I Lost A Whole Day!

I'm a busy mom. With working at home, trying to get to the gym, trying to find time to write around the Trucker's crazy hours and three busy kids, sometimes I'm amazed I have time to shower!  Every now and then, I find that one thing that demands so much of my mind and my energy that all other things fall to the wayside. 

I'm a huge reader. I love to read. All kinds of books, just not the gushy romance novels my mother and grandmother read all the time. I read a strange assortment of books. Much like my really odd selection of music. I like a bit of everything.  Most of the time it's a struggle to get time in to read a full novel. A few minutes here and a few minutes there. Sometimes I read a little while I'm waiting for the kids at the school, or sitting in the living room until the kids are quiet enough that I actually believe they are going to sleep at night. 

Occasionally, I find a book that I just can't put down. I tend to devour Kay Hooper novels, which are kind of freaky and sometimes gory. They fascinate me and I can't stop reading until they are done. I got sucked in to the Da Vinci Code the same way. Then I got interested in the storyline for The Help. Finally caved in and bought the book, and had it finished the next night.

My sister bought the Hunger Games books last week. She's been reading a library copy and decided to order the set to keep reading. I borrowed the first one and started reading Wednesday. Thursday night I finished it. Friday she dropped off the second and third for me, since I'm reading faster than she is. Saturday morning I finished Catching Fire and Saturday night around 11 I finished the Mockingjay.  Those are the kind of books I can't put down. That is the way I wish I could write. I was hooked from the beginning and just HAD TO read the rest. The break between the second and third novels was about.... 5 minutes.  Maybe long enough to hit the bathroom and grab a drink before I settled back into it.

Seriously, I did nothing but read yesterday.  I think it drives the Trucker crazy when I go so deep into a book. Life just sort of happens around me. I'm holding the book in one hand cooking dinner with the other. Propping the book open while I do other tasks that have to get done. Carrying it everywhere I go.  Until I'm done.

Sometimes when I'm done it feels hard to get back into the real world. For the hours while I am reading, I am in a totally different world. My heart and soul are lost in the writers words and I just blend into their reality.  It's almost like the low you get after you spent a long time planning an event and then suddenly it's over.  Suddenly I'm back in the much less exciting real world and I don't know what to do with myself.

I guess I'm like this with everything. There is no half way. I'm in or I'm not. I do it all and do it right or I just don't do it.  For the writers of the world, if you don't have me hooked in the first chapter, I might read the second, but if I'm not totally engrossed by the end of the second chapter I probably won't finish the book.  Is it the perfectionist in me?  Am I a lot more OCD than I suspect?  

If I don't fold my laundry as it comes out of the dryer, it sits in a basket for a week. If I don't do the dishes right after dinner, they'll sit until .... well, whenever I get the energy to tackle them the next day.  I procrastinate like no other. But once I start something I go extreme until it's finished. Wiping the counter can turn into a two hour kitchen scrub down. Putting clothes away can turn into a huge closet purge.  Picking up papers in the office turns into a complete revamp of the entire room.

Now, my sister is laughing at me for getting so caught up in these books and I'm not allowed to talk about them until she's caught up. Darn. Hurry up will ya?  What's your problem?  hehehe oh yeah, I had your books.  And I have no life!

Does this happen to you?  What hooks your attention?  Have you gotten so lost in a book that time stopped, or at least seemed to?

My Little Princess

She's such a delight, this Angel Baby of mine.  She picks everything sparkly and pink to wear. She adores getting her nails painted, and this is one of the few times she actually stops moving for more than 2 seconds.  She loves to have her hair pinned up or pulled back, even if she hates the brushing part.

Yes, she sure looks like a princess most of the time.

Hidden under this sparkling pink facade... is nothing near a princess. She is as much a boy as her brothers. As I type this she is playing with a little blue robot the boys left out.  She likes to get right into the mud. She loves to do everything that her brothers are doing.

She is the one I will have to watch as a teenager.

