Thursday, October 25, 2012

From the Depths of the Drafts Folder..

I'm not sure exactly when this was written, though I suspect it was August when I was leaving work. I got burned by manipulative people in the summer, at home and at work. This is my mental response to one of them. Though I don't feel the spite that I likely did when I wrote this originally, I embrace the process that I went through in moving past these issues.

I'm in one of those moods. My mind is so full of racing thoughts and has been for a few weeks. Right now, I've got a very melancholic mood floating through me. My mind is nearly blank. I can't pinpoint a single direct thought, yet I know there is much going on upstairs. This is the kind of day I would normally dive into a really good book. Or any book. Just something to keep my brain functioning and away from focusing too deeply on any one thing.

But I've spent a lot of time reading lately.

I wanted to write, to add to the novel I've been playing with. But I'm just not feeling her right now. I can't channel my character today and feel like it would be difficult to describe her thoughts when I'm not able to get a grip on my own. There are still some emotions in me that I don't want to project to her. At least not yet.

I wanted to journal. I wanted to write through my emotions in a private way. But each time I pick up the pen I either end up down on myself or angry at someone/something else. The only thing I am certain of is the frailty of so many aspects of our life. It is true that we possess within ourselves everything we want the world to be. The part that is sad is that it takes only one toxic person to suck that away. It can disappear fast and then takes much longer to restore. I've had this happen with friends, some have changed and some I've stopped associating with. I've had this happen with family and at work countless times.

For the most part, I've been able to look objectively at the situation and figure out a cause. I can normally find the fault of my own if there is fault to be had. I can usually see underlying causes and understand the person causing the difficulties.

What I don't understand is being manipulated. I don't understand the people who do it. I don't understand how or why or... anything. I understand aggression to some degree, I respect assertiveness. I understand working for what you want. I understand feeling that you will do anything to get there.

What I don't understand is how some people don't see anyone else in the situation. I know sometimes you have to step on toes to get to where you want to go. It is inevitable in some cases. But to shove them out of your way entirely and do what you can to make sure they don't resist?  That I can't figure out. Some people are just mean. And unfortunately others don't see it until it's too late.

If you work hard and make it to the top in whatever industry you work in, that is wonderful. If you make it to the top by having no respect for yourself or how you got there.... that's sad. You don't have to play dirty to get to the top. I think that most people who follow that route will eventually get what they deserve. I also find that those people are the ones who don't stay for years with a company. They get it, they change things and then they leave just as fast. Like a conquest to prove to themselves that they can take over whatever they want.

I'm sad too, because the job that I left was totally different than anything I've done before. Beyond the fact that it's an industry I was not familiar with and I had to learn a lot of different things, I was different. I figured out that my family should come first in my life and worked purely to satisfy those needs first. Often, it meant staying up to the wee hours of the morning just so I could spend more time with my family while they were awake.

When I started, I was the most "Me." Eager to learn and be challenged. I made myself available 24/7 for a long time. Even when I wasn't actively working, I was still connected. I watched emails and carried my phone everywhere. But slowly my attitude shifted. The more family time I had, the more I craved. The more I hit speedbumps in my position, the more I slowed down. And eventually I just stopped trying to resume another speed.

I'm grateful. The last time I'd sat with the boss and explained that I'd lost my fire, he worked with me to find something different. I guess that if I'd been back up to full speed, the newest 'situation' wouldn't have made me crash so hard. I had been gaining ground but I was still unsteady.  I tried to address things in a relatively politically correct manner and it didn't work well. Eventually I was left to fight a losing battle on my own. It's clear that someone wanted me out. I can see how I might be perceived as a threat to that person. I stepped out of my box to try to help, I stepped out to resolve an issue, and I got stepped on.

And you know what? Whether it is a problem big or small in anyone's eyes, I don't care. It was a big problem, handled poorly and likely to repeat. This is the first time in my life I've quit a job without having something lined up first. This is the first time I didn't force myself to keep my head down and my mouth shut. I stood up for myself. And even if no one in the company stands behind me, I know that I did what was right for me. And it really did feel like it was me against the rest of the world.

I'm relying on Karma, I suppose. I stopped aiming for the stars and took a shot to the back. Karma tells me I wasn't living up to my potential, whether or not it was by choice. So, Karma will return the favor to those who manipulate the 'little man.' So here's my message to the one that finally shot me down.....

Yay You. You defeated me. You forced me to step back. Yippee.

I know the truth of the matter. I will always know. I am not defeated, I am better than this. I am better than you. And I know you will fall too. I pray you have the grace to bow out as I have, rather than create something scandalous.

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