You Really Can't Go Home

Not long ago it was brought to my attention that the house we lived in when I was born was up for sale. Curiosity set in almost instantly and my siblings and I started to discuss what it would be like to go see it. We decided to watch for an open house.

Tonight we had an opportunity to go and see the house by an appointment with a very kind and understanding real estate agent. He was very sweet.

I was about 6 or 7 years old when we moved out of that house, the same age that Angel is now.  We moved because of divorce. As the youngest, I have very few memories of any marital stresses between my parents. I have only a limited recollection of the details of the split. I am fortunate, I know.

The interesting thing about this tour of my childhood home is the differences in perceptions that each of us children possess. Different things were important to each of us, different details stood out for each of us. One feature wall in the basement was removed, which did have quite an effect on all of us. There was a mock bay window, with a top lit picture of an Irish castle. It was beautiful and it is gone.

My sister, the oldest, has more memories of the difficulties that led to the divorce and, thus, had a much more emotional experience than I had. My brother found his name written in sloppy childhood hand on an upper beam in the garage. That was something amazing.

I love that house. I love the layout and design. The big back yard that seems so much bigger than I remembered it, but seemed smaller in comparison to my brother's memory. The Trucker even liked that house. He got a glimpse into my childhood as well. But, I know that I love what I thought it was, more than what it actually is.

It is unfortunate the way that memory works. I have had a fairly clear image of the floor plan almost all my life. But as memories are continual reconstructions, I'm quite certain that details from today will begin to merge with details from my history. Perhaps a little magic of my youth will be lost. There are many features that are still the same as they were, some a bit surprising. But the differences exist and will alter my future perceptions, because the memories for me are small and broken already.

Perhaps it is a curse to know that this will happen. Darn Psyc Major!!

Within minutes of leaving, Macboy was calling me. Angel was being difficult and I had to shift back into mom brain and deal with the behavior. The evening went fast, with a lot of fight. Angel had to call my bluff, I had to send her to bed way earlier than she's been going lately. I wasn't too happy. We had stormy weather, an eerie greenish glow in the sky which thankfully passed without event. The trucker went to bed, my mother got home.

I needed to process my thoughts. I have feelings of nostalgia, sadness, joy, gratitude and regret. So many, many more emotions after this kind of experience. One is tempted to consider the "What If's" in a situation like this, but even with all of the difficulties I have faced since we moved out of that house, I would not want it any other way.

Unfortunately, I was wearing the big neon sign on my forehead this evening that says "please disturb my peace and talk to me about random things". The text alternates with "please come in and turn on the TV, then walk away" and also "I didn't quite catch that the first 8 times you said it, please repeat it for me?"

Lucky for you, my inability to think clearly led me to write instead. And this post, completely unedited for your enjoyment (it's awkward and emotional, I don't want to reread it at the moment), is my attempt to settle my thoughts and make some sense of my emotions.

The house that I visited today was not my home. I felt a little disappointed that I didn't feel that immediate sense of 'home' that I sort of always expected to have if I ever went back there. I will convince myself that it is because of the changes that have been made, but the truth is more likely that it simply isn't my home. It was once, but it is no longer. It is a part of me, but now it can be someone else's new beginning. Even if I moved back into that house tomorrow, it would not be the same house. I am not the same person I was then. None of us are, not even my parents.

We moved out in the mid-eighties. The walls have been touched with many other hands since then. The floorboards have absorbed the histories of many other lives. The house is changed eternally, as am I. I would never say that it couldn't be my home again, just that it would never be the same home to me. Perhaps it would hold similar magic for my own children, but then again, they are all near or past the ages we were when we moved and it just might not.

I'm glad to have had the experience of going back there, and even more pleased that I was able to do it with my siblings who lived there with me. I can only imagine how they feel now, I hope it is still a positive fondness and not regret for them. I guess now I will have to go find the old photo albums and ensure that this visit doesn't distort my memories too much. In a small way, I think it may have been an opportunity I should have skipped.

I am grateful that there was a peaceful feeling inside the house. It was not a place of pain or tension for me. I have only good memories from that house.

Home really is found within each of us. Walls can contain it temporarily, but they do not possess it. Home moves with us, and there is nowhere to return to because we are already there.

Staying Committed to School Through Tough times.

I am finishing up my second year of study and this has been a big year for me. I increased my work load from 3 classes per term to 4 classes. I'm studying the second level French, which is difficult at times and requires a lot of consistent practice. And to top it off, I decided that I want to change my major from English to Psychology.

I fell into a confused and stressful state for a few months. I spent a lot of time researching my options, and also had to discuss the change with the Trucker. I will require more years of school with a psychology degree. I would be subjecting my family to this limited financial situation that we are in for a longer time. I would be spending more years with homework and classes that interfere with their lives.  I faced a lot of fear, and a lot of guilt.

One of my best friends lost her child in December. It is a devastating loss for all of us, though I could never pretend to imagine her pain, or her husband's. I carry a lot of guilt for not being able to be as supportive as I would like. I focused so much on how I can't help them. I became filled with my own fears about my children. My mind became filled with "What-if's" and I was distracted.  I also had to come to terms with lapses in our friendship. Times I should have spent with the little guy but didn't. All the ways our friendship could have been different. I was also filled with grief, and yet I didn't feel that I had a right to feel the pain from this loss. He wasn't my child. He wasn't around us a whole lot in his 9 years. He wasn't mine, it isn't my loss. I should not grieve this much.

But I was wrong.

I was there. Maybe not enough, but I WAS there. I got to spend part of last summer with him. I was there in the hospital when he was born, I was in that short list of people who got to hold him first. His mother is my unbiological sister. We have been friends since we were 11. He is a part of me. I do have a right to grieve. I have a right to love him. I have a right to hurt.

His parents have never placed judgement or blame on me, never acted as though I wasn't part of the family. Why do I do it to myself?

So I gave in.

I cried horribly when I found out. I was in their house as soon as I found out. I've done my best to be there for them. I held my friend through the funeral services. The worst funeral I have ever attended. I thought that I had processed this loss. At least to some degree.

But I hadn't.

A little more than 3 months passed before I realized how much this little man affected me. I finally stopped my judgments, claimed him as part of me, and truly cried for his loss. I will never be the same person that I was before he was born. And I will never be the same person now that he is gone. I recognize the powerful ways that he inspires me to be a better person. I recognize that some days just seeing his smile will bring me peace. I recognize that my grief doesn't interfere with the pain of his parents. In many ways, it may help them to know that their boy will never be forgotten. That he touched so many people. Even if that does bring pain for them occasionally, it is a blessing.

I gave in.

I cried the hardest for this little boy about 2 weeks ago.

I was stressed beyond my limits. I was falling behind on schoolwork. My grades were coming in lower than I know I am capable of. I couldn't keep up to home. I forgot things for my kids. We were late every day. I was cranky, sarcastic and snippy. Very moody. Very emotional. Very unstable.

