Ups and downs and Expectations

Last week was so full of tears and stress. I think I hit my lowest point so far this year. But I struggled through it and was well rewarded this week. Getting my marks back for the last of my midterms reminded me that this is worth fighting for!

I will never be able to do ALL of the things I want to be doing, but I'm getting there. 

Today I had tears again but they were more from a sense of accomplishment and pride. 

It's hard, so hard, so heartbreaking sometimes.  I have to  fulfill some roles whether I want to or not. Like cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Somehow I have to get these things done. I have help at home. But it's not always helpful... It just doesn't balance out.

I'm forced to choose all the time. And the choices are more difficult than any I've faced in my life. I may have made some similar decisions in the past, when I was working. Torn between kindergarten field trips and work, for example.

But this feels different. For one, I made the choice to go back to school. This is totally voluntary! And second, not only am I not bringing income in for my hours of work, I am actually driving us deeper in debt. The results of these two factors can torture me some days and it is very hard to focus on the big picture.

The choices I have now are based on making the most of my time in school. I don't want to simply pass my courses, I want to do it well. I have to study hard and do hours of work to master the topics I study. 

But I also still need to make sure the kids are okay. Deal with school, maintain self esteem, determine weaknesses and build strengths. Even more than that, though, I need to be present. I need to be an active part of my family. I need to listen to the rest of the family. I need to snuggle and hug and PLAY. I don't want to divide the family but I still have to do my schoolwork!

Fridays are sometimes hard, I want to be with the Trucker while he is at his Friday night job. But I want to be with the kids. But I want to study. Friday tends to be family focused until eight or so.  Once the Angel goes to bed, the Trucker is off to work and the boys are settled, I get the most focused and quiet study time of the whole week. I want to be somewhere else during that time but I monopolize on the quality of the time for me instead.

This weekend, I had to choose between a family movie night or studying. That is a heart wrenching position to be in. The movie wasn't anything special, but the time is. The kids won't all stay sitting and relax if we are not all doing the same thing. If Mom doesn't watch the movie and I would rather do something else, I can go do it. So more than just removing myself from the moment, I risk that moment for all of them. If only 2 or 3 sit down, it is no longer family movie night. 

I did choose the movie. But I folded laundry while I was watching it. I get spread too thin, quite easily. 

The last two weeks have been full of midterms. I got back my last grade today. I tanked on one of the exams but I can see why when I look at the big picture. All of my marks have been 80 or higher, except that one. I earned a wimpy 68%. Being me, and therefore super-perfectionist-overachiever, I was devastated by this. I cried and stewed and got really unpleasant for a few days. Even though I know the rational side of everything and how to fix it, I was emotionally broken. I figured I'd made the single greatest mistake ever. I'm giving up so much of what I want to be doing right now and then it doesn't even show in my grade?

I shifted. I analyzed everything to pieces. I changed my strategy and hit the last midterm with a totally different approach and came out with 102%. And I cried again.

I cried because I can do this. I cried because even when it's hard, I am managing okay. My kids still know I'm here for them, I can still have time for my marriage. I can still study and attend classes. I'm not doing as much of all the things I want to be doing, but I can still do a little of all of it. And in a few more weeks I will get a break.

There is nothing about this that is easy, but I'm getting there!

Balancing School And Motherhood

This week has been a big week for our house. With Angel starting kindergarten, I discovered a difficult truth. I no longer have the sole influence on any of my children. It's certainly not a bad thing, consider the line "It takes a village to raise a child." I have carefully chosen my 'team' to help raise my kids. Now, I have to put my faith into our collective efforts for yet another life.

There are no longer any morning snuggles with Angel after the boys go to school. My mornings are now rushed and busy. Three different schools to get to (on time) every morning. Waking up four of us and making sure we are all ready for the day is not always going to go smoothly.

The transition has been hardest on my Angel. Grandma has always been home in the mornings, so Angel generally woke up just after I took the boys to school. Now, she is up at the same time and leaves when the boys do. She has been the only child of mine who had the luxury of having Mommy home all day, everyday, since she was born. With my work from home job, I was rarely away from her except for occasional meetings.

