Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I Love You More

I messed up dinner so bad last night, it was like I didn't cook at all.  Oh wait! I didn't cook. The Trucker did. I'm not going to complain either, he did a great job. I will choke back that cranky side of me that wishes he had done this a few weeks ago when I was really lost in my own mind. I am grateful that he noticed I needed some help even if it was later than I'd like.

That's the cool thing about my marriage these days. Not long ago, he would have stayed away from my angry bitter self and that would have pushed me farther over the edge. Not long ago, my state of mind was the last thing on his list of things to worry about. Things are different now. 

I can think about the number of bad times we have faced and how many times we had a very serious divorce discussion. At some times we even had the division of property and childcare covered. I think about how a 60 year marriage like my grandparents seemed like such an insane idea. But I understand better now. I think we both do. 

There is something that made you fall in love with this person in the first place, right? And even though you have hard times, there are good times to remember. When you fight over raising your kids, or fight because one parent seems to be doing A LOT more than the other - oops, a little bitterness seeping through - there is the plain and simple fact that you are both actually trying to do what is right. The goal is to raise decent human beings who are fully capable of taking care of themselves, so that one day... 


...they will be off on their own. And THEN you have the freedom to go do the things you loved in the first place. Some of those things will change but many will be the same.  I know that the night I looked into his eyes when we were sitting in the minivan in a school yard parking lot, hardly 50 feet from where the kids were with a sitter, everything changed for me. And I told him.

We were deciding how to deal with the end of things for us and in that tiny moment I could see us at 70 years old. Still side by side. Still doing things together and still doing our own things also.  We are not growing apart, we are simply growing up. We argue that we don't want to change, but realistically we DO change. And that's okay.

There was no big vow made to each other that we would work harder to get through the tough times, there was just an understanding that our goals are the same. We both want to be there to live life together.  Simple. There is no perfect world, no perfect marriage. There are just no perfect people in the world. It's the mistakes and difficulties we face that make us strong. When I was young and we'd first met and I was so madly in love with him, I really didn't think I could ever love him more. But I do, more and more each day.

I'm not sure exactly when it hit him, but I can see that it certainly did. I see that he is stepping out of his comfort zone. He is more attentive than ever, even when I don't think he is paying attention.

I'm impressed. I think I'll keep him around.

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