Two Birds With One Stone? No.

Wrong.  Lately here it's two stones for one bird.  Stones being dinner and Birds being my family. What can I say... my family is comfortable with the food they eat. And ultimately, I know that they eat pretty well. There's room for improvement, but I'm not about to make drastic changes to their diet just to accommodate what I want. Interestingly enough, the less I bug them to try the things I'm eating the more they want to try it.

I guess I trained them well when I didn't want to share my chocolate stash. Now they think if I don't offer, it must be really good.  It's kind of a pain, I've been working on learning how to cook the meals we love all this time, and know that I can comfortably cook just about everything they all like, I'm changing it again.  

I've always enjoyed whole grain bread.  I don't know why I didn't choose to buy it before. It lasts longer because I'm pretty much the only one who eats it. I also don't know why I didn't really think about the fact that the cream cheese I love could possibly be sold in a low fat version. DUH.  

Spaghetti squash is not only good for you, and a good pasta replacement... but it's actually pretty fun to cook.  Like Halloween pumpkins, but without the sticky part. Just plain fun.  The kids didn't want to try eating it, but they definitely got into shredding it up.

I've also learned that there is an unexplainable trend in my food tracking.  The more I write down what I eat, the better I want to eat. Admitting to myself that I just scarfed down two donuts in the Timmies parking lot is not a big deal, but writing down (or logging on sparkpeople) means facing the food. Owning my choices. Sometimes, it is easier to just avoid the junk food or take out than it is to admit to myself that I stuffed that crap in my mouth.

I'm trying to eat better. Eating only the vegetables and not the great desserts can get a bit monotonous. I can't eat the same things over and over. Because I really didn't care much before, I didn't try to push the envelope too far. I would make a new dish and it would instantly get the pass or fail from the family. Many of the meals I LOVED were not a big hit with the kids and the trucker.  It really is easier for me to make two dinners right now.  I'm a different person. I know that forcing the kids to eat different things is really just a crap-shoot anyway.  Most of the things I hated growing up are things I cook for myself now. And it's really not about what mom did right, it's simply that my tastes have changed. Many of the things I loved growing up, I just can't tolerate anymore.  

If the family was living on fast food, I'd put my foot down. But they aren't. They just have a smaller selection of things they like. I would rather they eat their whole healthy dinner than have them pick at something they don't enjoy and not eat enough of the right foods.  Right?

What about you?  Do you think I'm crazy?  Would you make two meals? Have you ever been in this position?

Hey, Check It Out! I'm On A Roll

I'm really quite pleased with myself. I saw my weight creeping higher and higher and I got mad. I was angry with myself and angry with life and well, I was sick too. I was too depressed to see that there was anything that I could actually do to fight it. In my distorted mind, I think I believed I was already trying hard enough.

But I reached the 9 of this group of 10 pounds and refused to roll into the next set of 10.  You know, it's like money that way, 39.99 is better than 40. 129 is better than 130 and hitting 130 would mean that 139 was a quick slip.

Not that I am devastated by weighing 129... I could only wish that!  I will not divulge the weight I am now on here. Perhaps when I reach my goal and share how much I've lost, you can do the math and figure it out. But right now... no deal.

Anyway....

I started to walk a little more.  I started to eat a little better. I stopped allowing the trucker to bring home his munchies. He was helpful, but that could be due to not having to share anymore. No chips in the house. I stopped buying the candies and crap that I would munch on while working at night.  Then at the end of August, I signed up at a local gym. I've been going a minimum of three times a week since I signed up in addition to the changes I've been making at home. 

Believe it or not, I've been able to cut down the coffee I drink because I don't feel dead tired all day. I've replaced it with water (that I wasn't drinking enough of before).

I also started tracking my choices and efforts on Spark People. I'm not a big full active member there, but it gives me a good way to track my food and fitness and it has a good app for my phone so it is working well. I'm not planning my meals or anything like that, but I am paying attention and that is a huge part of it. I might change my decisions for dinner if I've blown my limits at lunch, you know? 

MORE TO THE POINT....

I'm happy and proud to say that since that day I got mad, I'm back down 7 pounds. I'm already feeling better and starting to fit my clothes a bit better.  I'm getting more done with my day too, which is odd because I'm spending more time out of the house without kids in tow... I feel good. The trucker is behind me 110% and he's been really helpful with getting time to go since Angel Baby hates the daycare facility there still. I'm working on that.