We had a few of the kid's friends over. The house was loud. Everything was too bright. My clothes felt too tight. My socks were bothering my feet. The TV was on. Youtube was playing somewhere. I reached my sensory maximum. Half way through dinner, with the TV off and no electronics on, the giggles and conversation reached a peak in my mind. Then the doorbell rang, then the phone, and I completely shut down.

I left the table, locked myself in the bathroom with the lights off. Shut out all sensory input.

I moved slow for a few days. but during this time I started to figure out where my troubles were coming from. This is when I truly let myself grieve. I gave in to the need to face the loss. I found acceptance in myself. I gave in to the guilt of extending my schooling.

And I came out of it with a thankful heart. I am allowed to feel all of my feelings. I am not being completely selfish. I am trying to make a better life for myself and my whole family and I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to find the sunshine and laugh more, as my little friend would have (He laughed so fully and often).

I found that part of my reasons for wanting to change to psychology is to allow me to help others in ways I can't now. To be the person that I needed in my darkest days. To be the person my friends have needed before and certainly need now. I can help someone else to never have to hurt as I have.

It is all connected.

Once I embraced the truth of my own heart and mind, I was able to restore my efforts in school to the levels I had before. I can do this. I will do this. I have all the right reasons behind me. My exam marks immediately jumped back up to where they were because I corrected my study habits. I recovered my equilibrium.

I can feel my pain. I can cry my tears. I can carry that little boy with me everywhere I go. I can be happy. I can treasure my family. I can take all the mess and heartache and tears with me. I can let them out, and I can carry on. I can laugh. I can be thankful.

Life is short, and that is a terrifying concept.

Life is short, and never guaranteed.

Tomorrow is not promised.

So I will do my very best to reach for the stars every single day.

I am grateful for this chance to start over and change my life.

I am grateful for the people who support me, through all my fears and doubts and worries, through all the difficult financial situations we maneuver through.

I am grateful for the people who help me when my to-do lists get too long.

I am grateful that I get to hug my children every day.

I am grateful that I had such an amazing, inspiring boy in my life, though it certainly was not long enough.

I am grateful for today.

I am committed to the direction I have chosen and I will stay this way. I will keep working towards the goals. I can thrive through darkness. I can stay focused.

Stay strong, my friends. It is okay to be scared or have doubts in life. But you must keep moving forward. Always forward.

Every day counts.

People Are Strange and Other Musings

I'm going to start with a list today. There are some weird people in the world. Here's my top five for the week of strange things I've overheard.

 

1. "I don't like my child's daycare. They spend way too much time playing outside and my child's clothes get too dirty."

2. "Why are they wasting time repairing sidewalks? No one actually walks anymore except from their house to their car."

3. "I can't believe the prof only gave us three weeks for this assignment. Don't they know we have other classes too?"

4. "I'm so tired. I had a really stressful weekend. We drove to the mountains for a family vacation and got home late."

5. "I want to get up early on Saturday."

 

1. First, I strongly believe that kids are supposed to get dirty. It's in their natural job description. You shouldn't buy designer clothing for kids, that's really just insanity. Second, who on earth ever says that their kids spend too much time outdoors these days? 

 

2. Just because YOU don't walk, doesn't mean that all people choose not to walk. I've seen a lot of foot traffic in our city and some of our sidewalks are in terrible condition. Even if you don't walk, pretty soon you will have to shovel snow off that mess. Wouldn't it be better if it was even?

 

3. The prof actually gave us a bit more than 3 weeks. We are writing a 5 page paper, not even in essay format, and he has provided most of the background research for us. Why can't that be done in three weeks? Additionally, the basics of the assignment were provided right from the beginning of the term. You should have known this was coming at some point.

 

4. Why do you expect sympathy because you chose to spend a weekend in a hotel in the mountains? If you have that much to do when you get home, don't go away spontaneously. This also came from one of those people who often complains about a lack of money and also about never being able to find time to do homework. They have only two classes this term too. I've got 4 classes, plus 3 kids, and had to take a sudden 13 hour drive, each way, to attend a memorial service. You don't know what stress is, lady.

 

5.This was Macboy, and I understand his logic. In some ways, I wish that I could actually do this too. He plans to wake up early on Saturday because everyone else will sleep late and he can enjoy some quiet time at the beginning of his day. It sounds wonderful really, but it doesn't actually happen often. For someone as anti-mornings as I am, it sounds crazy.

 

Enough about that. I suppose I pay attention too much to the people around me. It is frustrating how negative some people can be. It often makes it hard for me to find my positives. But they are there. The last few weeks have been very busy. My mind is full of negativity and so many things I'd love to rant about but I'm not going to reduce myself to that level. Instead, I will highlight the positives of my personal situation and be proud of the good things that came out of this stressful period.

 

I'm up to date on homework and assignments. Some days it feels like all I do is homework, but I do what I need to do to succeed in a way that suits my own expectations. I want to do well and I will do whatever it takes.

 

My kids are doing well in school too. They are such strong readers. Even the oldest, who has his own set of difficulties is blossoming and succeeding this year. He is becoming a fascinating young man and really coming out of his shell. I am confident that he will not lack the self esteem or knowledge to succeed later in life after all that he has overcome.

 

We brought back Wednesday Without Electronics this week. It was the trucker who suggested it, too. Wednesday was a very fun day here. The kids adjusted without any complaints into a quiet and unplugged evening. The three of them played together almost the entire night. Thursday morning was a breeze because everyone was well rested.  Well, except that someone hid the TV remote so that the others couldn't use it and that led to at least an hour of ripping apart the living room trying to find it again. Oops.

 

I met a whole new bunch of in-laws last weekend. Our families are quite spread out and it is difficult to see everyone. Our trip to the coast was nice though. After being together nearly 20 years it seems strange that we haven't met each others families entirely. There are just too many people to see and not enough time to travel there and see them all. I'm pleased that I still feel like a full part of the Truckers family, even when I'm surrounded by people I've never met. It was like I had always known them.

 

I am getting strong enough now to recognize when I'm reaching my extroversion limits. I require certain amounts of time alone to recover/recharge after extended periods of being around people. Particularly these situations where I must be the extroverted self to visit with family members that I've never met. In addition, there was an exceptional amount of time spent in close proximity to the trucker, in the van for so many, many hours of driving. I love him dearly, and our time was very therapeutic, but it definitely left no room to be alone with my thoughts. Early this week, I was able to identify that I was struggling and stopped it before it progressed beyond control. I told the Trucker what I needed and he helped me find some time to myself. I was able to skate through this time, without a crash.

 

I feel strong and in control. I'm feeling quite accomplished also, even though the only accomplishment was catching back up to regular life. Not long ago, it would have likely taken months to get back to where I am right now after just a bit more than a week.

 

I am positive. I am strong. I am focused. I am determined. I am motivated. I am loved.

 

And I am saying those things as much for myself as I am for any who might read this. Take a moment and tell yourself these same things. It will pick you up a little so you can continue to do all those things you have to do. Repeat it as often as necessary. Change the words as you see fit to cover your own needs. Be your own sunshine. It's worth it.

