I'm even finding benefits from the blogging to help me understand my work. I understand some of the things we do a bit better since I've starting working on the other side of the webworld.

Blogging is saving me. It is boosting my confidence, providing an outlet for some of the things in my brain that I just can't always say out loud.  It is giving me something to look forward to.  It is taking me back to simpler times. I am meeting new people, learning tons of new things everyday.  I went from feeling as though NO ONE cared to seeing that some people do like to hear what I say. I am anything but alone in my life. And I have been able to share some funny moments that people could miss easily.  The humour and happiness around us is often overlooked and now I'm paying attention. I'm seeing things in a different way and taking time to enjoy the small stuff. I started off with a small handful of 'followers' and some of them were forced into it. Now I have more, and it grows every day.  See those buttons up on the top? They WORK.

Another advantage of this blogging 'hobby' is that I am simply more AWARE. I am making changes to my life daily because I am looking at the world differently.  Also because I read some of the writing of my peers and feel inspired to make changes.

"Well What Do You Need Vacation For?"

Really?  Sure, I do feel guilty to some degree because I'm taking time off while the kids are in school.  But seriously?  I DESERVE A BREAK.  Work at home is a whole different world, especially if you don't have daycare involved. And it is not all about my job, it's just that work is the only thing in my life I can ACTUALLY take a vacation from!!!  I'm not freaking out because I can't do my job.  And I'm not quitting my job either. I'm taking a week off. That's it. 

I can't stop potty training, or helping with homework, or hugging a crying kid at 2 am who had a nightmare.

I can't stop laundry or dishes or sweeping or vacuuming or... you get it....

I can't stop being a mom of a boy with Tourette's. Sure it's not a severe case, but we have our speedbumps

I can't stop being a wife or a mom or a friend or a daughter or a sister.

I don't want to.

I don't need to stop anything.

I just need a slower week.

Vacation time?  Hell YES, I need vacation time. And NO it is not because I work too many hours in a day, it is NOT because I spent time writing here instead of looking after other things. And it is absolutely not because I "can't handle my expectations as a mother."

My longest 'vacation' was my honeymoon. We took a week. 4 days with the boys in tow, and 3 days just for adults (Angel Baby was still 2 years away).  We went camping. It was still like everyday life, just not at home. I had to clean up, cook, take care of kids... you know.

Next was the August long weekend, when hubs and I got to go camping 2 years in a row with no kids. This hasn't happened since 2008.

I'm still not going anywhere, I'm just lightening the load. For one freaking week.  Give me a break.  I'm taking time off, so that maybe I can use my extra 20 hours that week to put some order back into my home. Find my desk in my office that I JUST GOT and have already lost to a pile of everyone else's crap.  And maybe, just maybe play with my kids a bit more?

So, really, any judgemental 'friend' can take their opinions and ....... fill in your own blanks here.

I blog because I want to. Because I can.  It is the first thing to suffer when life gets crazy. I drop it like it never existed.  It's not my first priority, but it is on the list.

You don't have to read it, you don't have to understand it, you don't have to care.

And I don't have to stop.

 

Upcoming Changes

I've mentioned once or twice that I've lost my direction... well, I never really had any, but I'm not sure I'm going anywhere.

Over the next week or so, I will be spending a bit more time on 'behind the scenes' items.  Cleaning up some items, streamlining the flow, and possibly transferring a few posts between here and Who Took My Last Cup Of Coffee?.  I hope to make this an easier blog to read or search through and make it a bit more 'share-worthy'.

I am also working along with the SITSgirls, on learning how to improve my blog so that you guys might actually stick around and read some more.

I get a little sidetracked sometimes.... okay, almost all the time.  So bear with me. If I do this right, you shouldn't feel a thing. You may notice my background has changed. Again... It's like rearranging my bedroom, I just have to do it sometimes. haha.

I am just one week away from my vacation at home, and greatly looking forward to it.  I will force organization back into my home and my blog and my life.  No more hiding in the shadows, no more wishing things were different. June 12, I will MAKE things different.

I've also decided (partly because I am so horribly late with the story) that I will write my WWE stories and post them the following week. So this week will be about last week and our first attempt.  I can't post on Wednesday, or I will be breaking the rules. But there is nothing saying I can't write it and let blogger post it for me!!

Some Beach...

Somewhere... With nowhere to go and you got all day to get there.

I'm due for vacation.  I need a break.  I can't give up everything and go away on my own. My kids are too little for that. I'd also be concerned about the truckers mental health by the time I got back. I know that he has a very inaccurate view of how I spend my time each day, but I still don't want to throw him into my life like that.  It would be sink or swim and I'm not sure who would be standing. (Likely the Angel Baby. She'd kick some ass for sure.)

I find often that there are just too many demands on my time. I think I have established that some of this is my fault as I have failed to create boundaries at home.  I have not treated myself or my time with respect and therefore others don't either.  I will need to let go of something.  

I have considered leaving my job. (which would be INSANE. This is a pretty sweet gig.) But I like the extra money at the end of the month and I like having things to do that do not involve my children.  I also like to make use of my brain so that it doesn't turn to mush from watching too many disney channel shows.

I've thought about giving up or delegating chores and housework, but I am often too exhausted to complete the followup. In the end, it's easier to do it myself.