Wish me luck, I've got to repeat that 7 a few times (at least). But I know I can do this, and I know there are a lot of people out there who will cheer me on.  Hey, maybe, I'll feel stronger and be able to quit this smoking habit again too....

If you are a Spark People member, give me a quick shout and maybe we can link up there too. iamabusymama (at) gmail (dot) com

Insert Vegetables Here

I need a sign, point it at my mouth. And the kids too.  I don't eat enough of those greens and I know it.  I'm trying to be more commited to my food choices and perhaps - No... definitely - exercise more. I've had it with this extra weight.  I found a like minded community of mommies and friends who all have the same goals in mind. I am hopeful that this extra support will help me stay accountable and get back into the nice clothes I own!

I've been pretty much lost all summer. I dread school days and structure just as much as my kids do. It's partly a control issue as the school days and hours are beyond my control. But it's largely a lack of will power to stick to any real routines during the summer. I'm up til three am one day, then in bed at 9 the next. I have been working on shifting the kids bedtimes back to normal so the first days of school won't be so hard. But man, it's summer. And where I live, Summer doesn't last very long at all.  

I can make some really awesome plans. I had great dreams of how my summer would go. The kids sleep late, so I could get myself up at the regular time and get most of my work done before they woke up.  But because I am constantly running behind, I stay up too late. Then when I do go to bed early it's because the kids have actually gone to sleep earlier. Which means they wake up earlier. UGH... Just can't win.

To be honest, I am not a morning person. There is just no way around it.  I can think about whatever I want before bed, but there is just nothing that will get me moving. My half brain in the morning convinces me quite well that I have just 5 more minutes.

On the bright side, I may be swimming in a sea of laundry, but I have kept the main floor of the house clean all week. I've had my dishes done every night. I've been cracking the kids up with my crazy "mom" dancing while I'm cleaning up. I need to get the extra exercise into my days somehow!  Angel Baby rocks out with me, but the boys think I've lost my marbles.

I've made some new connections with some other INFJ personalities lately. It's funny how we think the SAME things, the SAME ways. Almost creepy! Anything I've read that these people have written could have come from my own mouth.  I've always known I was kind of unique, I didn't know that I really was that different!  INFJ's are the most rare of all personality types. It's a blessing and a curse sometimes, so I can't say if I'm happy about this or not.  Reading a report from a personality quiz was one thing, starting to find like-minded individuals really drives it home. And the best part is that I wasn't looking for these people. I just had the opportunities open up, because I am opening up.  I love this, and I'm happy they found me!

Hmmm... guess there really wasn't much of a topic today. No one thing consuming my thoughts that I had to just spill. But that will come. Life will settle sooner or later.  Whoever convinced me to work on potty training, while working at home, with all kids out of school, and mom on a super clean house rampage... among many other things, needs a swift kick. NOW. Oh, wait, this was all my own doing wasn't it?

Going Shopping.

I've given up.... (well no, not really.) I'm accepting that I look like a dork  in the drawstring or elastic pants I've been living in. I discussed a shopping day with the Trucker. (discussed with trucker, not shopping with trucker..)

I've found I'm in this vicious cycle right now and I want out.  I'm very proud that I quit smoking, but at the same time I hate it. I hate it when I look in the mirror and see exactly what I did to curb the cravings.  I have no decent clothes that fit. For the longest time I have resisted, buying bigger anything is just not okay.  I don't want to accept that I've gained weight, I want to LOSE it.

But you see, what really happens is this...

I get up in the morning and fall into the closest cleanest comfiest pair of pants I own and get moving.  I tell myself that after I get the kids to school, I will get 'cleaned up.'  But I don't.  I come home from the school and get Angel Baby's breakfast looked after, get some work done, make some more coffee.... then the next thing I know it's almost lunch and I'm still in this ugly outfit.

"It's okay" I say, "I'll exercise after lunch then jump in the shower to get cleaned up."  But I don't. I get lunch done, get kids back to school, tidy a bit, do some dishes maybe, work a bit, then it's 3 and I have kids to get home from school and I still haven't changed.

Get everyone home, maybe some snacks, maybe start dinner. Remind myself to get cleaned up before the trucker gets home. But... I don't.  He gets home and I look like hell and I apologize (or swear at him for complaining... he doesn't know what I do in a day!!!).

Then there is dinner, and dishes, and homework and getting kids ready for bed.  