She is amazing, in fact, I believe that all three of my kids are amazing. I have been one to let fear and worry rule my world. As a kid, I was afraid of getting hurt. I was worried about what others thought of me. I was always trying too hard to be what I thought others wanted me to be. I didn't take risks. I didn't even like riding my bike too fast. I still don't take a lot of risks, but I'm learning to stop guessing what others think of me and start forming opinions of my own.

My kids are so strong and confident. Art is maybe too confident, thinking he's unbreakable sometimes when he really shouldn't. They do what they want, they follow their hearts.  There are no rules or stereotypes that interfere with their choices.  There is no 'boy toy' or 'girl toy' rules here. They play together and share with each other. I love this.

I am not sure how someone like me, who is so aware of everyone around me, so obsessed with other peoples needs and opinions could have raised such self sufficient kids. How can I teach them lessons that I can't follow myself?  I guess I can model why you shouldn't worry so much...

Angel Baby spends more time with the least likely of toy choices. Every day she carries something different to the school when it's time to pick the boys up.  Imagine a pretty little pink purse, filled with dirt, cars, you name it! 
Let me tell you, every day here is an adventure with this one.

Can you see?  Just under the vanity table, the doll has been moved to the floor. The bassinet for babies is filled with more important things at the moment.

Her husband of the future may want to be careful when asking what's for dinner. Well, he might be okay, she does sometimes like to cook with me.

Now, this last one?  He's developing a bit of a history with us.  Bought as a prank to get my boys, but adopted by my little princess.  Seriously, the rubber has almost a fleshy feel to it, the inside is not solid, but some sort of squishy beany something, kind of like a bean bag but ... not quite.  We have a black partner too.  Art kept getting revenge pranks from Grandma, she kept finding the mice all over the house and thinking he was planting them. Little did she know it was the Angel Baby, not planting them but carrying them all over all the time and dropping them or setting them down in random places.

She loves these things.  Crazy kid. A few days a go, I found it on my chair in the dining room when I sat down to dinner. I've found it tucked by the leg of my desk, hiding behind chairs and under stools.  Even in a cupboard or two. But the other day was the worst yet.  Angel Baby had a rash happening, so I had been giving her the regular dose of vaseline smear.  She apparently decided that this little mouse needed some too. No, honey, the pink of his ears and tail are not from a rash!  

You haven't lived until you have tried to clean grease of a squishy, stretchy, ugly little mouse!  What can I say?  At least she didn't put it in her hair this time.

Two Birds With One Stone? No.

Wrong.  Lately here it's two stones for one bird.  Stones being dinner and Birds being my family. What can I say... my family is comfortable with the food they eat. And ultimately, I know that they eat pretty well. There's room for improvement, but I'm not about to make drastic changes to their diet just to accommodate what I want. Interestingly enough, the less I bug them to try the things I'm eating the more they want to try it.

I guess I trained them well when I didn't want to share my chocolate stash. Now they think if I don't offer, it must be really good.  It's kind of a pain, I've been working on learning how to cook the meals we love all this time, and know that I can comfortably cook just about everything they all like, I'm changing it again.  

I've always enjoyed whole grain bread.  I don't know why I didn't choose to buy it before. It lasts longer because I'm pretty much the only one who eats it. I also don't know why I didn't really think about the fact that the cream cheese I love could possibly be sold in a low fat version. DUH.  

Spaghetti squash is not only good for you, and a good pasta replacement... but it's actually pretty fun to cook.  Like Halloween pumpkins, but without the sticky part. Just plain fun.  The kids didn't want to try eating it, but they definitely got into shredding it up.

I've also learned that there is an unexplainable trend in my food tracking.  The more I write down what I eat, the better I want to eat. Admitting to myself that I just scarfed down two donuts in the Timmies parking lot is not a big deal, but writing down (or logging on sparkpeople) means facing the food. Owning my choices. Sometimes, it is easier to just avoid the junk food or take out than it is to admit to myself that I stuffed that crap in my mouth.

