Monday, October 22, 2012

Follow The Signs

And the sign said Long Hair Freaky People....

wait.... wrong sign.

I had a really hard time leaving my job. It was almost like facing a break-up. It was emotional and difficult. It was not really what I wanted to do, but so much of what I needed. During the first few weeks of unemployment, I started to see signs that I was definitely doing what was right. The finances seemed to just even out. School started for the boys and there were no big issues.

Macboy 3.0 has difficulties with transitions and this was a shift to junior high, yet it was the smoothest start to a year we've had since... well, ever. Angel (not a baby at all anymore) seemed to take charge and grew from my little toddler into this big girl during September. Her increasing independence and decreasing attitude is making my life easier.

And Art? Well, he had a tougher start to the year. I think it was strange to go to the Elementary without his brother there. He's the big man on campus now and even though he never really played with Macboy at school, I think he really loved knowing his brother was there. However, I was home to wipe away tears after a rough day. I was here to listen to him and find resolutions to his worries. And then he found Choir. They only allow grade 3-6 in this choir and he's super excited to be old enough. He is paving his own way now and nothing is holding him back.

So the signs were all great, that I was exactly where I needed to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing. The Universe was smiling down on us in praise for living life with the right priorities.

Until the last two weeks.

Everyone knows (or does now anyway) that we share our home with my Mom. It's been 12 years of working together for the benefit of all of us. We can all live a much more luxurious lifestyle by sharing the expenses of a home. Normally, it works quite well. Occasionally, something breaks down.

I'll admit I sunk quickly when I stopped working. I crashed and burned and was nearly useless for a week or two (or three). I had to figure out how to let go of that part of my identity and return to where I was when I started that job. It was a struggle for sure. I am almost back to where I needed to be. My drop off the face of the earth started the rolling snowball. Mom and the Trucker couldn't understand why I wasn't magically getting everything done all of a sudden. Well, I still have three kids..... and most of my work I did after bedtime.... so, where is this magical time I didn't have before? Oh, yeah, okay, I'll start the vacuum at midnight! Hope you don't mind!

Oops... ranting...

Anyway. I openly admit that I fell apart after I left my job. And they clearly didn't see what was going on. So, I start complaining to the Trucker when Mom drives me nuts. Then I'm complaining to Mom when the Trucker drives me nuts.... and then... The Trucker and The Mom, both thinking they are right and not realizing their own parts in my misery, have the ultimate battle.

I think four years or so of pet peeves and irritations hit a head finally. It was crazy and I was lost in the middle of it, trying to get either one of them to pull their head out of their ass and carry on....

Then Macboy has some school troubles.

Then my van died.

Then I got a toothache.

So, there I am crying like a little baby last Tuesday. Curled up on my bed for the three minutes of alone time I was afforded that day. Wondering why? Why were the signs there? Why did it seem like being at home was the right thing? Why did I do all of this?

We can't move, I don't have a job.
We can't fix the van, I don't have a job.
I have to pay to fix this tooth and I don't have a job!
We are never going to get anywhere... what was I thinking? I need a job!

It was horrible. Really, really horrible.

Yes, I know it is not because I stopped working that the van broke down. I also know that I could have prevented this toothache if I'd have just gone to the dentist when I realized there was a problem. Like Months Ago. Macboy has ups and downs with school all the time, this has nothing to do with me being home or not. I am just fortunate to be here to help him move forward.

Oddly, the silence between the Trucker and my Mom was the solution. They had to just stand back and watch the insanity unfold. They seemed to understand that I was having a hard time myself. They seemed to see that I was trying to get my life in order and that I struggle. And they both seemed to realize the benefits we all enjoy for living this way. And the stress level sunk dramatically.

The repair on the van is not cheap, but it's getting done. We found help to pay for it. The tooth was beyond saving and I'm still angry about that. Not at the tooth, but at myself for letting it slip. I know better.

The point of all of this rambling is this..... Whether you are religious and believe in God and the Devil, or you are more like Santiago from The Alchemist and feel the 'Soul of the World,' or even if you are just a level headed human with no real spiritual attachments.... there is one solid truth in life.

The signs are always there. However they get there, even if it is just a 'gut-feeling' that you feel, the signs are there. Following the signs that you are on the right path for your life is not easy. There will be trials and tests. Just because things get difficult, does not mean you are suddenly wrong. It's just a test of your resolve. And if you do break, if you cave in or run, it's normal. The trials of life are hard.

But if you really want something, with all your heart and soul, you push through. You tighten your resolve, change directions, work harder.  Don't give up, don't back down when you are doing what you really believe you should be doing. Everything will work out, just how it is meant to, if you stay strong and carry on.

I spent most of my life so far trying to figure out what I really wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I know it will change a few more times yet too. But, I believe with every ounce of my soul that I am right where I need to be right now.  I'm not going to let anyone or anything take this away from me. When it is time to make a change again, I will see the signs. I'm watching and listening.

1 comment:

  1. This is very beautiful and inspiring. You have motivated me to look for my signs today, too. Thank you for sharing your courage and determination.