Now, not only is Mommy leaving, but I am leaving her in an unfamiliar place. The first day of Kindergarten was terribly hard. She cried the WHOLE morning. The second day, she had a few moments without tears. I stayed in close contact with the teacher and we worked together to smooth her transition as much as possible. Monday was hard. Tuesday she said she didn't want to go to school anymore. Wednesday, I left her crying in the classroom again, but this time she was full of smiles when I picked her up.

Wednesday night was Meet The Teacher night. I knew that the importance of this night was not really about meeting the teacher, but giving Angel an opportunity to share her classroom with the rest of the family. Particularly Daddy. After she had shown everyone the things she likes about kindergarten and had the reassurance from all of us, she felt more comfortable in the classroom. (The Trucker often underestimates his influence on the children.)

Thursday she said she had a good morning, but she didn't want to talk about it. I didn't push. I do not want to overwhelm her with questions or make her think that I am worried about what she is doing while I am away. Friday was even better, though she still doesn't want to talk about it much. She now says she likes school and is looking forward to seeing her friends again next week.

My first full week of University was challenging. Yes, I had homework. Textbooks to read, terms and definitions to memorize. I knew this was going to be difficult. I was prepared for a week of figuring out my schedule, my adjusted daily routines. I've made a few steps in the right direction this week. But I ended up with a bigger priority.

I felt like I was drowning at a few points. The Trucker has injured his shoulder and is suffering low back pain again, so he's not really much more help than just another body in the house. I've scrambled to get dinners cooked and lunches made. I've stayed up past midnight to do homework because I just didn't have time in the daylight. I've left dishes on the counter and fell behind on laundry. I am grateful for my mother right now, she is picking up my slack with housework. She's not even complaining. In fact, she has mentioned how it's almost boring having no one in the house with her in the mornings! (Yay for me)

I'm exhausted and mentally drained.

But, I know with every ounce of my soul that I got things right this week. My number one priority was helping the kids adjust. School transition may be easier for the boys than for Angel, but it is still Transition. Art has new orthotics and also a new expectation to carry his Epi-pen on his body this year. He's had a lot of changes to remember and he is doing well. Macboy moved to grade eight and we had several issues with his class schedule this week. It is still not completely sorted out.

Angel had it the hardest by far. She has rarely been away from me at all. And when she has been away, it's almost always been that she stays home and I go out. I spent my week focused on her more than anything else. I played cars and built ramps. I made crafts and colored pictures. I played with Playdough for hours. It's paying off. It's showing her that even though we all have to change our mornings now, that is all that is changing. Home is still home. Mommy is still Mommy. We can and will always have time to play. I won't stop reading her stories even if the teacher is reading stories at school. I won't even stop when she learns how to read by herself.

I reinforced her sense of security. (I have had to do a lot of that with all three kids this summer.) I showed her that I will be waiting right outside her classroom door every day and that she can count on me. I will not leave her at school. I am not giving her away. I am COMING BACK. Every day.

I know that starting University is a big deal. I know that focusing on my homework and studying is important. I will not say that I avoided that in any way. It remained a priority, of course. But it was not the most important thing I did this week.

I've worked on my schedule and made a weekly planner for the fridge so I can keep track of four of us in school. Lots of things have needed to change and will continue to change. It's been a long challenging week. I expected it to be hard. Some days are actually easier than I expect while others are painful.

Being thirty five and starting University with three kids is complicated.  I have to think creatively. I have to stay motivated. I have to constantly review and assess my priorities. They change every day. I have to sit through a lecture, while thinking constantly about leaving my poor little girl in hysterics at school. YOU try to focus in that situation!!

This is only the beginning, I have a lot of time to get the daily routine nailed down. I can find a babysitter when I need it. I can leave the Trucker with the kids and go study away from my house. I can make this work.

It will be so much easier to manage going forward because I spent the time to show my children that everything is going to be okay and our lives don't really have to change that much. Every minute that I spend showing my kids that I am STILL here for them, every extra hug and snuggle, every moment of one on one time to ease their minds will come back to me. Each second lays groundwork for easier studying time in the weeks to come. The kids know what to expect and what will be expected of them.

I had many moments this week where I thought I wasn't going to make it. I thought I'd made a horrible selfish mistake. I thought I could never do what I needed to do. But I can, I have and I will. I have chosen to go back to school for my own reasons. Yes, purely selfish. It's got nothing to do with money or because I want to support my children better. I've had pretty decent wages in my past. I just want to spend my time doing things that I love. And that is definitely the message I want to send my kids.

