I'm struggling right now and I mentioned on Facebook that I wouldn't be posting. But, those of you who have been around here long enough know that sometimes writing is the most freeing thing I can do. And though I need to weigh my words carefully for the time being, I feel that there are some emotions I can release in order to lighten the burden on my mind.
I woke up Monday morning feeling like the queen of the world. I was free. I finished my upgrading course with a fabulous mark. I had a job that worked well for me. I had a fabulous anniversary surprise from my Trucker that left me feeling loved and valuable. Little did I know, this was all about to come crashing down at my feet.
Perhaps it was because I was so high on life that I fell so hard. By Tuesday afternoon, I had turned in my resignation to the job I have invested three years in. In the middle of courses and training to succeed in an entirely new area, I gave up. I love what I'm learning and I love what I am doing but the universe seemed to turn against me.
My life is about to change drastically. I will need to rediscover my frugal living ways or venture out into the 9-5 working world and plunge my children into daycare. I'm not ready for either option.
I admit I have dreams of great things. I want to find my true passions and develop them into something beautiful. I toyed with the ideas of returning to school full time in the future. Right now, it's a possibility because I won't have to leave a job behind, but it eliminates my ability to save up for the tuitions. With the combined income we have here, I'm not eligible for full funding. Hopefully the tide will turn for me.
The Trucker and I have always lived by the motto "When it's meant to be it comes easy." This transition happened so fast, my head is spinning. But, it's a pretty simple process and not as devastating as it could be. I think the timing must be right, or this would not have progressed the way it did. Each day this week it has become more apparent that there is no turning back. I'm like Santiago in The Alchemist. He sold his sheep only to be robbed and left with no idea where to go. I have to make the choice now, which way do I go? I've got nothing left to lose, so I might as well go forward. A trial of the universe in the path of my own Personal Legend.
In that same book, Paul Coehlo reveals four obstacles that every person must face to reach their potential. He also explains that the biggest lie is that at some point in our lives we lose the power to change our destiny. We never lose power. We just stop making the choices we should because of fear, comfort or maybe even love.
Things will work out alright. I know they will. Sure I have fears, but it's a little too late to change that and it doesn't have to stop me. I've just changed the ability to continue this level of comfort. And, I have the full support of the person I love.
I have plenty to think about this weekend. What does the future hold for me? What do I really want? Do I want to beg for my job or jump head first into a new direction. I have had a tremendous opportunity to live a life I loved for three years. I have been able to learn amazing things. I have been a respected member of a great team. I have been able to be at school with my kids. I have had the best of both worlds. Sadly nothing lasts forever.
I hate to say goodbye to all of this, but I have to consider that I am greeting amazing opportunities. This door might have closed, but I think I'm standing on the outside. I am not trapped in a box, I am on the front steps ready to venture out again. I need to shift my perspective a bit. I think a higher level of happiness is there, waiting for me to just look up and see it.