I Love Tuesday

I do, I really do. I love Friday too because it starts the weekend, of course, but I just really love Tuesday.

Tuesday is a good news kind of day. I seem to find the most positive messages on Tuesday. Maybe it's only because I am happy and notice them more, but who cares.

 

Tuesday is less rushed than most days, Thursday is a later start for me too, but the kids get early dismissals and make the afternoon more rushed and busy.

 

Tuesday starts with a fun radio session they call Dirty Text Tuesday. My drive to school is filled with a conversation of messages that sound dirty but really aren't. They choose a random topic and have listeners text in or post online. Some of the responses are really fun.

 

My Tuesday morning class is awesome. I'm not a fan of Anthropology as a whole, but the professor makes it great. She can take this information that is dry and not even remotely of interest to me personally and make it entertaining. I'm doing well in the course and I know that it is because of how she teaches. There are always many laughs in that class.

 

Tuesday is the day I seem to hit more green lights on my drive.

 

I find a closer parking stall at the university on Tuesday.

 

The kids are in a good mood on Tuesdays. They are not yet exhausted from the week at school and our routines run more smoothly. Monday is like the practice run for Tuesday every week. Monday sucks for all of us.

 

Tuesday doesn't usually bring large amounts of homework. I can manage my week well. Most assignments have been due for either Monday or Friday. Even midterms have been either Monday, Thursday or Friday.

 

Tuesday is not a busy home management day. I usually have laundry and general clean up done over the weekend. By Tuesday, everyone still has clean clothes and the house is not trashed yet.

 

My mail comes in earlier on Tuesday. We currently don't have a specific mail carrier in my neighbourhood, just an assortment of those who can fill this route. Whoever brings it on Tuesday is almost always earlier than the rest.  Not that I need a lot from that comes in the mail, but it's nice to have it dealt with early in the day.

 

Generally, the Trucker doesn't have to work too late on Tuesdays. Of course, now that I've said that it will have to change. His boss is semi-psychic, I think. He knows when I'm getting too comfortable and makes sure to change things up.

 

Tuesday was never my favorite before. I think I depended on the lure of lazy Saturday mornings and the lack of a need for an alarm clock. Honestly, I think the most I've ever even thought about what day it even is, was to point out that Monday sucks and Friday starts the weekend.

 

The best part of Tuesday is that it tends to bring me up in spirits and I can carry that through the week. Even if Monday were to leave me feeling defeated or exhausted, I recover on Tuesday. That's not such a long way to the weekend either. In my teens and even the twenties, I probably chose a preferred day based on some TV show I was addicted to watching, but I don't even have that any more. I really don't watch TV. I watch the rest of the house watch TV, sometimes I am sitting with them, but the TV doesn't really ever capture my attention that closely.

 

I can even book things like doctors appointments or pay a bunch of bills, fill my afternoon with errands, and it still stays awesome. The mornings just set the tone in the right direction and I float through the rest of the day.

Do you have a favorite day? What do you look forward to each week?

My Wish For 2014 - Focus

2013 was an amazing year for me. I can't think of a lot that I might want to change in the new year. I worked hard to maintain balance between my family and my personal commitments. I began actively working on reaching my dreams, instead of just dreaming. I would like to write more, but that is something that suffers only for the benefit of my schooling and my family. I would love to write everyday, but I'd also love to play or read with my kids when I'm not doing my homework.

I worked on improving communication, not just in my marriage but everywhere. I worked on letting go of things that don't matter. I worked on putting more quality into my family time instead of just time.

Most days, I feel like I am living a dream.

Instead of trying to make up some specific resolution, I just need to continue with the big changes I'm already making. I suppose I could resolve to maintain my focus. To pay attention and be proud when I'm getting things right. To pay attention and learn when I'm getting things wrong. I have been on a positive path, and I need to make sure I stay on it.

I've never really been a resolution person anyway. I am definitely the kind of person who will maybe say I want to do something, but it's never really something I want that bad.

Focus is attainable. It is flexible. Just pay attention. Watch the kids play. Play with them. Listen to the little stories. Know what they like and offer options when I need time to work on something else.

Focus on my marriage. I know that I need to pay attention to it. The kids are getting older and I am reminded often that they won't be with me forever. I need the Trucker to know that I want to be with him when they are gone too.

Focus wide, not narrowly.

Focus on what makes my heart feel full. What makes me smile.

Focus on giggles.

Focus on the big picture. Meeting my goals.

I know it won't be hard. Well, no harder than everything else I'm doing. It won't be hard because I already do this every single day. I wake up and want to be MORE. I want to feel MORE. I am not sitting here beating myself up over yesterday if I didn't get it just right. I am reminding myself that everyday is new. I have another chance to try again, try a different angle. Just keep trying.

University is really helping me live one day at a time. While I am working several years on a long project for the benefit of my whole family, I can not look too far beyond today. I can't say how many times I told someone "That's okay, it's only one day." Tomorrow offers a new chance again.

It is far better to make steady, continuous changes to improve my life than it is to make a short lived resolution at new years. Our problems or worries don't magically change on one day, so why try to force a solution on one specific day?

I want to thank those of you who follow my little corner of the world on this blog. I am still simply amazed that anyone read my words in the first place! And that so many actually come back and read again makes my heart happy. I'm glad to share, I have to get things out of my head or I go crazy. I hope that you have found something useful and relevant to your life somewhere along the way.

I thank all of you who have shared my words. Those who join me on my facebook page and those who visit me on Twitter.  Please feel free to share your thoughts anytime with me. That is what the comments area and social media accounts are for! I would love to know more about you. I appreciate that I am not forgotten, even when there might be months between blog posts!

I wish you all the very best in the new year, keep chasing those dreams!

We Laughed, We Cried, We Cheered

The last few weeks have been...wait. I don't know what to call it except "a few weeks." Two weeks ago, we were counting our blessings as we enjoyed games night with some good friends. Relaxing and laughing and playing, so peaceful. We stayed up well past two a.m. and felt wonderful.

 

Until we woke up Sunday and found that our trailer with two quads on it was gone. A kind neighbor mentioned she noticed them missing at 7 a.m., so we have a narrow time slot of 2:30-7 for the stupid asses to hook up and take our things.

 

This is stressful. The idiots who take this stuff don't think about anything. Even friends and family aren't here to help as I teach my kids how to handle such a horrible violation of our space. Years of work building their sense of security shot down in just a few hours. It broke my heart when Art woke up Monday morning and panicked because our truck was gone too. Thankfully, I was able to explain that it was MONDAY and Dad had his truck at work.

 

The nights here have been loud. All of my kids talk more in their sleep when they are upset, so there have been plenty of midnight ramblings. It's hard for the Angel Baby to understand. She keeps asking when Daddy is going to go get the machines and bring them home. My thirteen year old? He's not as emotionally invested in the quads, as he's been losing interest over the last year or so. But he has definitely changed his perspective on trust and faith in humanity.

 

Twenty four hours altered everything in our world.