I'm trying to eat better. Eating only the vegetables and not the great desserts can get a bit monotonous. I can't eat the same things over and over. Because I really didn't care much before, I didn't try to push the envelope too far. I would make a new dish and it would instantly get the pass or fail from the family. Many of the meals I LOVED were not a big hit with the kids and the trucker.  It really is easier for me to make two dinners right now.  I'm a different person. I know that forcing the kids to eat different things is really just a crap-shoot anyway.  Most of the things I hated growing up are things I cook for myself now. And it's really not about what mom did right, it's simply that my tastes have changed. Many of the things I loved growing up, I just can't tolerate anymore.  

If the family was living on fast food, I'd put my foot down. But they aren't. They just have a smaller selection of things they like. I would rather they eat their whole healthy dinner than have them pick at something they don't enjoy and not eat enough of the right foods.  Right?

What about you?  Do you think I'm crazy?  Would you make two meals? Have you ever been in this position?

Have You Ever Been In Need?

I don't mean in need of a pedicure or a hair cut.  I don't mean that you sit at home weekends because you are stretching your paycheque for the next two weeks. I mean really IN NEED.  I've toyed with this post in my head for a while, but after reading Do What You Can Do, I was reminded of the reason to share this message. These are some of the words that should  be shared. Thoughts that many avoid, but we all should face.

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I've lived in extreme circumstances and feel thoroughly blessed at this time in my life. Yes, I'm in debt. True, I have nothing saved for a rainy day and barely even for an emergency. I don't agree with credit cards and thus don't have the visa safety net either.  However, I have a roof over my head, a good job, assets that I could liquidate if I really had to and a warm comfy bed to sleep in every night.

I have been in rough places. I've slept on air mattresses in the basements of friends or family. I've gotten my weekly groceries from a food bank. I've had to walk or ride a bike to get anywhere because I had no vehicle and even the cost of public transportation was too much.  I've worn layers of sweaters because I broke the zipper in my winter jacket and couldn't afford to replace it. I've 'made do' with the same shoes for many years, shoes I got second hand and wore until they simply fell apart.  I've even lived in the stinky small apartment, furnished with next to nothing, in the seediest part of the city, because the rent was like a quarter of any decent place.

We had help.  We had friends or family who could give us the space in their basement. We always got by. We never had much, but we always found what we needed. I'm truly blessed.

That's why I'm humbled with the efforts of a young boy, who at 12 years old (just a bit older than my Macboy) felt the pull on his heart to reach out and help the homeless in his city.  He enlisted his mom and for 5 years filled and delivered backpacks full of basic necessities to the homeless. He developed sponsors and media friendships and grew his little dream each year.
Jesse can be a role model for my kids.  Now focusing on school work to graduate grade 12 with honors, he had to make the rough decision to let go. Not knowing if anyone would step up and carry on his private passion.

In steps Bubbleup Marketing, a local company searching for a way to give back to it's own community. It was a miracle of timing, Jesse reaching out and Jason searching for just that message in the same moments.  BubbleUP Marketing will continue to spread the hope inspired by this young man through the Bag Of Hope campaign. There are good causes out there, there are good people who just want to help for the sake of helping. Not for gratitude or financial gain, just to share a little bit of hope to others.

I pray that my children will never have to live through dire circumstances, but rest easier knowing that there are still good people and good organizations that can support them and provide the hope they may need to take just one more step.

I believe that NO ONE is ever homeless by CHOICE. Perhaps there is an illness or addiction involved. I have seen my own fair share of struggles and have handled extreme mental illness and serious addictions in my family.  I am eternally grateful to each and every person who has helped those that I love.  But who helps those who have no family?  Who reminds them that there is a reason to hope?  Who can step up and say to them, "There is a way out. It will be hard, but it can happen for you too."?

Inspiring hope, building your own community, restoring faith... that's what organizations like this are for. So much more than a toothbrush or a warm pair of gloves.  Sure there are starving children in Africa, but you know what?  There are children, families, adults in the same position everywhere.  In tough economic times (I'm reluctant to believe that recovery is happening) there are people in need in every city, possibly just down your street.  I would bet that there is an organization in your town, your city, doing something to help it's own citizens.

I urge you to step out of your comfort zone. Step up and show someone you care.  You have no idea how inconceivably small the effort can be for you, compared to the impact it can have on the recipient.  And in due course, it has an impact on your neighborhood, your city, your country.  Teach your children to be giving, by being an example.

