Preparing For A Holiday

This week is crazy, (aren't they all?) getting ready for a break.  Mom is constantly tidying, waiting patiently for us to leave her in her clean home so she can enjoy it actually staying clean for a few days. I think she's got some great plans for this weekend.  Steam cleaning the carpets and the like.  (I wish I could say I was kidding, but that really is the plan). 

I've been busy building lists, planning and plotting, so I have everything we need. I'm a good girl scout. hehehe

I've got food almost completely figured out, listed the things we need for the kids. The portable pharmacy is listed (tylenol, bug spray, benadryl, bandaids) and I have checked what I need to buy vs. what I can bring from home.

I've been working, but not consistently, I just may have a good all-nighter in my future so I don't have to sweat my hours next week. But we'll see. As long as I keep pushing a little at a time, it will all get done.

I am looking forward to the trip. My anniversary falls this weekend and I am spending it with people that I love.  I am out of cell phone range, away from the Wi-Fi addiction, yet I still have my coffee maker so I'm ALL. GOOD.  Normally, we allow the kids to bring their DSi's on a trip like this, but I am strongly thinking we may leave them behind this time. It'll do my boys some good to be completely disconnected for a few days.  Especially since our wireless Wednesdays have fallen to the side this summer.  We have had a lot of rainy days so far, we have not been able to get outside a whole lot.  And of course, this directly translates into Mom-doesn't-really-care-either-way days.  So I let them play, I force occasional breaks but overall they have spent a great deal of time on devices. 

Who am I to judge. I have access to 4 email accounts, twitter and facebook on. my. phone.  I am way too connected.  My only requirement of a cell phone before now, was simply that it would ring.  And now, half of my life runs through my phone. I have time management apps, calendars, notepads, a TON of music.  I joked before about not feeling smarter...but I have come to the conclusion that the phone is always smarter than those of us who keep using the stinkin things.  Every time I find a new app or toy on there, I am hooked. I have yet to find something I hated. 

I've been stressing this week. I haven't posted anything for awhile. I have several half written stories, left unpublished because I just can't get the right message out of my head and onto the screen. Perhaps this weekend will shift my focus.

I have been getting ahead of myself and at the same time falling behind. I have tons to do, and tons I don't want to do. I feel guilty for letting things slide. I think now is a great time for a break. A reminder that what is special to me is not found online.

I'd promise some brilliant posts for when I get back, but I'm just going to be realistic.... that's one more demand I don't want to place on myself right now.  I am looking forward to just being free.

Wherever This Road Takes Me

Sometimes, I suffer from long bouts of depression.  Sometimes, I fly high and quote Homer. (Simpson, sadly. Not the other one.) Most of the time, I float somewhere around the middle. I don't need or want my life to be perfect, there would be no fun or adventure in that. If you knew things would always work according to plans, the planning would get boring.  However, if you could never plan, life would become a nightmare.

I sit bouncing from one extreme to the other. Often. Just trying to enjoy the ride.

When I started blogging, I had no idea where this would take me. I was super paranoid about what 'google learns about me' and afraid of putting out private thoughts and personal feelings.  There is much about me I will never write here. Save for a few tiny glimpses here and there if they fit another story.  

I never jumped in wanting to build a huge blog and make a million dollars. Man, it took months before I let anyone know I was writing it. And it slowly grows. Each new reader makes me feel a little less crazy, even if they are following me just to watch me go crazy!

I would never say no to money, but it is not my top priority. 

I am a fixer, someone who just always wants to help someone else. I avoid conflict as much as I can, partly because I am often emotional and take things too personally.  When I write here, I forget about you readers... I do want to hold your interest, yes, but if I stress over how you might take it or what you might think, I will lose the joy of the writing process.   

I don't expect to please everyone all of the time. I can't. No one can.  And so far, I have seen a steady increase in traffic. I don't need high numbers. I don't need huge recognition.  I won't turn it away of course... but it's not my primary goal.  I'm not trying to sell something. I have no product or hidden agenda here. 

I write because I need to. Because there are many things in my life that need to be put in words. There are so many things I can't say. When I try to say the words out loud, they don't work. Nothing comes out how I really mean it.  But when I write I can say it all, I can read it over and change it if I need to. I can just close my eyes and let things pour out of me. Sometimes, I read before I post and sometimes I just turn on an editor brain and do the spelling and grammar checks, without actually letting the words sink in.

Now and then, I read something I've written and can't believe it came from me. I know that these thoughts exist, but I don't grasp the message. Getting a good kick in the a** from a friend is important. Getting a kick from your OWN words?  How often does that happen?  

I used to dream about studying psychology. Many parts of my personality are a perfect match for that kind of career. Fear has always kept me from pursuing it. I fear my own mind.  There are a lot of dark things hiding there, things I want to forget completely, but also entirely make up who I am today.  I will never follow that dream. Purposely. 