 

I try to focus on thoughts like "It's only stuff" and "thankfully, no one was hurt." But in reality, this is crap. It's just a big old pile of crap. I don't ride the machines, ever, but this was something that we all went out to do as a family. Even invited more family and friends. We made many, many memories with the quads. This was something that the Trucker did to unwind. He'd need a break away from working and family life, and he'd go out with the guys to ride the trails for a day. This was his escape, stolen in a moment.

 

I have heard every night noise for two weeks. I have heard a million sirens and noticed the police helicopter daily. Two nights ago, I nearly jumped off my bed in the middle of the night because I SWEAR someone coughed right outside my window.

 

My kids are doing better, but I am not. My small sense of security has been shattered. This is my space, and someone just spit in it. I am grateful for insurance, as it makes this less of a financial loss, but insurance can't fix our minds or our hearts.

 

Last weekend, however, was completely different.

 

Out of spite (or grief, or exhaustion) we made absolutely NO plans for the weekend. We wanted to just stay home alone and hide. Until we got a call at 10:30 that our niece was in labor. Poor girl, her friend had taken her to the hospital and then just left her there alone. Her mom couldn't get here to be with her, she no longer lives in the city with us. After a few calls, we figured out where she was and headed out. The Trucker and I met with our other niece at the doors of the hospital and the three of us headed in to support her.

 

The trucker headed home exhausted around 4:30 in the morning to get some sleep and be with my kids when they woke up. I stayed with my two nieces until the sweet little baby girl was born. We make a good team!

 

This baby girl came out crying, perfectly healthy and so very sweet. I got to see every moment. It was very strange being at the other end of the delivery room bed!! Sickly fascinating, you don't want to look but then at the same time you simply can't look away.

 

I felt a lot of emotions that night and it will all come later in a post of it's own. Watching a birth is a life altering event. For me, it was freedom. It was like emerging from the crap of the previous week with a brand new fresh start. Just like that baby girl. For her it was a brand new day, a start to her little life. I can start over too.

 

I made it home around noon on Sunday. The trucker was a great help and let me sleep a few hours in the afternoon. Even brought me dinner in bed!! Definitely a new experience! I rarely have seen breakfast in bed, except for the occasional Mother's Day, so supper was a very sweet gesture.

 

Baby girl and her Mommy have had a clean bill of health, both are doing well and are at home. She is having no troubles with nursing so far and is doing well overall.

 

ME? Not so much. The stress and frustration of the theft, followed by an unexpected all night adventure (no matter how exciting and meaningful for me) has shattered my system. I can not sleep. I can not shut off the world and fall asleep. Last night I was in bed early but still wide awake at 1:30.

 

I do not feel the edges of depression creeping in though and I am extremely grateful for that. I will start Melatonin tonight and hopefully reclaim my sleep cycle and bring my health back to normal. There has been so much to do, so much to take care of on top of the regular parts of living. But I am okay!

 

It's just stuff. It's gone and even the police have said that the likelihood of getting back is super small. And of course, if we do get them back, they are likely horribly damaged. This is a terrible situation, but we have each other. We have love, we have life, we have other stuff. This is far from the end of the world.

 

I know, because I know what 'the end of the world' has felt like. I know darkness and pain. I know tears and anger. And now, I know hope. I know love. I know trust. I know that things are not as bad as they seem and if I ever start to forget...

 

I know that I just have to visit that little baby girl and remember that I have new beginnings everyday. Beautiful, unexpected blessings are just waiting around the corner. I couldn't find the silver lining in the dark cloud that hit us, so the universe made it obvious. There is always a reason things happen in our lives.

 

Follow your heart, even when it is hurting,

and you will end up in magical places.

 

(and ... lock your doors, keep an eye over your yard and your neighbors'', kiss your kids. You never know what will happen in the blink of an eye.)

Have You Ever Been In Need?

I don't mean in need of a pedicure or a hair cut.  I don't mean that you sit at home weekends because you are stretching your paycheque for the next two weeks. I mean really IN NEED.  I've toyed with this post in my head for a while, but after reading Do What You Can Do, I was reminded of the reason to share this message. These are some of the words that should  be shared. Thoughts that many avoid, but we all should face.

----

I've lived in extreme circumstances and feel thoroughly blessed at this time in my life. Yes, I'm in debt. True, I have nothing saved for a rainy day and barely even for an emergency. I don't agree with credit cards and thus don't have the visa safety net either.  However, I have a roof over my head, a good job, assets that I could liquidate if I really had to and a warm comfy bed to sleep in every night.

I have been in rough places. I've slept on air mattresses in the basements of friends or family. I've gotten my weekly groceries from a food bank. I've had to walk or ride a bike to get anywhere because I had no vehicle and even the cost of public transportation was too much.  I've worn layers of sweaters because I broke the zipper in my winter jacket and couldn't afford to replace it. I've 'made do' with the same shoes for many years, shoes I got second hand and wore until they simply fell apart.  I've even lived in the stinky small apartment, furnished with next to nothing, in the seediest part of the city, because the rent was like a quarter of any decent place.

We had help.  We had friends or family who could give us the space in their basement. We always got by. We never had much, but we always found what we needed. I'm truly blessed.

That's why I'm humbled with the efforts of a young boy, who at 12 years old (just a bit older than my Macboy) felt the pull on his heart to reach out and help the homeless in his city.  He enlisted his mom and for 5 years filled and delivered backpacks full of basic necessities to the homeless. He developed sponsors and media friendships and grew his little dream each year.
Jesse can be a role model for my kids.  Now focusing on school work to graduate grade 12 with honors, he had to make the rough decision to let go. Not knowing if anyone would step up and carry on his private passion.

In steps Bubbleup Marketing, a local company searching for a way to give back to it's own community. It was a miracle of timing, Jesse reaching out and Jason searching for just that message in the same moments.  BubbleUP Marketing will continue to spread the hope inspired by this young man through the Bag Of Hope campaign. There are good causes out there, there are good people who just want to help for the sake of helping. Not for gratitude or financial gain, just to share a little bit of hope to others.

I pray that my children will never have to live through dire circumstances, but rest easier knowing that there are still good people and good organizations that can support them and provide the hope they may need to take just one more step.

I believe that NO ONE is ever homeless by CHOICE. Perhaps there is an illness or addiction involved. I have seen my own fair share of struggles and have handled extreme mental illness and serious addictions in my family.  I am eternally grateful to each and every person who has helped those that I love.  But who helps those who have no family?  Who reminds them that there is a reason to hope?  Who can step up and say to them, "There is a way out. It will be hard, but it can happen for you too."?

Inspiring hope, building your own community, restoring faith... that's what organizations like this are for. So much more than a toothbrush or a warm pair of gloves.  Sure there are starving children in Africa, but you know what?  There are children, families, adults in the same position everywhere.  In tough economic times (I'm reluctant to believe that recovery is happening) there are people in need in every city, possibly just down your street.  I would bet that there is an organization in your town, your city, doing something to help it's own citizens.