I am not doing this at their expense, even if I am doing this only for me. I am showing them that the only person in the world who really knows what each of them wants to do with their life is themselves. I want them to learn this early. So they don't have to start over at 35.

My work, focus, effort this week has not been without reward. We are all learning and growing. No degree in the world can ever change the fact that I am a Mom. I will fight to remain the Mommy I have been. We will not just survive this time in our lives, we will thrive. Because I have learned that being the Mommy they need, the Mommy I always wanted to be, is the most important thing I can do every single day.

And So It Begins, School Days For All

Last week, school started for the kids and I.  Tuesday and Wednesday were a trial run for the mornings, learning how to get my boys and I out the door on time. These days were an opportunity for me to really get an idea of how long my commute will be dropping the kids off at two schools and getting myself to class on time.

Thursday was Angel's first day. Thankfully my Thursday class starts a bit later, as it was a difficult start to the day. There were a lot of tears, hers at the school and a few of my own as I drove to my class. I sat through my Sociology class and tried hard to stay focused. I'm also grateful that the beginning of the year is not too intense. Yet.  I arrived at the Kindergarten classroom a few minutes early to be sure I was in the right place (Angel gave me specific instructions) when she came out of class.

My little girl was so red faced and puffy, it broke my heart. The teacher informed me that the crying did not stop, it would ease up now and then, but essentially, she cried the WHOLE MORNING. That is not what a mommy wants to hear, ever.

Chatting with the Angel afterwards, she said she had fun. She told me all about what they did in class and she seemed pretty happy with it. She also said she was happy to go back again Friday.

Friday morning was the same as Thursday. Lots of tears and clingy hugs. I hated to let her go. But I gave her my biggest hugs and lots of kisses and reminded her that I would be back, waiting right where she told me to wait at 11:30. And I ran out the door as soon as I had said goodbye.

I was late for my Psyc class and even more distracted than the day before, since I knew how hard Thursday had been. I prayed my way through my English class, willing the minutes to move faster so I could go and check on my little one. Friday, she came out of the classroom with a smile. She still had cried quite a lot, but eventually she found something she liked to do and that occupied her until the day was over.

I'm spending as much time as I can trying to reinforce the sense of security in her. Seems like I've been reassuring my children all summer. I want to show her that home will not change just because she leaves in the morning now. I am reminding her that I will still read with her, even if her teacher reads to her that day. I will still play with her even if she finds new friends at school. Home is still HERS.

Art has been amazing. He has really stepped up as a big brother and he is helping her so much. Both days, he was able to go into her classroom (at the teacher's request) to remind Angel that she is not alone in the school and help her find things she likes about Kindergarten. He's waited for her at recess and given up much of his morning free time to make sure she is having fun. She drives him insane most of the time at home, but he sure adores her and is looking out for her. I have never been so proud of that boy!

Macboy is adjusting well to grade eight. I think it bothers him that, like me, he is not in the same place as the Angel. I get an email or two everyday from him asking for an update. How was today, Mom? Did Angel like school? Coming from my boy that can't stand school and never has enjoyed it, this is quite nice. Everyone wants Angel to be happy.

For me, University is a big adjustment, even without my own kids to worry about. I'm surrounded by people closer to Macboy's age than mine. My Professors have been wonderful, especially my Psyc prof, who was very kind when I warned her that I might be late for a few classes while we adjust to Kindergarten. Turns out, her little one started Kindergarten too. At least there is someone my age.

The cool thing about University that I've noticed so far, is that no one cares. I've introduced myself to those who sit near me and in that precise moment, there is no age. We are all just students in a class that we have all chosen to take. In the classroom, I am not 35, I am simply a student. And being in a much different age category is definitely going to spare me from some college kid drama that I don't want anyway.

I will have to learn to juggle a lot of things. Homework and children, laundry and essays. Dinner and dishes with reading a textbook. The Trucker has to learn a bit about how to help me too. So far, not much has changed in terms of help around the house. The kids are helping out more at least, so I'm not trying to struggle through completely alone.

Friday night, my wonderful sister came by to hang out with my kids. She played with them all evening. I was able to cook dinner and clean it up and get some homework done. I was even able to relax and catch up on a couple TV shows while the Trucker was working his Friday night gig.  She is awesome.

