Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My Mind Is Fascinating Me

Over the last few days, I've been working my way out of my job. I'm finishing up tasks, letting go of stress-triggers. I'm releasing so many things from my mind that I didn't need there. It is interesting, I knew that some of this had an impact on my life, but I truly didn't understand the full scope of it.

Small things turn big in my mind. That's one of those paranoia issues I have, to catastrophize everything before I can think it through logically. I have to see something, process and understand it thoroughly and then act.  These are all steps that I deal with in different ways depending on the situation at hand. So, each time I release something small, a rather large piece of me becomes free.

I've forced myself to take an entirely objective view of my job. I think I've reached a common ground with my employer as well, a mutual understanding of what has transpired and each other.  I have thought through my situation through the eyes of the person that caused my breakdown in my job. I won't say that I respect how things were handled, but I can respect this person's hidden motivations. It could have been a much better situation for everyone if it had been handled appropriately. Trust has been violated, apparently for both of us, and is not repairable.

I have considered my decision greatly. It may have seemed impulsive, to some degree it was, but there was a lot weighing on me that contributed to it. I don't feel that it was a mistake, timing just wasn't in my favor. Sometimes, we can't control that.

As I release these little things, and gain back large pieces of sanity that I'd been missing, my mind slows down. It's not spinning 10,000 miles per hour anymore. I am not worrying about what should or should not be done, or where I'm going to find the time to do whatever is next. I've worked the majority of this job with a sense of impending doom. There were always too many things to do and not enough time. Now there is time. Now there is clarity.

My mind is free. Free to explore my options. Free to enjoy the parts of my work that I've loved. Free to enjoy life and consider the future. And I've been getting some amazing ideas. I have more options than I realized. I have so many directions I can go. And because I have faced this terrible fear of "What the h*** am I gonna do without this paycheck?" I am better able to take risks. Make suggestions. Try out ideas.

The worst that can happen? Someone says "No." And really, I'm no further back than I started. I don't have it now, so I'm not losing anything. Right?

I feel at peace. With myself, my choices and my future. I've needed this peace for a long time.

My family is grateful.

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