I urge you to step out of your comfort zone. Step up and show someone you care.  You have no idea how inconceivably small the effort can be for you, compared to the impact it can have on the recipient.  And in due course, it has an impact on your neighborhood, your city, your country.  Teach your children to be giving, by being an example.

Give when you are blessed with extra, in hopes that you never need the favor returned.

I believe it can be a simple short slip in life that could send any one of us into despair.
Never take for granted what you have today.

How Do You Say I Love You?

In case you haven't noticed (hehe) I'm often inspired by The Hands Free Mama. Her writing is almost always a message I need to hear, just at the right time. Well, she's done it again. But what I didn't expect was the response that this little thing would bring.

She wrote about A Sign Of Love, how to share your feelings with your family when you are not there and how this should not be just when you are going away. It is important to tell your loved ones that they are loved.

My boys have a Super Mario fascination. Well, it's pretty darn close to obsession. They have been building a large collection of plush figures with their own money. It's pretty impressive.

A few days ago, Art asked me to repair Luigi's overalls. The strap came unstitched. A few swipes with a needle would have him back to normal.  I was exhausted, I asked him to bring it to me in the morning. Just before bed, Macboy came with the same request.  I asked him to remind me in the morning, as I already knew but just couldn't do it right now.

Macboy, who knows I'm forgetful, wrote it on the fridge. We have a magnetic dry erase board for grocery lists and important messages. He wrote "Fix Luigi" at the bottom of the board.  The next morning, I came upstairs and saw the note. I got the coffee pot running and called Macboy to bring me Luigi, I would fix it first thing so it wouldn't get missed.

He says "Thanks mom, I did it already."  I was so proud I was bursting! I taught him basic sewing quite awhile ago. I believe that is a skill everyone should have. Being able to replace a button or fix a seam is important. More so for short people like me, pants just do not come this short!  A little later he was at his friends house and it struck me how he took the initiative and tried. He may not have been able to get it and could have had help, but he tried anyway. And he did it.

So I changed the note on the fridge to read:

Macboy,
I am very proud of you for fixing Luigi by yourself. I think it's great that you can sew like that. Good Job!
Love Mom

He got home just before dinner and I could see in his face that he'd read the note. No one said anything, it didn't need any further words. We all felt good.

While I was cooking, knowing that he'd seen his note and not wanting leave anyone out, I wrote to Art.

Art
I'm really proud of you for going out of your way to play with your sister today. It was a big help for me. Thanks! Love you!
Mom

It didn't take long for him to be walking around all puffed up. He was pleased with himself as he should be. I even got extra hugs that night at bedtime. It's always nice to be thanked for doing the things we do everyday.

After we had dinner, which turned out great, I headed into the kitchen to start the dishes.  I looked at the note on the fridge, feeling good because I had made my kids feel good.  I never expected to find this:

This may very well be the closest thing to a love letter I've gotten in years. But it was powerful. The Trucker wrote to me. For everyone to see.  I was touched so deeply, especially at a time when I am battling my way out of depression and negativity.

This wasn't the end either.  I took a picture of it, not to share here originally, but to have it close to me when I need to hear those words that aren't said often. Then I washed the board down and wrote "I have the best family EVER!"

I headed to bed that night knowing that there was a lot of love flowing through the house.  I told the Trucker how proud I am of him. He went from having no license when I met him to being a class 1 driver for a living. He's proof that people can change their life path. He never stops amazing me.

When I woke up, there was yet another note. This time from my mom. She passed on the good feeling that she got just from seeing these things. "I'm so lucky to live with my big family. We are all here for each other even when we're not getting along. I love you all"

It all started with one little gesture. A short note, long overdue for all of us.

Make sure you embrace the good moments, no matter how big or small. It will do wonders for everyone. No one should ever have to guess how we feel.

Go. Show someone close to you that you are thinking of them.
I dare you.

Gotta Get Away

What a FABULOUS weekend!  It was relaxed and unplugged. I shut my cellphone off as soon as we hit our campsite and didn't turn it on again until we were heading home. 

We arrived early Friday afternoon and returned home Monday afternoon. We had everything we needed while we were away, so there were no necessary trips to town or anywhere else for that matter.  Everyone pitched in, there was no complaining about the boys helping with their sister, the only arguments about cleaning up dishes were from my sister saying "No, I can do that, you go sit!"  

There was no hum of a laptop fan. There were no extra voices streaming from a TV. There were no text messages, emails, video games.

We were a family. We were outdoors. We worked together and had a blast.  When the weather was a bit yucky, we did allow the kids to play on DSI's which we had brought for the truck ride out and back. For whatever foolish reason you can find, our board game collection was not in the trailer as usual.  We made small concessions, but still tried to limit the video game time as much as we could.

My kids, rode their bikes, played in the playground, got muddy.  They played outside in the rain, and in the sun. We took a short trip down to the lake and played in the water for a while. There were watergun fights. There were games of horse shoes.  Even bike races, with the adults on the kids bikes.

It was just all relaxed.  There was no schedule to follow, just do what we felt like when the mood struck.

I had brought my e-reader so I would have a selection of books, but when the opportunities to read presented itself I didn't want to. I sat and watched the fire, I looked up at stars, and mostly I watched my children play.  I was thoroughly selfish this weekend. I ate up every moment I could. 

I was not an active participant playing with my kids, leading my daughter through the park or showing my kids new tricks. I did somethings, but mostly I just watched. I let their imaginations run their days. I soaked up every second of it.

There was no "Mom, look at me! Mom, come see this! Mom, check this out!" because I was already watching. They felt my attention in ways that I normally can't give them.  By doing LESS, I showed them MORE.  By stepping back from teaching moments, I was able to learn from them.

We will be returning to our Wednesdays Without Electronics. We all clearly need the detox more often.  Not just the kids, but all of us. 

There were plenty of 'learning moments' for me on this trip, even if it was a short trip.  I need to keep my eyes OPEN. I have got to keep up my fight against distraction. No one can live my life for me. I don't want to miss anymore of it.

Wherever This Road Takes Me

Sometimes, I suffer from long bouts of depression.  Sometimes, I fly high and quote Homer. (Simpson, sadly. Not the other one.) Most of the time, I float somewhere around the middle. I don't need or want my life to be perfect, there would be no fun or adventure in that. If you knew things would always work according to plans, the planning would get boring.  However, if you could never plan, life would become a nightmare.

I sit bouncing from one extreme to the other. Often. Just trying to enjoy the ride.

When I started blogging, I had no idea where this would take me. I was super paranoid about what 'google learns about me' and afraid of putting out private thoughts and personal feelings.  There is much about me I will never write here. Save for a few tiny glimpses here and there if they fit another story.  

I never jumped in wanting to build a huge blog and make a million dollars. Man, it took months before I let anyone know I was writing it. And it slowly grows. Each new reader makes me feel a little less crazy, even if they are following me just to watch me go crazy!

I would never say no to money, but it is not my top priority. 