The first post on Wendy Can't Cook was simple. My cooking fails. Which happen a bit too often (did I tell you I blew my oven element half way through cooking dinner last night?)  Then I realized what a lift I was getting from laughing at myself. Taking myself less seriously. A few minutes, a couple times a week, and I was feeling the stress roll off my shoulders. I was starting to look at life with renewed spirit and wide open eyes.  And this gave me courage to keep going. To keep digging. To keep learning.

I'd love to say that I have some grand message to share with the world... but I don't. I'm just trying to learn it all myself. And if you take something away from my rambling that helps you... COOL.  It validates my reason for sharing.

Making my blog public had nothing to do with building a following or making money. It was just freeing to let these thoughts go. If I wrote here and no one ever saw it, it would essentially still be in my head.

So thank you. 

Thank you for being here. 

For helping me learn and grow and let go.  

And thank you for coming back, 

sharing your thoughts 

and sharing my stories.

I make no promises on where this blog will go. But it is more me than many things in my life.  I will keep writing about it all, wherever this road takes me.

I would love for you to come along for the ride.

One Sided Friendships Sink Eventually

Do you have one of those friends?  You know, the one who expects your phone call. The one who will quickly remind you of all the times they have done something for you?  That one who tells everyone that you never call but in reality they don't even remember your number? 

When do you decide that it's time to let go?  How do you walk away from possibly years of history, laughter and tears that were shared. It's not easy to justifiably walk away, especially if the other person doesn't believe you tried. How do you push your pride out of the way, and walk away? 

Do you worry about the past secrets that were shared coming out?  Do you wonder if all the silly stupid things you have done and forgotten will suddenly be remembered (and shared behind your back)?

Part of my mission to become happier means that I have to examine some of the things that I'm holding on to, and that includes people.  I need to make sure that the main influences in my life are positive ones.  I can honestly say there are not a lot who fall into this dark area of my life.  And those that do exist there, haven't really been "here" for quite some time. I strongly suspect that some will not even notice I have done anything different.

I let go of one friendship a few years back. She had no kids, she didn't understand how I could ever be "that busy."  She had a very negative outlook, from work to men and everything in between. It was hard to talk to her and after a while I was inclined to let the machine get the call. It felt awful.  If I did have an opportunity to squeeze in a word, she may have had a chance to understand what my life was about.

When she told me "where to go" in her frustration one day... I went. 

There is another who seems to believe that I will never understand her. My life and hers are very similar and yet have gone completely different directions. Her new friends and my new friends are nothing alike. She's consistently mad at me, or rude about me. I spent more than enough time trying to figure out what I actually did wrong.

You know what I came up with? Not much.  

A few years back, she told me very bluntly that I am self-destructive. In that moment I was furious! She was supposed to be my support, my sounding-board, why would she say something like that?  Well, because that's what a good friend does. They tell you when you are being stupid. They want you to be better, for you and for them.  I took a hard lesson from that conversation. I learned a lot and changed a lot.  I didn't stay mad over a truth I didn't want to hear, I took it to heart and trusted that she was saying it out of love for our friendship.  This open discussion didn't work both ways for us, as she later rejected a hard truth I told her. She held that truth against me, even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever said out loud in my life.  I'm willing to bet that she completely denies I ever spoke those words.

I think the day she called me self destructive was her version of telling me "where to go." We still talked, but not as often and after a while it slowed even more. Lately, we have not talked at all. I have called, and we can talk like it was just yesterday when we talked last, but I have called less and less over the years. And I can't honestly say the last time she called me. I don't think she has called me for years. But there I was. Sensitive, worrying, over-thinking Wendy. Trying to figure out how to bring her back. 

She needs a good friend now more than ever.

We live two different lives. It hurts to lose such a long standing friendship, but it's time for me to let go. I'm not going to let myself feel guilt for not phoning anymore. I love her to pieces but this is wholly one-sided now and I'm letting go.  

Just because she needs a friend, doesn't mean it has to be me.

Freeing myself from negative relationships will give me room to nurture the good ones. No longer berating myself for hurting someone, even though I don't know when or how or even IF I did; instead, I can focus on gratitude for the good friends in my life.

How can I show my kids how to maintain good friendships when I carry on unhealthy ones myself?  

How do I model self esteem when I allow others to knock me down over and over again for their own personal gain?  

My mom told me the same things I tell my kids, "friends like that are not friends worth having."  Why did I have to wait until 32 to really learn that lesson?

As hard as it may be right now, I am officially freeing myself of the guilt of letting go. I will acknowledge the emails, messages, phone calls that have been put out there and be proud of myself for fighting so long in a losing battle.  In a case like this, I am okay with admitting defeat.  I will tuck away the good memories of years past before bitter feelings take over and wipe away all the fun times that were.

