Sometimes, I suffer from long bouts of depression. Sometimes, I fly high and quote Homer. (Simpson, sadly. Not the other one.) Most of the time, I float somewhere around the middle. I don't need or want my life to be perfect, there would be no fun or adventure in that. If you knew things would always work according to plans, the planning would get boring. However, if you could never plan, life would become a nightmare.
I sit bouncing from one extreme to the other. Often. Just trying to enjoy the ride.
When I started blogging, I had no idea where this would take me. I was super paranoid about what 'google learns about me' and afraid of putting out private thoughts and personal feelings. There is much about me I will never write here. Save for a few tiny glimpses here and there if they fit another story.
I never jumped in wanting to build a huge blog and make a million dollars. Man, it took months before I let anyone know I was writing it. And it slowly grows. Each new reader makes me feel a little less crazy, even if they are following me just to watch me go crazy!
I would never say no to money, but it is not my top priority.
I am a fixer, someone who just always wants to help someone else. I avoid conflict as much as I can, partly because I am often emotional and take things too personally. When I write here, I forget about you readers... I do want to hold your interest, yes, but if I stress over how you might take it or what you might think, I will lose the joy of the writing process.
I don't expect to please everyone all of the time. I can't. No one can. And so far, I have seen a steady increase in traffic. I don't need high numbers. I don't need huge recognition. I won't turn it away of course... but it's not my primary goal. I'm not trying to sell something. I have no product or hidden agenda here.
I write because I need to. Because there are many things in my life that need to be put in words. There are so many things I can't say. When I try to say the words out loud, they don't work. Nothing comes out how I really mean it. But when I write I can say it all, I can read it over and change it if I need to. I can just close my eyes and let things pour out of me. Sometimes, I read before I post and sometimes I just turn on an editor brain and do the spelling and grammar checks, without actually letting the words sink in.
Now and then, I read something I've written and can't believe it came from me. I know that these thoughts exist, but I don't grasp the message. Getting a good kick in the a** from a friend is important. Getting a kick from your OWN words? How often does that happen?
I used to dream about studying psychology. Many parts of my personality are a perfect match for that kind of career. Fear has always kept me from pursuing it. I fear my own mind. There are a lot of dark things hiding there, things I want to forget completely, but also entirely make up who I am today. I will never follow that dream. Purposely.
The first post on Wendy Can't Cook was simple. My cooking fails. Which happen a bit too often (did I tell you I blew my oven element half way through cooking dinner last night?) Then I realized what a lift I was getting from laughing at myself. Taking myself less seriously. A few minutes, a couple times a week, and I was feeling the stress roll off my shoulders. I was starting to look at life with renewed spirit and wide open eyes. And this gave me courage to keep going. To keep digging. To keep learning.
I'd love to say that I have some grand message to share with the world... but I don't. I'm just trying to learn it all myself. And if you take something away from my rambling that helps you... COOL. It validates my reason for sharing.
Making my blog public had nothing to do with building a following or making money. It was just freeing to let these thoughts go. If I wrote here and no one ever saw it, it would essentially still be in my head.
So thank you.
Thank you for being here.
For helping me learn and grow and let go.
And thank you for coming back,
sharing your thoughts
and sharing my stories.I make no promises on where this blog will go. But it is more me than many things in my life. I will keep writing about it all, wherever this road takes me.
I would love for you to come along for the ride.