I am a fixer, someone who just always wants to help someone else. I avoid conflict as much as I can, partly because I am often emotional and take things too personally.  When I write here, I forget about you readers... I do want to hold your interest, yes, but if I stress over how you might take it or what you might think, I will lose the joy of the writing process.   

I don't expect to please everyone all of the time. I can't. No one can.  And so far, I have seen a steady increase in traffic. I don't need high numbers. I don't need huge recognition.  I won't turn it away of course... but it's not my primary goal.  I'm not trying to sell something. I have no product or hidden agenda here. 

I write because I need to. Because there are many things in my life that need to be put in words. There are so many things I can't say. When I try to say the words out loud, they don't work. Nothing comes out how I really mean it.  But when I write I can say it all, I can read it over and change it if I need to. I can just close my eyes and let things pour out of me. Sometimes, I read before I post and sometimes I just turn on an editor brain and do the spelling and grammar checks, without actually letting the words sink in.

Now and then, I read something I've written and can't believe it came from me. I know that these thoughts exist, but I don't grasp the message. Getting a good kick in the a** from a friend is important. Getting a kick from your OWN words?  How often does that happen?  

I used to dream about studying psychology. Many parts of my personality are a perfect match for that kind of career. Fear has always kept me from pursuing it. I fear my own mind.  There are a lot of dark things hiding there, things I want to forget completely, but also entirely make up who I am today.  I will never follow that dream. Purposely. 

The first post on Wendy Can't Cook was simple. My cooking fails. Which happen a bit too often (did I tell you I blew my oven element half way through cooking dinner last night?)  Then I realized what a lift I was getting from laughing at myself. Taking myself less seriously. A few minutes, a couple times a week, and I was feeling the stress roll off my shoulders. I was starting to look at life with renewed spirit and wide open eyes.  And this gave me courage to keep going. To keep digging. To keep learning.

I'd love to say that I have some grand message to share with the world... but I don't. I'm just trying to learn it all myself. And if you take something away from my rambling that helps you... COOL.  It validates my reason for sharing.

Making my blog public had nothing to do with building a following or making money. It was just freeing to let these thoughts go. If I wrote here and no one ever saw it, it would essentially still be in my head.

So thank you. 

Thank you for being here. 

For helping me learn and grow and let go.  

And thank you for coming back, 

sharing your thoughts 

and sharing my stories.

I make no promises on where this blog will go. But it is more me than many things in my life.  I will keep writing about it all, wherever this road takes me.

I would love for you to come along for the ride.

One Sided Friendships Sink Eventually

Do you have one of those friends?  You know, the one who expects your phone call. The one who will quickly remind you of all the times they have done something for you?  That one who tells everyone that you never call but in reality they don't even remember your number? 

When do you decide that it's time to let go?  How do you walk away from possibly years of history, laughter and tears that were shared. It's not easy to justifiably walk away, especially if the other person doesn't believe you tried. How do you push your pride out of the way, and walk away? 

Do you worry about the past secrets that were shared coming out?  Do you wonder if all the silly stupid things you have done and forgotten will suddenly be remembered (and shared behind your back)?

Part of my mission to become happier means that I have to examine some of the things that I'm holding on to, and that includes people.  I need to make sure that the main influences in my life are positive ones.  I can honestly say there are not a lot who fall into this dark area of my life.  And those that do exist there, haven't really been "here" for quite some time. I strongly suspect that some will not even notice I have done anything different.

I let go of one friendship a few years back. She had no kids, she didn't understand how I could ever be "that busy."  She had a very negative outlook, from work to men and everything in between. It was hard to talk to her and after a while I was inclined to let the machine get the call. It felt awful.  If I did have an opportunity to squeeze in a word, she may have had a chance to understand what my life was about.

When she told me "where to go" in her frustration one day... I went. 

There is another who seems to believe that I will never understand her. My life and hers are very similar and yet have gone completely different directions. Her new friends and my new friends are nothing alike. She's consistently mad at me, or rude about me. I spent more than enough time trying to figure out what I actually did wrong.

You know what I came up with? Not much.  

A few years back, she told me very bluntly that I am self-destructive. In that moment I was furious! She was supposed to be my support, my sounding-board, why would she say something like that?  Well, because that's what a good friend does. They tell you when you are being stupid. They want you to be better, for you and for them.  I took a hard lesson from that conversation. I learned a lot and changed a lot.  I didn't stay mad over a truth I didn't want to hear, I took it to heart and trusted that she was saying it out of love for our friendship.  This open discussion didn't work both ways for us, as she later rejected a hard truth I told her. She held that truth against me, even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever said out loud in my life.  I'm willing to bet that she completely denies I ever spoke those words.

I think the day she called me self destructive was her version of telling me "where to go." We still talked, but not as often and after a while it slowed even more. Lately, we have not talked at all. I have called, and we can talk like it was just yesterday when we talked last, but I have called less and less over the years. And I can't honestly say the last time she called me. I don't think she has called me for years. But there I was. Sensitive, worrying, over-thinking Wendy. Trying to figure out how to bring her back. 

She needs a good friend now more than ever.

We live two different lives. It hurts to lose such a long standing friendship, but it's time for me to let go. I'm not going to let myself feel guilt for not phoning anymore. I love her to pieces but this is wholly one-sided now and I'm letting go.  

Just because she needs a friend, doesn't mean it has to be me.

Freeing myself from negative relationships will give me room to nurture the good ones. No longer berating myself for hurting someone, even though I don't know when or how or even IF I did; instead, I can focus on gratitude for the good friends in my life.

How can I show my kids how to maintain good friendships when I carry on unhealthy ones myself?  

How do I model self esteem when I allow others to knock me down over and over again for their own personal gain?  

My mom told me the same things I tell my kids, "friends like that are not friends worth having."  Why did I have to wait until 32 to really learn that lesson?

As hard as it may be right now, I am officially freeing myself of the guilt of letting go. I will acknowledge the emails, messages, phone calls that have been put out there and be proud of myself for fighting so long in a losing battle.  In a case like this, I am okay with admitting defeat.  I will tuck away the good memories of years past before bitter feelings take over and wipe away all the fun times that were.

A true friend, a good friend, even an okay friend... will be honest with you. If they are mad, they will tell you why. If they think you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, they will tell you. They will laugh with you, walk with you, talk with you. They will be there to cry with you too. A good friend will not spend countless hours reminding you of past favors, they will simply let it go. They will know that you are there to help if you are ever needed.

If I am trying to stop being so hard on myself, 

I need to stop letting others be hard on me too.

The Versatile Blogger Award

This lovely award was given to me by Amy from Non-Stop Mom. I have to say thank you for the traffic she has now sent my way, and also for passing this on to me.  I will also say that with her big family and doing it on her own.. she is a constant inspiration to me. Thanks Amy!

I'm wayyyyy late in posting this, but being pretty new in this bloggy world, it took me a while to find 15 to pass it on to. ( the chain letter of the bloggy world, right?)


So the rules of the Versatile Blogger Award are:

*Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.

*Tell us seven things about yourself.