It's hard to give up control over some things.  Like, YES, it does matter which way you stack the pots in the cupboard.  Now and then, I might not care, but when the pots fall out on to my feet because they are not stacked right... I will care... and chances are whoever put them in there wrong won't be here to hear my swearing.

It's hard for me to let go of folding clothes MY WAY.  You can fit twice as many towels in the cupboard my way.  Your socks should match.  In the dressers, Art's pants fit best folded once, Macboy's in thirds and Trucker's fit best folded in half twice.  I do back down more on kids clothes now, as they just rifle through anyway and by the time they get the next batch of laundry nothing is folded anymore.

It's hard for me to watch you spend an hour doing something that I can do in 15 minutes. It's also hard for me to watch you spend 10 minutes doing something that would take me 1.  

So, since I'm a whackjob and control freak, I can't give up the housework.  I think I have come to the decision that work is the only thing that won't get screwed up if it's not me doing it.  So I've got to plan a vacation.  I can't go anywhere, can't afford it, and can't subject the family to the trucker being 'leader' so I'll be here. And it's highly possible I will end up working harder at home on my week off.  BUT.  I think if I can swing it just right... it might be the best solution.

A week off work. No laptop. No cell phone. No skype. No meetings.  

Can I do it?  Can I unplug for that long?  

Perhaps, I should plan vacation time for when the kids are out of school?  So we can do some super awesome lifelong memory making activities?  Nahhh... I need a break for ME. Not them.  I need to do this before school lets out for summer. I need to plan at least one day with Angel Baby AWAY from the house. (yes, this time, I AM saying I need help...any babysitter volunteers??)

I'm going to have to do some serious planning and plotting. It will be unpaid vacation time, so I have to make sure the budget will still balance out.  And I have to list what I hope to accomplish from the time off.

I want to balance out.. I want to calm down. I want to de-stress. I want to declutter. I want to find my laundry room under that mountain of crap.  I want to find out what I'm actually storing in the space under my stairs.  I want to read a book.  I want to write the first chapter of my book.

But most of all, I want to HALT this rapidly spreading GREY hair before it consumes me. I'm 32.  I should not have more grey than my mother. (yes, I know she dyes her hair, but I've seen her roots.  I DO have more.)

Oh. And hopefully this break will remind me that occasionally, my boss DOES read this and perhaps I should discuss it with him before I announce it to the world. hahaha

This Time Is Your Time, This Time Is My Time

Oh, wait, that's not how the song goes.  

Not really how my life goes either.  

I keep trying to remind myself that these days don't last forever.  The ever pressing demands for my attention will ease up. Every day the kids grow just a bit more independent.  Everyday the pressure is lightening. I just can't feel it right now.  Like the grass growing in the yard, each change is so minimal that it goes by unnoticed, then suddenly you realize that it has a life all it's own.

It's easy for someone on the outside of your life to tell you to enjoy the small things.  How cute it is when your little one is being helpful, how much you will miss taking care of them.  But when every moment of your day, every day, is filled with small things, the big things suffer too.  Yes, I agree that if I take an hour to do dishes with my baby girl she will remember playing with mommy.  Sure whatever task it was that I was going to do next will wait.  It's not life or death to get it done.  But sometimes... NOTHING gets done.

Yes, I do let the TV babysit my kids. Get over it.

I'm not saying my children are out of control. I'm not saying my hubby doesn't help enough (that's a whole different conversation).  I'm not saying I can't or don't want to do this or be here.

I just need a break now and then.  If you aren't here, you don't know.  If you find it amusing when I'm having a chaotic day... remember to check for the mania hiding in my laughter.  Am I really laughing because I find it humorous?  Or am I laughing because I just don't know what to do anymore?

Writing here, is quite often my only "free" time.  And it's not really free. Right now, my boys are having a nerf battle. I'm waiting for someone to get hurt or mad and come running in yelling "MOM, he --insert random complaint here--!!"  They had popcorn as an afterschool snack. Left the bowl on the nightstand so it's gotten knocked down. And I just heard the sound of something falling out of the fridge. Praying Angel Baby is not trying to get her own juice, cuz it sounded like the jug fell.

I'm also NOT saying "hey, whoever is close... come help me..."  Unfortunately, I'm too stubborn to accept much help and in all honesty, I don't need more help that way.  I need less demands. I need more time.  I need more rest. I need ear plugs. I need to be able to drink without puking or head aches!!  I need peace. Calm. Balance.

But... when I take breaks.. I pay later.  I'm gonna have a half hour of clean up for this ten minutes of writing. I'm grateful for the friends I have, the family who is here for me, the knowledge and faith I have that this will pass. I'm insanely busy (not just insane) and it's OKAY. I'm not trying to ignore my friends. I don't want to isolate myself.  But those who are close to me understand that. And they call me.  And they know that if I wait for a quiet moment to talk on the phone... I'll never talk to anyone.  

Forgive me for seeming like a snob.  I am not. I'm not avoiding anyone. I'm not trying to seek out sympathy.  I don't have time for that.  I'm not supermom. I'm not better than you. I'm not worse, either.

I'm a mom of three busy kids.  I'm a trucker's wife.  I'm a daughter who shares her chaos with her mother in the home we share.  I'm an employee. I'm a stay at home mom.  I'm a wannabe writer.  I'm Wendy.  I can cook, I just don't like to tell anyone. They might want to come for dinner. And I might have to catch up to my dishes and clean a bit better. It's easier to keep your expectations low.

Grin and bear it baby. It's just another day.