Going Shopping.

I've given up.... (well no, not really.) I'm accepting that I look like a dork  in the drawstring or elastic pants I've been living in. I discussed a shopping day with the Trucker. (discussed with trucker, not shopping with trucker..)

I've found I'm in this vicious cycle right now and I want out.  I'm very proud that I quit smoking, but at the same time I hate it. I hate it when I look in the mirror and see exactly what I did to curb the cravings.  I have no decent clothes that fit. For the longest time I have resisted, buying bigger anything is just not okay.  I don't want to accept that I've gained weight, I want to LOSE it.

But you see, what really happens is this...

I get up in the morning and fall into the closest cleanest comfiest pair of pants I own and get moving.  I tell myself that after I get the kids to school, I will get 'cleaned up.'  But I don't.  I come home from the school and get Angel Baby's breakfast looked after, get some work done, make some more coffee.... then the next thing I know it's almost lunch and I'm still in this ugly outfit.

"It's okay" I say, "I'll exercise after lunch then jump in the shower to get cleaned up."  But I don't. I get lunch done, get kids back to school, tidy a bit, do some dishes maybe, work a bit, then it's 3 and I have kids to get home from school and I still haven't changed.

Get everyone home, maybe some snacks, maybe start dinner. Remind myself to get cleaned up before the trucker gets home. But... I don't.  He gets home and I look like hell and I apologize (or swear at him for complaining... he doesn't know what I do in a day!!!).

Then there is dinner, and dishes, and homework and getting kids ready for bed.  

By the end of the day, I simply feel like crap. I haven't really accomplished ANYTHING. I look horrible.  Like a used tissue. (Literally, Angel Baby loves wiping her nose on my clothing instead).  I'm not a nice person to be around because I feel like a mess. And I'll stay feeling like a mess until I clean my act up.

I can't act the part if I don't look the part.  I'll wash my guilty conscience away in a hot shower before bed and SWEAR that I will do it right tomorrow.

But. I Don't.  

I do look through my closet and hate what I see.  I have beautiful clothing... that I can't wear.  I miss it.  I had confidence, comfort, I had Style.  (sigh.... once upon a time.)

So here's my plan. I am going to buy a few pairs of decent jeans that DO fit. Then I will look better, which will make me feel better. I have more energy when I feel better, so I will DO more. More exercise, cleaning, working. It's a fact.  There was a period of a few months where I wore office clothes (my 'good' clothes) everyday. I washed floors in dress pants. I felt FANTASTIC. And I got everything done, every day.  I didn't have the half done to-do list that never ended.

And of course, if I DO more, I will lose more.  In order to pick myself back up so I can lose the weight, I need to buy the 'fat clothes' I've been avoiding.  Make sense?  Well, even if I don't lose the extra pounds, I will look better, and maybe not FEEL so overweight.  It made sense to the Trucker.  I think he's tired of this frumpy wife he's got.  I better morph back into the hot & sexy one he married. And additionally, it just might help destroy these last clingy cravings.  I can't avoid the thought that NOT smoking led to all of this.

Wish me luck!

Do you have a regular "uniform" at home?  What do you wear everyday?  Are you happy with it?

You Don't Have To Understand

Just the other day, I was having a conversation about my blogging.  It started off with "Well, how much time do you actually spend on that blog crap, anyway?"  This is intended to include twitter, facebook, stats, writing, really everything that I do in relation to my blogs.  I was hurt. Of course I was hurt. There is nothing like having ANY part of your life referred to as crap.  So, I struck back with every single stupid thing that I think that person does. Every little thing that I think is a waste of time. And added to my defense that my kids are involved and LOVE THIS. They suggest things to write about. Macboy even sneaks into the browser on his DSi and reads some of my posts.

It seems to some that this part of my life is interfering with my work time and other responsibilities. And yes, I will admit that it does sometimes mean that I'm juggling my hours a bit differently. But I am still working.  And I'm even finding benefits from the blogging to help me understand my work. I understand some of the things we do a bit better since I've starting working on the other side of the webworld.

