I know what happened, I know why I caved in. Stress and frustration got the better of me. I lost my strength in all areas of life. But I'm back in control. Back on track. Ready to fight.
I don't smoke in my house. I can last HOURS without even thinking about it. But once the thought (craving) pops up, I just can't get rid of it. I feel the muscles in my shoulders and neck tighten. My mouth goes painfully dry. My thoughts start racing. I just can't slow down until I take the time to go have a cigarette.
And then... in rolls the guilt. The slamming-into-a-brick-wall GUILT. It doesn't develop slowly, it just HITS. With no remorse. And every single drag of that cigarette is more. Like having some cartoon character standing in front of me with a white glove, slapping my face, every single time I suck the crap into my lungs.
Why the guilt? Why do I get this way? Simple. I deserve a lot of it. That ten bucks I just wasted on cigarettes? Could have treated the kids to slurpees or bought groceries. I go through 2 or more packs every week (this is good, it used to be more) so that's 20+ wasted dollars each week. Second week of summer, let's say I've burned up (literally) 50 bucks since school let out. 50 bucks! Do you know how much I could buy with that? Tons!!! Do you know how easy it is to entertain my kids with just a few dollars? I know there are thousands of free ways to do fun stuff around the city, but when you HAVE to do only free stuff because you burnt your 'fun money' it just isn't as fun.
The Trucker's loud horrible morning cough is back.
And OH DEAR LORD, he's SNORING again.
My kids are losing their mommy. I am not fun when I'm mid-nic-fit. I'm back to saying things like "just give me 5 minutes" or "can you please play over there, I'm smoking here and don't want you to breathe this."
Each and every drag is a slap with another part of this train of thought. And yet, standing there, outside rain or shine, shivering or dripping wet, I can't just put it down. I can't break free.
And everytime, I wake up the next day with a scratchy throat, dry mouth and a horrendous ashtray taste in my mouth.
What is it about nicotine that distorts your brain enough to DO IT AGAIN??
I keep trying though. I will keep pushing until I beat this addiction DOWN. I will wait as long as I possibly can between cigarettes. I will tell myself, "okay, I feel like a smoke now, I'm going to do _____ and then I can go." This usually delays my smoking by at least a half an hour. Sometimes more.
I keep my Nicorette stash ready and I'm trying to, at the very least, alternate to reduce the number of cigarettes that I'm consuming. I am bigger than this. I can do this. I NEED to do this. I was soooo happy smoke-free. Yeah, we still wasted an equivalent amount of money, but we were having fun. Money doesn't buy happiness, but having no money CERTAINLY steals happiness.
Now, it's not a matter of financial stress, it's the issue of feeling stupid for spending our money this way.
Time to shift gears here....
|The buck stops here. Change your attitude!!|
Okay, Miss Wendy, Get your act together. Stop beating yourself up and JUST DO IT. It wasn't freaking easy when you did it last time, but YOU DID IT. You ARE strong enough. You have the tools to help if you need them. Next time you go into the store to buy cigarettes, buy a treat for the kids and GO HOME. When you feel like you need to light up, call someone, go for a walk, sit down and play with your kids.
Don't fall for the "I can just get back to work in 5 minutes, so I'll go quick. Playing with the kids means I'm out for more than 5 minutes." It's not true and you know it. Even if you only smoke 5 today, that is a half and hour of your day. You CAN stop and play for a half an hour.
Take charge. Take control. You are a born control-freak. (Ask the Trucker!!) So why, why, WHY, are you letting this addiction control you?
Remember, Wendy, you have done this before.
You can do this again. And as you tell your very own kids DAILY,
You have only failed if you quit trying!