By the end of the day, I simply feel like crap. I haven't really accomplished ANYTHING. I look horrible.  Like a used tissue. (Literally, Angel Baby loves wiping her nose on my clothing instead).  I'm not a nice person to be around because I feel like a mess. And I'll stay feeling like a mess until I clean my act up.

I can't act the part if I don't look the part.  I'll wash my guilty conscience away in a hot shower before bed and SWEAR that I will do it right tomorrow.

But. I Don't.  

I do look through my closet and hate what I see.  I have beautiful clothing... that I can't wear.  I miss it.  I had confidence, comfort, I had Style.  (sigh.... once upon a time.)

So here's my plan. I am going to buy a few pairs of decent jeans that DO fit. Then I will look better, which will make me feel better. I have more energy when I feel better, so I will DO more. More exercise, cleaning, working. It's a fact.  There was a period of a few months where I wore office clothes (my 'good' clothes) everyday. I washed floors in dress pants. I felt FANTASTIC. And I got everything done, every day.  I didn't have the half done to-do list that never ended.

And of course, if I DO more, I will lose more.  In order to pick myself back up so I can lose the weight, I need to buy the 'fat clothes' I've been avoiding.  Make sense?  Well, even if I don't lose the extra pounds, I will look better, and maybe not FEEL so overweight.  It made sense to the Trucker.  I think he's tired of this frumpy wife he's got.  I better morph back into the hot & sexy one he married. And additionally, it just might help destroy these last clingy cravings.  I can't avoid the thought that NOT smoking led to all of this.

Wish me luck!

Do you have a regular "uniform" at home?  What do you wear everyday?  Are you happy with it?

Wendy Can't Cook, But I Sure Can Eat!!

There IS a down side to quitting smoking.  The weight gain!!! Now, it's not the act of not smoking that makes you pile on extra pounds, it's the random snacking you do when you are not paying attention.  When you normally would have spent that twenty minutes bundling up to go freeze outside, you may be nibbling on chips or candies, or whatever else may be handy.

If you remember, not so long ago, it was mentioned that I can't cook but I CAN bake.  Turns out that baking is a bit of a problem.

I have to have a little cookie dough when it's ready.

I have to try a cookie when they are fresh out of the oven.

I have to have a cookie the next morning with my coffee.

I have to have something!

I gave myself grace as the benefits of not smoking were plentiful.  I didn't worry about what I was eating or when.  I gave no consideration to grabbing a donut for myself and the kids when I stopped at Timmies for my coffee.  It was just one donut.  Really.  Or the cake for celebrating small things. And the leftover cake the next day.  They were just (not) tiny pieces....

But now it has been just about 4 months. (WOW, four months!!) It has got to stop!  I am not one to load my coffee with sugar, there are no 'hidden fats' that are tacking on to my backside... they are all obvious.  And I just seem to gravitate towards them.

Part of it is simply convenience.  Prepared snacks are easier than cutting up veggies...  But even easier than that.... is NOT EATING those snacks!!

I'm working on it now.  I will not cut these things out completely, but maybe I can limit it to weekends.  I am not one to give up all at once.  With smoking, I leaned on the nicorette, for this I will start slow.  Add exercise and reduce but not cut out everything.  I will also try to work on drinking more water and actually eating proper meals. I tend to graze all day then eat a big dinner.

It is also kind of sad that the addicted part of my brain is arguing that it is not worth it.  I NEVER had to worry about my weight before. Smoking does affect your metabolism and I started smoking when I was very young.  I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Only once did I have 'diet' and that was after a baby and before my wedding. And if I'd had a bigger budget, I could have bought a new dress fitted to me, instead of getting ME fitted to the DRESS.  I've never been "skinny" but I've never been terribly over either.

Yes, I am still certainly very much a nicotine addict.  I'm sure I will this way be for a very long time. It seems unfair that this has to come out of it.  I know I can lose the weight, I just have to make a few changes.  But when I see those ooey gooey cinnamon rolls in the bakery or the kids ask me to make cookies... it can be really hard.  Like someone with an eating disorder, one who will think about a binge and purge, I will stand there and think 

"If I just started smoking again, I could go back to eating whatever I want..."

Quitting stuff is not very gratifying... but then I'm not completely sure if this is the addiction talking or the "I don't want to exercise" side of me talking.  And of course, there is the depression that likes to come and go... it could be that talking too....

There seem to be only two VISIBLE signs of quitting smoking.  

More money, and more waistline.

(Hmmmm.... money isn't everything.....)

So, Wendy needs to start cooking healthy, stop snacking so much and get moving!  

Let's go!