*Award fifteen recently discovered new bloggers.


Seven Things About Me?  Crap... I just posted a bunch of random things here. Probably should have saved that post!

1. I'm not a shopper. Well, not in the spend-all-day shopping for clothes for me kind of way. I hate shoe shopping.  I could, however, spend hours in a Staples or a Chapters store.

2. I'm afraid of animals that are bigger than me.  Like horses. They are just too tall (or I'm too short).

3. I have been sailing on a private boat in the Bahamas.  I would love, love, love to do that again.

4. I love puzzles. I even have one of those old 'Schmuzzle Puzzles' where all the pieces are the same shape. But I don't get to do any of them because of the toddler hands in the house. At one time, we had an extra kitchen table set up in another room that always had a puzzle in progress on it.

5.  I'm a huge fan of Monster Jam.  My first real date with the Trucker was a trip to the Monster Jam show. It was AWESOME.  I have not yet been able to see the outdoor show, but it is high on my list of things to do.

6. I am NOT a gardener. I am the one most likely to let the plants die here. My mom went away for a week once and was terrified that she'd come back to dead flowers because I'd forget to water them. It was a big possibility. Lucky for me, it rained almost the whole week.  hahaha

7. I'm a karaoke fan.  I love to go and sing my heart out. Whether anyone else wants to hear me or not.

And now... to pass it on.  15 is a really big number!  But, I will do my best. I know that I have come across many great reads.  And now, in no particular order...

1. Wouldn't be a list of mine if it didn't include this one.... You know I love the Hands Free Mama.
2. And Brittany at Ramblings Of A Diva who encourages me to constantly push my boundaries.  
3. Magpie Collective A fellow adventurer into the tech-free world and a busy mom. I think we share part of our brain sometimes.
4. My Tempered Tantrum One of my regular reads, who also happened to get into Blogger Idol 2011. Wishing her some luck in this competition!
5. Hanging With Dad I find it fascinating to see things through the eyes of the stay at home daddies.
6. Just A Dizzy Dad Another Dad tale. Or maybe just cuz the picture is so darn cute.
7. Our Monkey Life A fun loving and thought provoking single mom.
8. Lessons From The Queen Of Denial A Fellow Canadian I've been following for a little while.
9. Unconditionally You A mama who speaks her mind
10. Snarky In The Suburbs. Middle-aged, uncool and not bringing sexy back.
11. CraftWhack  Always a fun read hiding here.
12. Dishwater Dreams  She'll make you laugh, make you cry, make you think.
13. My Squirrel World  Great thoughts and great recipes too!
14. My Reflection Of Something. A photographers blog.  Great thoughts and photos to reflect on.
15. The Destiny Manifest  Every day is a new adventure for this Mom too.

Well, there you go. Better late than never right?  I just didn't want to 'pick names from a hat' for this, you know?  So I needed to keep reading before I could post. Take some time, check them out, share the love!

WWE - Something A Bit Different

June 15 was not a great success for Turning It Off.  It was not an entire failure, but we could have done better.  I didn't realize the kids were watching TV in their room after school. I wasn't watching the Angel Baby playing her games. I just didn't feel it. But then I was on vacation and didn't feel well, either. Yes, technology is a great babysitter sometimes.  But I tried not to spend much time on the computer, the kids tried not to keep watching show after show and even the trucker didn't really watch anything either.  

We discussed a change to Thursday or Friday.  But after a while, I released everyone from the guilt of using gadgets by reminding them we have just started this adventure, we are bound to make mistakes. You know, life happens. I don't want this to be about being perfect. And I sure don't want it to turn into punishment either. I'm not going to ground my kids (don't tell them this) for blowing off media free day. I'm just trying to provide a better example for them while encouraging them to disconnect too.

In order to keep you in the loop for media free days, I will share something else. I have to share one of my biggest inspirations of late, particularly in having this time OFF and paying attention to my life as it is now.  Hands Free Mama has written so many beautiful posts about living life. She encourages us and ourselves to just live the moments. Not stress for perfection but embrace the little moments. We all have Somedays that are not so great, where we feel like we have messed up or we are just not good enough.  But she reminds us all, by reminding herself and sharing with us along her journey.

So when you finish reading my updates.. (yes, me first....hehehe) Head over there and see if you can make it through a post without tears. Can you read any of her stuff that doesn't hit home in one way or another?  She is not running around telling everyone to turn off gadgets, this is something I have chosen, but she does advocate taking at least 20 minutes everyday to be present with your family.  I always feel so good after reading her writing. I'm sure you will too.

In an effort to be happy, you need to share the happiness. Last night I sent a personal email to Rachel, and told her exactly what I feel when I read her blog. I thanked her for sharing these moments in her life and encouraged her to keep doing what she's doing.  She deserves to know what a great thing she is doing and I wanted to make sure she did!

So, take some time today, whether you read there, or stay here, or don't read anything else at all... 

...take a few minutes to tell someone how special they are to you. 

...take a few minutes to really ask your kids how their day was and LISTEN to the answer. 

...take a few minutes to find pride in yourself for an accomplishment today, no matter how big or small.

...take a few minutes to actually say I love you to your loved ones.

When I think of the great small moments I've been a part of for my family, I can't imagine what life would be like without them.  What I might have missed when I was busy that could not have been replaced. I'm glad to be here. 

Right in the middle of my life.

Back To The Real World

I've spent my entire weekend on my family, I did not take time to write anything.  I did not do laundry, I didn't clean the house.

I have spent my time well.

I've laughed hard the last few days. From the discovery of yet another dose of marker and pencil on Art's walls (pink this time) to playing Wii games with my inlaws. (yes, just the adults playing...) and so, so much more in between. 

I have cried harder than I have in a while too. I delved in to some heavy duty issues that have been long avoided. I tackled some critical hurdles emotionally, physically, and financially. I've noticed some great milestones with my children. And within myself.

I've been aware, attentive, awake to the life that I'm living. I've let go of some things I thought were important and grabbed tight to somethings I had been forgetting.  This, right now, is my life. I don't want to ever wonder where it all went.

I've been unplugged. I've been mostly missing from Facebook, email, etc.  An occasional peek now and then, but not hours with it open.  I've spent time with the phone off (and finally upgraded to the smart phone world.) I've spent time away from home that was not just grocery shopping. 

I played in the rain with my kids.

I battled my cigarette addictions. AGAIN But I'm coming out strong.

I've assessed my schedule. I've reviewed my daily/weekly tasks. I've delegated some more and eliminated a few things. I've also added some specific Busy Mama and Trucker Only time. We've been skipping that a bit too much.

I can not sincerely remember a time that I have physically done so little. Even my mother earlier tonight commented on how I accomplished less this week than I normally would even with working.  And you know what I said?

"I KNOW. Isn't that AWESOME?"

I feel fabulous. I feel strong. 

I feel reconnected to my trucker (I was missing him lately). 

I feel supported. I feel fresh. I feel energized.

I've got my sense of "I CAN" back.