Give when you are blessed with extra, in hopes that you never need the favor returned.

I believe it can be a simple short slip in life that could send any one of us into despair.
Never take for granted what you have today.

Too Much Reflection Gives Me A Headache

Some days, actually many days, I feel like I'm just spinning in circles.  I can see what I want and where I want to be, but it feels like my efforts are taking me no where. It is easy to get frustrated when some changes take a long time.  Weight changes are slow, but there are rewards along the way. Simply the feeling that I get from exercising more or eating better make the days bearable when the scale doesn't change.

Kids are learning new ways to drive one crazy every day. Trying to keep up seems painful sometimes. As soon as I manage to change one behavior and new (and often harder) one appears.  Three kids can be extremely overwhelming. It seems my kids got faster each time. The 'phases' my first one went through at 5, hit the second at 4 and the Angel Baby is only 3. Ugh.  And this time of year, I have allergy season in progress. Though we don't have any definite allergies 'proven' or 'diagnosed' we still have signs and symptoms that cause troubles.  Kids waking up during the night with stuffy noses or dry coughs, not necessarily connected to a cold.  And there is a lot more SEE-food going on at the dinner table, because it is hard to eat when your nose is plugged.
It is also hard to eat when you sit across from the one with the stuffed up nose.

And work?  I'm having a hard time figuring it out. I am motivated and happy one day, I can see my direction, but the next I'm lost and wondering if it's time to make a change.  Is work the problem, or, am I the one standing in my own way, preventing the enjoyment I had before?

I suppose it's hardest because I sincerely think I was born in the wrong generation.  I am that mom who wants to be home with the kids. I'd be happy to get up early and make breakfast for my trucker but the demands of the rest of the day mean that I just can't entertain that thought. If I don't sleep at night, I just don't sleep.

This month has been mostly successful. I've been keeping up to my goals, but as it gets closer to the end of September I feel like I'm losing steam. I'm losing track of my reasons for the goals, my motivation.  I created a vision in my mind of where I want to be. I sat down and wrote out where I want to see myself. The big picture, long term goal. Maybe it will take 5 years or 15 years, and maybe it won't ALL happen the way I want to see it. But having written it all out, I was able to see what was important to me. The first things I think of when I think of the future are a higher priority than the little things that follow. Those first thoughts are the ones that I want to strive for.

Sadly, those first thoughts do not fit with my life as it is. Whether financially or due to time demands, many of the 'important things' are just not feasible unless I were to give up something like sleep.

Before I run myself back down again, thinking about how I will never actually get to that vision, I will remind myself that one step at a time I am building back up. I know that it takes time and effort to get ahead. I know that my goals and vision will evolve over time. I am grateful that my weak days are getting farther apart, and my smile comes more freely.

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After losing touch, dropping out, slowing down for a full day, my Trucker kicked me out! Not in a bad way, he just knew the day had worn on me and suggested I go to the gym for awhile.  (I'm really loving this gym membership stuff.) So, I didn't even finish typing this!  I headed out right away and came back recharged. The last few days since I started writing this have been much better. Tonight when I felt like I was losing steam, I jumped up and went for a walk with Art. We laughed and raced and had leaf fights. Came home with rosy cheeks and full hearts.

My vision, it seems, has two faces.  The other face is here and now, being the mother and wife to my family that I want to be. The hugs and smiles, stories and giggles. The LIVELY conversations at the dinner table. Sure, I might see a lot more food when my kids are eating, but everyone is talking. I think the Trucker knows more about the kids school days this year already, than he did over the last few years.

I considered deleting the beginning of the post, but felt it relevant to keep it. I am simply human. Maybe next time I'm having a rough day I will remember to look back here and see that I recovered. How easy it can be.  If I could go back a few days and tell myself anything it would be simply to stop looking so far forward.

A dream is a dream because it hasn't happened yet. It's okay to dream big. It's okay to chase small parts of it at any time. Do not think 'all or nothing' just think.  Just move. And if all else fails, hit the gym and sweat it out!!