A true friend, a good friend, even an okay friend... will be honest with you. If they are mad, they will tell you why. If they think you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, they will tell you. They will laugh with you, walk with you, talk with you. They will be there to cry with you too. A good friend will not spend countless hours reminding you of past favors, they will simply let it go. They will know that you are there to help if you are ever needed.

If I am trying to stop being so hard on myself, 

I need to stop letting others be hard on me too.

What Doesn't Matter, Just Doesn't Matter.

I was working on this post this morning and after re-reading what I had, I realized that many of the things I wanted to say are totally entitled to their own separate entries. Apparently, when I started looking at some of these little things, I realized they are a much bigger part of me than I had hoped.

Everyone has those little things in their life. The small difficulties that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.  We can waste a lot of precious energy holding on to those thoughts. Why?  Why hold on to anything that is not moving you forward in life.  Learning to let go, frees up your mind and your heart to really enjoy the good things in your life.

I am one of those worrying type of people. Always living in the 'what-if' world.  It's not fun. It's exhausting! But my brain just works that way. I don't just have plan B covered, I've got just about every angle covered.  Don't ask my in-laws about how much stuff I have to pack when we go visit for the long weekend!

I think letting go of things is a process we all go through almost daily. We let go of our frustration when someone cuts us off in traffic. We let go when our kids smoosh shiny blue eyeshadow into the carpet. We let go of control as our kids grow.  We let go of bad service, we let go of those hurtful words we sometimes hear. 

Perhaps, Letting Go can become a regular feature. I know that I could use the reminder to stop and think about some of these things.  Writing is very good for me. I'm a black and white kinda girl. Seeing things on paper makes them clear. A computer screen doesn't always count, I can see my words, but I don't always FEEL them the same way.  (this is a big reason why I go through so much paper in my online-remote office-at home job!)

So, in an effort to still produce a relevant post, I have skimmed the fat and have a few smaller examples of things I am letting go of.

Macboy's one sock deal. 

Don't ask me why but since the beginning of summer he will only wear one sock at a time. Yes he does alternate too, he says "Can't have one foot dirty and the other clean."  I'm glad my kids are strange like me. The problem is, he's old enough to get pretty smelly feet. And at least socks help preserve the shoes! 

I WILL NOT QUESTION HIS ONE SOCK PHASE.

Angel Baby is no angel

I'm letting go of the daily dose of irony that her middle name is Angel. She is certainly ... something else.  She's a good girl, she is just very busy.  I wouldn't ever call her hyper, she's just very curious. A real self-starter. If she wants to know how something works she just gets in there and figures it out. Yes it means that I replace make up more often and have to clean the blue out of the carpet. It means that I have to scrub marker off the walls often (well, not anymore, since I covered those walls with paper, she hasn't drawn ANYTHING.).  I envy her spirit sometimes. She is determined, confident, curious, brave and unbearably smart.  She is amazing.

I WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH HER EXPLORING OF LIFE.

Art is messy work.

My little guy is so creative. He loves to make, draw, color, whatever.... His projects create a lot of messes in my house (and other peoples houses, thank you Aunty for allowing some of it to get in your carpets too)   It drives me insane that he leaves markers around where Angel Baby can get them. There are bits of paper, glue sticks, crayons, pencils, and all that goes with it... All over my house. I am letting go of my desire to have everything in it's place. This is not all bad. 

1. Art reuses everything. He is learning to repurpose things so that he doesn't throw them away.
2. His skills are constantly improving. Writing, drawing, cutting. The school will thank me.
3. He at least tries to clean up most of his messes.
4. I am a crafty momma! I used to hate that Macboy wasn't really into it. Yes, karma is here to bite me in the A**. You get what you wish for.
5. I have learned from experience the best and most effective ways to clean a LOT of things.

I WILL NOT STAND IN THE WAY OF CREATIVITY.

Quitting smoking is a process.

If you smoke when you feel stressed or uncomfortable, but then stress yourself out with guilt because you are still doing it, then you smoke to feel lighter, then guilt, then smoke.... 

I'm working on quitting smoking forever. I will have good days and bad. I will stick to it. I am not letting go of my resolve to completely quit again... I am letting go of the pressure and high standards I've place on myself to do it fast. I'm letting go of the guilt I've added when I fail. And very soon, 

I AM LETTING GO OF MY DEPENDENCY ON NICOTINE.

At least this is a start. But I am also letting go of my need to share EVERY thought all at once. I have some great notes now for some great upcoming posts.

What things are you holding on to?  

Is there something in your life you want to just let go of?  

Remember... those pretty buttons up top actually work!  Find a way to follow me and my insanity.  If you have different network that I am not already using.. Send me a message and let me know so I can meet you there. My email is available in my Profile page (over there on the right.. where it says "About Me").

Follow In My Daddy's Footsteps