Blogging is saving me. It is boosting my confidence, providing an outlet for some of the things in my brain that I just can't always say out loud.  It is giving me something to look forward to.  It is taking me back to simpler times. I am meeting new people, learning tons of new things everyday.  I went from feeling as though NO ONE cared to seeing that some people do like to hear what I say. I am anything but alone in my life. And I have been able to share some funny moments that people could miss easily.  The humour and happiness around us is often overlooked and now I'm paying attention. I'm seeing things in a different way and taking time to enjoy the small stuff. I started off with a small handful of 'followers' and some of them were forced into it. Now I have more, and it grows every day.  See those buttons up on the top? They WORK.

Another advantage of this blogging 'hobby' is that I am simply more AWARE. I am making changes to my life daily because I am looking at the world differently.  Also because I read some of the writing of my peers and feel inspired to make changes.

"Well What Do You Need Vacation For?"

Really?  Sure, I do feel guilty to some degree because I'm taking time off while the kids are in school.  But seriously?  I DESERVE A BREAK.  Work at home is a whole different world, especially if you don't have daycare involved. And it is not all about my job, it's just that work is the only thing in my life I can ACTUALLY take a vacation from!!!  I'm not freaking out because I can't do my job.  And I'm not quitting my job either. I'm taking a week off. That's it. 

I can't stop potty training, or helping with homework, or hugging a crying kid at 2 am who had a nightmare.

I can't stop laundry or dishes or sweeping or vacuuming or... you get it....

I can't stop being a mom of a boy with Tourette's. Sure it's not a severe case, but we have our speedbumps

I can't stop being a wife or a mom or a friend or a daughter or a sister.

I don't want to.

I don't need to stop anything.

I just need a slower week.

Vacation time?  Hell YES, I need vacation time. And NO it is not because I work too many hours in a day, it is NOT because I spent time writing here instead of looking after other things. And it is absolutely not because I "can't handle my expectations as a mother."

My longest 'vacation' was my honeymoon. We took a week. 4 days with the boys in tow, and 3 days just for adults (Angel Baby was still 2 years away).  We went camping. It was still like everyday life, just not at home. I had to clean up, cook, take care of kids... you know.

Next was the August long weekend, when hubs and I got to go camping 2 years in a row with no kids. This hasn't happened since 2008.

I'm still not going anywhere, I'm just lightening the load. For one freaking week.  Give me a break.  I'm taking time off, so that maybe I can use my extra 20 hours that week to put some order back into my home. Find my desk in my office that I JUST GOT and have already lost to a pile of everyone else's crap.  And maybe, just maybe play with my kids a bit more?

So, really, any judgemental 'friend' can take their opinions and ....... fill in your own blanks here.

I blog because I want to. Because I can.  It is the first thing to suffer when life gets crazy. I drop it like it never existed.  It's not my first priority, but it is on the list.

You don't have to read it, you don't have to understand it, you don't have to care.

And I don't have to stop.

 

Wednesdays Without Electronics - Our Own WWE

I had no clue how this was going to go. Our first media free night was deemed a success. And not just by me. The family enjoyed it too. Or at least that's what they said and I'm holding them to it.  So far, no one hates me (yet) and we are going to continue it.

Truthfully, we almost forgot about it. Art was the first to realize, so we didn't actually start until 4 pm.  And then I had to go pick up dad from work, so the boys snuck in an extra episode of Phineas and Ferb while I was out. But I'm not holding a grudge. They confessed freely and it was our first attempt. This will get easier.

The very first thing the boys did was head outside. They played until dinner and then finished up homework. It was kid's dish night.  I expected the most resistance to come from the Trucker, but he really didn't seem to mind. We were sitting and visiting in the living room until he couldn't stand the level of laughter from the kitchen any longer. I held my breath and waited for the booming "what are you doing?" to come when he walked in there. Angel Baby was being 'helpful' again and there were a lot of bubbles floating around. 