So come on world, let's get moving.  

I can take what you have to throw at me.  

I'm ready. 

Monday Morning, I'm jumping in with both feet and eyes WIDE OPEN.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I am feeling pretty stinkin good right now.  All lazy in my comfy rocker with the computer on my lap. Drinking my (...oops... empty) coffee. Time to refill.

Ahhh....better.

So, anyway, I'm enjoying this break. I decided that the most important thing to do is revitalize ME. Yesterday was the pamper me day.  Which was fantastic as a friend stopped by and gave me the swift kick I needed to get moving.  I have now had a fresh hair cut (first one in likely a year) and dyed it. I can deal with gray hair. I could not/should not deal with the line from the roots and the last dye job.  And my ends were FRIED. Bad.  And I didn't really care.  Well, I cared, but not enough to go do anything about it.

When you've lived your live on the edge of depression, you actually do need someone to come and take you by the hand and pull you off your ass, sometimes.  She knows what she did for me, she's done this for me before and I can't ever thank her enough for the times she was my life-line.  

It was so much more than hair.

I was able to find jeans that I like and that fit properly while I was out on Saturday. So new clothes added to the new 'do, makes my Trucker a pretty happy guy when he gets home from work.  He came home to a smiling wife who DID NOT look like she just fell out of bed.  I wonder if he feels like I don't care about him when I stop caring about me??

Now to attack this house. What a crappy way to spend the rest of my vacation. Cleaning.  But three kids and not much help for a long time, will do that to ya.  Once things are back in order, then...look out...  No more Mrs. Nice Mommy. 

 I'm gonna need a vacation to recover from this vacation. 

It's not a holiday, it's freekin Therapy.

I have been in a pretty big funk lately, (insert apology to those putting up with me here) but I am determined to get out of it.  Orderly home, orderly mind?  Well, it won't fix everything but it will help.  And the donation centers are going to LOVE me by the weekend!

Karma Bites You Back, But Only If You Bite First

I've promised a story of our media free day, and you will get that. Just not today.  Today I must speak out about something much more serious.

Karma

Today, I made a formal apology to the rulers of wi-fi.  And I got my service back.  Go Figure.

It is the way of the world. 

A few examples? 

1. Media free day, I pushed to be unplugged and we got completely disconnected. Talk about 'call waiting!"
2. If you complain about the person in front of you in line at the store, at least one cashier will go on break and you WILL end up waiting longer.
3. Compliment your kids responsible behavior behind their backs and they are sure to do something wrong. I praised their ability to get to school on bikes okay, only to catch them crossing the street half way down the block, without even looking!
4. If you demand all markers be put away indefinitely, the toddler will find a different way to draw (like your makeup). Might as well cover the walls with paper!
5. When you intentionally decide to ignore the socks with holes when you put away your hubby's clothes, you will end up getting holes in your own for the next few days.
6. Pay attention, never agree to something because you are embarrassed to admit that you didn't listen to the question. I've gone to some really bad movies because of that mistake.
7. Keep one huge stuffed animal in your home, even if you hate it.  As soon as you get rid of it, another will find it's way in. Or if you must get rid of it, try to plan for the longest break between birthdays or Christmas.
8. If you procrastinate, you will end up with twice as much to do 'later'.

But I do believe you can beat the bad side of karma.  For example, three times in a row, I found money (like a dollar or two) on the ground on the same day I donated a bunch of stuff to goodwill.  If you praise your children IN FRONT OF THEM, they will praise you too.  If you listen to your kids, they will listen to you. If you want everyone to cheer up, you need to smile first.

I'm determined to give Karma a good name.  Who's with me?

I Hate It When You're Right

I'll be honest.  It's past 1 a.m. here and I'm getting that middle of the night epiphany that you never remember the next day. So tonight I'm gonna write it.

And I'm even going to give the Trucker some credit. Partly because I'm writing this in the middle of the night so he won't see me write it and part since I know he rarely reads this, just the first paragraph if anything....let me ramble a bit longer so he'll have clicked away... love you honey. 

YES! I do have a point tonight.

I've been walking around feeling all crappy and sorry for myself for way too long. (I'm sure you have noticed.) I'm working hard at finding ways to make it better. Everyday.  Just a few days ago things got pretty heated around here and I was in that "Oh Dear God. How'm I EVER gonna get through this night" mode. I came home, slept on the couch and woke up to a fresh start. However, we have not had any time to actually talk out the problems we faced the other night.  We haven't been able to heal or apologize or whatever it is we should be doing.  I've been trying to be nicer and so has he.  Good enough for now.

Tonight, Sunday Night, kids are ready for school and tucked in bed.  I'm sitting on the edge of our bed and he's in it. I've asked if we can talk. He says "Everything's gonna be okay. We'll get through this too."  I'm sure many of you would agree that sometimes that is exactly what we need to hear. But then he also said "I don't like it when you work at night. I miss snuggling with you."

I'm often angry that I don't get enough help. I'm usually complaining about how hard it can be to get things done, especially work, with the little one home all day. In the evenings, I'm trying to improve my schedule, but I do find that I work best (or more efficiently anyway) after everyone is in bed. The house is quiet and free of distractions.  Since I've started this blog (and even more so since this blog has made a jump in traffic recently), and I'm focusing on my personal writing, I am totally distracted. I had a hard time making life and work balance, now I'm trying to make life and work and writing balance.

Maybe it's the subconscious remembering how much he snored as a smoker and I'm delaying my trek to bed because he ALWAYS fell asleep first.  Yeah... no.  I know.  

I've been frustrated because he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem interested.  But really, he feels left in the dust. Maybe a little concerned that I'm getting a growing amount of attention from people he doesn't even KNOW.  

Honey, you did three things right tonight.  And if you never read this, it's okay. I'm telling the world anyway.  I'm putting it in writing for you, willingly.

1) You took my worried mind and reassured it.  "We're gonna be okay." One of the best lines you can ever spit out. Yes. I DO need to HEAR it.  Thank you.

2) You told me that you miss me at night. When I feel like you are just tired of me, you are really just tired  and I'm not listening to your cues.  You want me there, you're not trying to ditch me.

And most importantly.

3) You talked to me. You opened up. Instead of carrying on and pretending everything was okay, or not okay or whatever the hell it usually is... you found something that bothered you, that can be changed and you SPOKE UP. I'm not left guessing what you're thinking. I know there is a lot more to deal with over the years, but it will sure be easier if we can talk things out. It wasn't a fight or an intent to be mean, it was a simple little statement. "I miss You."

And honey... I've needed that.  My biggest complaint has always been that I can't just guess what you are thinking. I can't fix anything if I don't know what the problem is.  If you don't open up and tell me what you feel, I assume you don't feel anything.

I've been sitting here mad at how much I think you ignore me, 

but I have never really acknowledged the ways I've ignored you.

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There is much more to the story than I wish to include (I'm sure you understand). I will not discuss details.

The purpose of this post is simply to remind us all that life is about the little things.  

Like being able to go to bed at the same time.

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