Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Crash Of The Waves

Like standing on the shore watching the tsunami swell out at sea, fear and anxiety grip her and she is paralyzed. As if a scene from a horror movie played in slow motion, she watches the deadly wave rise and gain power as it edges closer. She begs her feet to move, wills her arms and legs to pump and get her away from the swell. She feels shame along with the growing fear. She feels like a failure, can't even run away right.

Day by day the sea rises and edges closer, finally towering above her. The sea looks hungry, anxious to slam down and pull her under.

As though the waters reach an invisible wall all around her, the wave breaks and rushes over her. She steadies herself and prays for life. She just wants freedom, she wants to be able to move. To do anything at all.

It rains down hard, washes over her, around and right through her. It pours under her, pulling the entire world out from her feet. She is sucked in and tossed hard, then just as suddenly dropped to the ground. Cold, hard, empty.

A few minutes pass and she cautiously looks around her. There is no shock and wonder, she's been waiting for the storm. The sea is calm, the waters receding. The land below her is steady. The world around her unchanged. And yet, she is changed.

She starts to move, relishing the regained ability to do so. She sees that the world did not end. She steps forward. And then she stops.

She is no longer frozen and feels the strength of the ocean surging through her veins. She is finally free of the fear and anxiety. But as she hesitantly steps forward, she understands that she does not know where to go. The paths are open, lying and waiting for her to move on. After so much time was lost, staring at the sea, waiting and wondering what would come, she is weary. Her soul is tired. She is free from the grip of fear but lost.

She's been disconnected from herself for so long. Spent hours agonizing over one small piece of the life puzzle. And now it is gone and she survived, as she always does. As she always will.

An emptiness fills the spaces of her mind that have been painfully overworked. And again... she's frozen.  She is really free, she can chase her dreams again and live her life. She just needs to know where to start. And as she stands facing the roads that lead away from this dark place in her mind she begins to find guilt spilling into the empty places. Guilt, because she can't keep going, because she is still lost and unsure, another tide trying to pull her back into the sea.

Screaming voices in her head tell her to "Get off the beach! Just start going and things will fall into place." She knows the voices are her own... but she wants to retreat into the water. She feels the sand shift beneath her feet, she is sliding down again. Fighting her way up to the solid ground, desperately wishing she knew which way to go, she dives forward head first.  The first step to freedom and happiness.

She accepts that she doesn't need to know where the road leads, she just jumps into one and starts running. Doors will open along the way and change her route. She is ready. She knows that sitting in the sand waiting for the darkness to pull her back down promises to keep all the doors closed. She wants more and she is going to find it.

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