Saturday was laundry and cleaning, with a few errands to run because I am still missing a few things for the four of us in school. Today, I will focus on my family. I need some real down-time before another busy week starts.

We Laughed, We Cried, We Cheered

The last few weeks have been...wait. I don't know what to call it except "a few weeks." Two weeks ago, we were counting our blessings as we enjoyed games night with some good friends. Relaxing and laughing and playing, so peaceful. We stayed up well past two a.m. and felt wonderful.

 

Until we woke up Sunday and found that our trailer with two quads on it was gone. A kind neighbor mentioned she noticed them missing at 7 a.m., so we have a narrow time slot of 2:30-7 for the stupid asses to hook up and take our things.

 

This is stressful. The idiots who take this stuff don't think about anything. Even friends and family aren't here to help as I teach my kids how to handle such a horrible violation of our space. Years of work building their sense of security shot down in just a few hours. It broke my heart when Art woke up Monday morning and panicked because our truck was gone too. Thankfully, I was able to explain that it was MONDAY and Dad had his truck at work.

 

The nights here have been loud. All of my kids talk more in their sleep when they are upset, so there have been plenty of midnight ramblings. It's hard for the Angel Baby to understand. She keeps asking when Daddy is going to go get the machines and bring them home. My thirteen year old? He's not as emotionally invested in the quads, as he's been losing interest over the last year or so. But he has definitely changed his perspective on trust and faith in humanity.

 

Twenty four hours altered everything in our world.

 

I try to focus on thoughts like "It's only stuff" and "thankfully, no one was hurt." But in reality, this is crap. It's just a big old pile of crap. I don't ride the machines, ever, but this was something that we all went out to do as a family. Even invited more family and friends. We made many, many memories with the quads. This was something that the Trucker did to unwind. He'd need a break away from working and family life, and he'd go out with the guys to ride the trails for a day. This was his escape, stolen in a moment.

 

I have heard every night noise for two weeks. I have heard a million sirens and noticed the police helicopter daily. Two nights ago, I nearly jumped off my bed in the middle of the night because I SWEAR someone coughed right outside my window.

 

My kids are doing better, but I am not. My small sense of security has been shattered. This is my space, and someone just spit in it. I am grateful for insurance, as it makes this less of a financial loss, but insurance can't fix our minds or our hearts.

 

Last weekend, however, was completely different.

 

Out of spite (or grief, or exhaustion) we made absolutely NO plans for the weekend. We wanted to just stay home alone and hide. Until we got a call at 10:30 that our niece was in labor. Poor girl, her friend had taken her to the hospital and then just left her there alone. Her mom couldn't get here to be with her, she no longer lives in the city with us. After a few calls, we figured out where she was and headed out. The Trucker and I met with our other niece at the doors of the hospital and the three of us headed in to support her.

 

The trucker headed home exhausted around 4:30 in the morning to get some sleep and be with my kids when they woke up. I stayed with my two nieces until the sweet little baby girl was born. We make a good team!

 

This baby girl came out crying, perfectly healthy and so very sweet. I got to see every moment. It was very strange being at the other end of the delivery room bed!! Sickly fascinating, you don't want to look but then at the same time you simply can't look away.

 

I felt a lot of emotions that night and it will all come later in a post of it's own. Watching a birth is a life altering event. For me, it was freedom. It was like emerging from the crap of the previous week with a brand new fresh start. Just like that baby girl. For her it was a brand new day, a start to her little life. I can start over too.

 

I made it home around noon on Sunday. The trucker was a great help and let me sleep a few hours in the afternoon. Even brought me dinner in bed!! Definitely a new experience! I rarely have seen breakfast in bed, except for the occasional Mother's Day, so supper was a very sweet gesture.

 

Baby girl and her Mommy have had a clean bill of health, both are doing well and are at home. She is having no troubles with nursing so far and is doing well overall.

 

ME? Not so much. The stress and frustration of the theft, followed by an unexpected all night adventure (no matter how exciting and meaningful for me) has shattered my system. I can not sleep. I can not shut off the world and fall asleep. Last night I was in bed early but still wide awake at 1:30.

 

I do not feel the edges of depression creeping in though and I am extremely grateful for that. I will start Melatonin tonight and hopefully reclaim my sleep cycle and bring my health back to normal. There has been so much to do, so much to take care of on top of the regular parts of living. But I am okay!