But it didn't come. 

The next thing I know Dad is laughing saying "how do you like it??" and by the time I got in there, all three kids had bubbles on their heads. Not many dishes were washed. 

Along with homework there was lego and reading involved. Dad didn't have to go to bed too early, so he even helped with our bedtime routine.  He got very involved in tucking everyone in. Some squishing, some tickling and at least one upside down child appeared during the tuck in times.  The Trucker didn't even turn on the TV as per normal when he went to bed.

It was a fantastic, fun, happy and FAST evening. I can't believe how quick it went without TV or video games numbing our brains.  We allowed one radio to play, but even that got shut off early.  Sadly, because of my internet outages, I had to try to get some work done before I went to bed after everyone else was asleep. But it was definitely worth the time unplugged.

Hopefully with a little practise, I will be able to shut everything down for the night. Including the laptop.

Upcoming Changes

I've mentioned once or twice that I've lost my direction... well, I never really had any, but I'm not sure I'm going anywhere.

Over the next week or so, I will be spending a bit more time on 'behind the scenes' items.  Cleaning up some items, streamlining the flow, and possibly transferring a few posts between here and Who Took My Last Cup Of Coffee?.  I hope to make this an easier blog to read or search through and make it a bit more 'share-worthy'.

I am also working along with the SITSgirls, on learning how to improve my blog so that you guys might actually stick around and read some more.

I get a little sidetracked sometimes.... okay, almost all the time.  So bear with me. If I do this right, you shouldn't feel a thing. You may notice my background has changed. Again... It's like rearranging my bedroom, I just have to do it sometimes. haha.

I am just one week away from my vacation at home, and greatly looking forward to it.  I will force organization back into my home and my blog and my life.  No more hiding in the shadows, no more wishing things were different. June 12, I will MAKE things different.

I've also decided (partly because I am so horribly late with the story) that I will write my WWE stories and post them the following week. So this week will be about last week and our first attempt.  I can't post on Wednesday, or I will be breaking the rules. But there is nothing saying I can't write it and let blogger post it for me!!

Karma Bites You Back, But Only If You Bite First

I've promised a story of our media free day, and you will get that. Just not today.  Today I must speak out about something much more serious.

Karma

Today, I made a formal apology to the rulers of wi-fi.  And I got my service back.  Go Figure.

It is the way of the world. 

A few examples? 

1. Media free day, I pushed to be unplugged and we got completely disconnected. Talk about 'call waiting!"
2. If you complain about the person in front of you in line at the store, at least one cashier will go on break and you WILL end up waiting longer.
3. Compliment your kids responsible behavior behind their backs and they are sure to do something wrong. I praised their ability to get to school on bikes okay, only to catch them crossing the street half way down the block, without even looking!
4. If you demand all markers be put away indefinitely, the toddler will find a different way to draw (like your makeup). Might as well cover the walls with paper!
5. When you intentionally decide to ignore the socks with holes when you put away your hubby's clothes, you will end up getting holes in your own for the next few days.
6. Pay attention, never agree to something because you are embarrassed to admit that you didn't listen to the question. I've gone to some really bad movies because of that mistake.
7. Keep one huge stuffed animal in your home, even if you hate it.  As soon as you get rid of it, another will find it's way in. Or if you must get rid of it, try to plan for the longest break between birthdays or Christmas.
8. If you procrastinate, you will end up with twice as much to do 'later'.

But I do believe you can beat the bad side of karma.  For example, three times in a row, I found money (like a dollar or two) on the ground on the same day I donated a bunch of stuff to goodwill.  If you praise your children IN FRONT OF THEM, they will praise you too.  If you listen to your kids, they will listen to you. If you want everyone to cheer up, you need to smile first.

I'm determined to give Karma a good name.  Who's with me?