Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It Can Wait

Those dishes by the sink?  I'll do them later. Right now I have kids to snuggle.

The toys on the floor? We're not done playing yet.

The laundry piling up by the washer? It will still be there tomorrow. The Angel Baby is trying to sleep. This is the only time she LOOKS like an angel.

It's hard to change. I used to be worried about what everyone thought. What everyone wanted from me. I'm not anymore. I'm doing what I want. Sure, I want clean dishes eventually, but not this minute. It will get done, just not yet. I used to worry that dinner wouldn't be on time. That someone would laugh at me (or complain) if the clothes got wrinkled in the dryer.

I used to worry about everything. I still do, I just don't let it get the best of me.

At some point, it became exceptionally clear that I was not living for me, but for everyone else. And now I can see that most of the expectations I was trying to meet, were not even realistic. There are things that we all like to see get done, but I was so frantically trying to please everyone at once that I forgot what was really important.

And then I crashed. I stopped doing it all. I just couldn't figure out where to start or who to please first. I did nothing beyond the necessary functions of life.

Not anymore.

That's not for me anymore.

I started something small. I started slow. I started to invest in myself. For a while, it was just getting myself to bed at a decent time. Then, spending time reading with Art. Talking with Macboy. Playing with Angel Baby. None of it because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. I missed those kinds of things. 

I stopped beating myself up over how often I made it to the gym, or what I was eating that I shouldn't have. I started taking the stairs at school, parking farther away when I went out. I started playing in the yard. I bought a bike. 

I went to SCHOOL. I'm working for something I WANT. I'm living for Wendy.  Sure, the kids place demands on me and my time. My job does too. Being married to a trucker has it's own share of work. I'm still doing those things that I did before but I am making the choice to not stress over them.

I don't have to spend hours doing laundry right NOW. Yes, it has to get done, but do I have to interrupt my child to do it? No. it can wait a few minutes. Or an hour. Or even a day.

I have fleeting moments of stress and panic over these things, but now instead of letting them eat me alive, I am purposefully letting them go. I am aware of my self, and self is not something I'm overly familiar with. As I step forward and make changes, I am seeing so many signs that this is right. Everything is pointing in the direction I was aiming. 

Each small accomplishment presents another choice. Each choice leads to another accomplishment. I'm enjoying life and not looking for failure. I'm seeing sunshine everywhere. I'm feeling pride in myself. I was wearing myself out, overthinking every little thing. I was burying myself in the dark and heaping unnecessary stress on my soul.
So, I let the stress go. 
It can wait.

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