Going Shopping.

I've given up.... (well no, not really.) I'm accepting that I look like a dork  in the drawstring or elastic pants I've been living in. I discussed a shopping day with the Trucker. (discussed with trucker, not shopping with trucker..)

I've found I'm in this vicious cycle right now and I want out.  I'm very proud that I quit smoking, but at the same time I hate it. I hate it when I look in the mirror and see exactly what I did to curb the cravings.  I have no decent clothes that fit. For the longest time I have resisted, buying bigger anything is just not okay.  I don't want to accept that I've gained weight, I want to LOSE it.

But you see, what really happens is this...

I get up in the morning and fall into the closest cleanest comfiest pair of pants I own and get moving.  I tell myself that after I get the kids to school, I will get 'cleaned up.'  But I don't.  I come home from the school and get Angel Baby's breakfast looked after, get some work done, make some more coffee.... then the next thing I know it's almost lunch and I'm still in this ugly outfit.

"It's okay" I say, "I'll exercise after lunch then jump in the shower to get cleaned up."  But I don't. I get lunch done, get kids back to school, tidy a bit, do some dishes maybe, work a bit, then it's 3 and I have kids to get home from school and I still haven't changed.

Get everyone home, maybe some snacks, maybe start dinner. Remind myself to get cleaned up before the trucker gets home. But... I don't.  He gets home and I look like hell and I apologize (or swear at him for complaining... he doesn't know what I do in a day!!!).

Then there is dinner, and dishes, and homework and getting kids ready for bed.  

By the end of the day, I simply feel like crap. I haven't really accomplished ANYTHING. I look horrible.  Like a used tissue. (Literally, Angel Baby loves wiping her nose on my clothing instead).  I'm not a nice person to be around because I feel like a mess. And I'll stay feeling like a mess until I clean my act up.

I can't act the part if I don't look the part.  I'll wash my guilty conscience away in a hot shower before bed and SWEAR that I will do it right tomorrow.

But. I Don't.  

I do look through my closet and hate what I see.  I have beautiful clothing... that I can't wear.  I miss it.  I had confidence, comfort, I had Style.  (sigh.... once upon a time.)

So here's my plan. I am going to buy a few pairs of decent jeans that DO fit. Then I will look better, which will make me feel better. I have more energy when I feel better, so I will DO more. More exercise, cleaning, working. It's a fact.  There was a period of a few months where I wore office clothes (my 'good' clothes) everyday. I washed floors in dress pants. I felt FANTASTIC. And I got everything done, every day.  I didn't have the half done to-do list that never ended.

And of course, if I DO more, I will lose more.  In order to pick myself back up so I can lose the weight, I need to buy the 'fat clothes' I've been avoiding.  Make sense?  Well, even if I don't lose the extra pounds, I will look better, and maybe not FEEL so overweight.  It made sense to the Trucker.  I think he's tired of this frumpy wife he's got.  I better morph back into the hot & sexy one he married. And additionally, it just might help destroy these last clingy cravings.  I can't avoid the thought that NOT smoking led to all of this.

Wish me luck!

Do you have a regular "uniform" at home?  What do you wear everyday?  Are you happy with it?