 

It's just stuff. It's gone and even the police have said that the likelihood of getting back is super small. And of course, if we do get them back, they are likely horribly damaged. This is a terrible situation, but we have each other. We have love, we have life, we have other stuff. This is far from the end of the world.

 

I know, because I know what 'the end of the world' has felt like. I know darkness and pain. I know tears and anger. And now, I know hope. I know love. I know trust. I know that things are not as bad as they seem and if I ever start to forget...

 

I know that I just have to visit that little baby girl and remember that I have new beginnings everyday. Beautiful, unexpected blessings are just waiting around the corner. I couldn't find the silver lining in the dark cloud that hit us, so the universe made it obvious. There is always a reason things happen in our lives.

 

Follow your heart, even when it is hurting,

and you will end up in magical places.

 

(and ... lock your doors, keep an eye over your yard and your neighbors'', kiss your kids. You never know what will happen in the blink of an eye.)

Just Answer Me!

Lately, life has been throwing a million questions at me. Big things and little things. Questions that make my mind spin and my heart ache. Always so many questions!! As this battle is waging in my head, I'm also surrounded by the hundreds of thousands of questions from a four year old.

Hers are not so complicated. Hers are simple. Her answers even easier. This is still an age where I can make something up instead of saying "I don't know." Which is important because "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer for a four year old.

There is always noise. My house is full and happy, which means lots of talking and giggles. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I just wish there would be five small minutes where NO ONE asked me for anything.

But I realize at the same time that I truly don't want that to happen. I know that one day, probably not too far away, I won't get all these questions. One day, these kids will find all their answers on their own. They may ask me occasionally, but it will never compare to where I am right now. Already Macboy has dramatically decreased his number of questions. Some of the remaining are about new video games or cool things he wants to get. "When can we go shopping,Mom?" Others are deep and profound and leave me speechless. Art is nearing the 'pre-teen' status and his questions are easy too. Not always easy to hear, but definitely easy to answer.

As I was reading Angel Baby's bedtime story last night, she stopped me in all the same places to ask all the same questions as we've had every single time we've read that story. Just as I opened my mouth to say "You ask me that every time!" I paused. I want her to ask me questions. I want her to be curious about her whole world and want to learn and explore everything she can. So, I answered the same question with the same answer. Again. And I will probably have to answer the same question again tonight.

I gave myself a knew perspective. She is not asking me because she doesn't know the answer. I'm not always sure WHY she asks. But I give her a consistent answer. I give her faith that I'm not going to change my mind. That thing on that guy's head is ALWAYS going to be a hat. What? A red hat, yes.

When you are four, you are scared of things that change. In two months, I will be preparing her for her first day of school and she will know that the guy in the story is still wearing the same red hat when she comes home. She knows that some things are real and consistent. Even when you have to leave your comforts and go somewhere new.

As she grows she will know, just as my boys do, that there really are NEVER any stupid questions. If you are unsure of something, ask. My boys test my limits often, but they know that even if I am angry, they can ask me their questions. Now that the boys are older, I can honestly tell them when I don't know something. And, I always make a point to find the answers to their questions.

I don't play games, I am honest. I don't hold back information just because they didn't ask a specific enough question. I tell them the truth and trust that they will take in what they are ready to take in.

Angel Baby will learn that it is always okay to ask a question. And she is learning that it's okay to ask more than once if you are unsure. She is learning that I will not judge her or ignore her. She is learning to trust me.

That's something I think we tend to forget as parents. Sure, I am teaching her the names and purposes of things around her. I teach her how to count and what her letters are. I teach her to draw and color. Soon I will be teaching her to read and write and create. But while I am spending my time teaching these everyday things, the value of each lesson goes far beyond what is in front of us.

I give my kids comfort and security. I give them a forever friend and unconditional love. In return, I get so, so much more.

So take a deep breath, my friends. When those questions seem unceasing, and you want to run away screaming, remember that you have an opportunity to teach something so much bigger. You are helping them understand their own universe.

Thank you for stopping by, it's always nice to have visitors.  Please, share with your loved ones if you feel moved to do so. I write for myself, but gain fresh perspective from knowing that I am not alone in this world. I appreciate every single one of you who stops by to say hello. And even those who say nothing. You are here, that's what counts.

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