Stress and frustration manifest themselves differently in her. Each day she wakes up, plants her feet on the floor and summons every ounce of energy she has left to push her way into the day. The days are often the same and life easily blurs into a mist of half-living. There is a strong difference between getting through the day and fully living life. She addresses and accepts her fears and tirelessly pushes her way through each of them. Some things are beyond her control. Those are the fears that feed her nightmares or leave her lying awake at night searching for a way to change it. Each day she takes a forceful step to break down another barrier within herself.
There is an unseen division between right and wrong. The haziness can make it hard to determine which side of it you are on. Fear is her response, initiated by trying to figure out where she stands. She may be fighting for the right reasons only to find that she is fighting for the wrong cause. The fight can not stop, that would be giving up and losing the right to a choice. So she fights. With all of her heart and soul she fights for life. She can never be sure if it is the right cause or not, she simply trusts her instincts to guide her. Sometimes she's wrong, but it is never a serious consequence for trying. Other times, she is right and the results are phenomenal. Those are the days she feels that she can conquer the world.
Those successes are the reserves in her soul that she draws upon when she feels weak.
When she feels stress or fear, it becomes a physical pain in an instant. Perhaps it is a subconscious reaction; if she feels ill she can not push the boundaries and, therefore, can not fail. A fight for what feels right can become an arduous task. There is no reprieve from the physical pain until the final result is achieved. Regardless of the steps taken, forward or back, the end is the only relief. Each hurdle that is jumped is momentarily celebrated and just as quickly replaced with fear and worry about the next step. It is her life, standing in the ocean waiting for the next wave to crash. Wondering if it will carry the current that finally sucks her under.
She wished once that she could be someone else. She prayed that she could deal with things the way others around her can. She wanted to be able to 'shake it off' as easily as closing a door or window would stop the wind. She knows that many of the worries that she carries are unsubstantiated, simply exaggerated versions of what is real to the rest of the world. Sometimes the worry results from things that simply should not matter.
Many times, she finds that focusing on someone elses worry could grant her a reprieve. She can push down her internal voices, block them out entirely, and pick up anothers burden. At some point, her own world will crash back down on her and remind her that she is not done. Her own life can not be avoided.
The fear and anxiety are the barriers that hold her back. The fear often brings nausea or headaches and almost always a sharp pain in her heart that sucks the air right out of her lungs. The only thing preventing her from an easy life is all within her own mind.
The fear is also what drives her forward. Obsessively searching for ways to control her life and her thoughts, no matter how much they race and tangle in her mind, she pushes forward. She hopes for peace one day, that one day the fight will be over.
As painful as it often feels, there is no end and she is aware. The burdens she carries are entirely her own. She knows that the fight to live, the fight to be free, can never be stopped. In order to be happy and comfortable, you have to chase your dreams. No matter how silly or small they seem to others. The fights she takes on are for her own peace of mind. As such, the line between right and wrong choices is essentially meaningless. She fights for the right reason, no matter the battle.
She will never stop believing in dreams.