I have a confession, my friends. I am terrified. I have no idea how things will turn out for me. I have no control over many of the factors I will be facing soon.
Last week I received my official acceptance letter to the university program I will be starting. I needed to confirm that acceptance and seal my decision to go back to school in the fall. My Trucker keeps giving me the push I need to not chicken out. He jumped right away and ensured my deposit got paid. In fact, he's pushed me several times through this whole process. I guess after seventeen years together, he really does know me.
The last six months have been incredible. I have seen a side of my husband that I only caught glimpses of before. He really is my rock, he keeps me grounded. He doesn't let me hide when fear creeps in. He is proud of me for trying to change my stars. We have faced resistance from occasional friends who are supposed to be supportive. Those people who are either angry with themselves for not trying, or are jealous of our courage to do it.
Without counting maternity leave, I have worked full-time straight since I got out of high school. I had periods where I worked two jobs, but thankfully those weren't long terms. I have some post-secondary education, but it's all accounting. Frankly, accounting is painfully boring. I was crazy enough to believe that doing something that came easy to me was a good idea. WRONG. No challenge means no love. Plain and simple. I need work that keeps my mind growing.
My last job was like that. I jumped into something I had no experience with and I loved it. It was my first chance to work only part-time hours and let me be at home with my kids. Three years of a constantly changing environment, new things to learn all the time, it was great. Well, except for the sucky parts that eventually led me to quit. Working from home is not all it's cracked up to be. There were so many times that I had to miss something because I needed to finish with work.
Now, I am chasing my own rainbow. I know what I really love to do and I want to do it. I want to find myself in a world of language. Publishing maybe? Writing? Absolutely.
I will start school on the same day as Angel Baby in September. I am so very excited! But I am terrified. There is so much to consider! What if she's the child who cries and clings to mommy on the first day? I will have to leave her, so that I can make my own class on time. What if I have more of the troubles that I had with my oldest? What if she's a TS child too? The odds are higher, since I have one. And truthfully, I'm a bit concerned about Art. I'm seeing some things that keep me wondering, but at this point I can't recognize any vocal tics, so I'm not sure.
For the first time in my life, with my continuous battles through depression and raising three kids, I am ready to face my fear. Largely because I know that if I want to turn around or run and hide, I will see my husband standing behind me. I've got support and love to keep me going. He has stood by my side through the darkest of my days. And he stayed. He knows I have this in me, and that helps me when I start thinking I'm not strong enough.
I am strong. I set myself free last summer. I quit my job, I became the mother I WANTED to be, I fought my way out of those dark, dark places. I've lost twenty pounds! Without dieting, and barely exercising. (Though I've been told that folding laundry for half an hour burns seventy calories and I feel like all I ever do is laundry, plus there is a staircase to the laundry room, so that must be more calories! haha). I opened my eyes. I've read. I've written so much. I explored some information on religion that I'd been debating. I spent time with the family that doesn't live in my house. I've tried all kinds of new things and been successful at most of them. Those that didn't work out were still a TON of fun to try.
I know I can do this. I know I can successfully complete a degree, even with kids. I know I can finish writing at least one of the eight novels I have started. I have never found so much inspiration around me, until I finally was able to see through the darkness.
This is never what I expected to come from this blog, but as I have grown the blog has grown. There are so many more people reading my ramblings than I ever could have expected! I'm so grateful you are here. Please stay around, I fully intend to share every step of this new road that I'm on. Each time I face a new fear, I know that there are people behind me. Even those that I have never met, who are cheering me on in their own ways. And maybe, my insanity just might encourage you to face some of your own.