Thursday, September 29, 2011

Too Much Reflection Gives Me A Headache

Some days, actually many days, I feel like I'm just spinning in circles.  I can see what I want and where I want to be, but it feels like my efforts are taking me no where. It is easy to get frustrated when some changes take a long time.  Weight changes are slow, but there are rewards along the way. Simply the feeling that I get from exercising more or eating better make the days bearable when the scale doesn't change.

Kids are learning new ways to drive one crazy every day. Trying to keep up seems painful sometimes. As soon as I manage to change one behavior and new (and often harder) one appears.  Three kids can be extremely overwhelming. It seems my kids got faster each time. The 'phases' my first one went through at 5, hit the second at 4 and the Angel Baby is only 3. Ugh.  And this time of year, I have allergy season in progress. Though we don't have any definite allergies 'proven' or 'diagnosed' we still have signs and symptoms that cause troubles.  Kids waking up during the night with stuffy noses or dry coughs, not necessarily connected to a cold.  And there is a lot more SEE-food going on at the dinner table, because it is hard to eat when your nose is plugged.
It is also hard to eat when you sit across from the one with the stuffed up nose.

And work?  I'm having a hard time figuring it out. I am motivated and happy one day, I can see my direction, but the next I'm lost and wondering if it's time to make a change.  Is work the problem, or, am I the one standing in my own way, preventing the enjoyment I had before?

I suppose it's hardest because I sincerely think I was born in the wrong generation.  I am that mom who wants to be home with the kids. I'd be happy to get up early and make breakfast for my trucker but the demands of the rest of the day mean that I just can't entertain that thought. If I don't sleep at night, I just don't sleep.

This month has been mostly successful. I've been keeping up to my goals, but as it gets closer to the end of September I feel like I'm losing steam. I'm losing track of my reasons for the goals, my motivation.  I created a vision in my mind of where I want to be. I sat down and wrote out where I want to see myself. The big picture, long term goal. Maybe it will take 5 years or 15 years, and maybe it won't ALL happen the way I want to see it. But having written it all out, I was able to see what was important to me. The first things I think of when I think of the future are a higher priority than the little things that follow. Those first thoughts are the ones that I want to strive for.

Sadly, those first thoughts do not fit with my life as it is. Whether financially or due to time demands, many of the 'important things' are just not feasible unless I were to give up something like sleep.

Before I run myself back down again, thinking about how I will never actually get to that vision, I will remind myself that one step at a time I am building back up. I know that it takes time and effort to get ahead. I know that my goals and vision will evolve over time. I am grateful that my weak days are getting farther apart, and my smile comes more freely.
After losing touch, dropping out, slowing down for a full day, my Trucker kicked me out! Not in a bad way, he just knew the day had worn on me and suggested I go to the gym for awhile.  (I'm really loving this gym membership stuff.) So, I didn't even finish typing this!  I headed out right away and came back recharged. The last few days since I started writing this have been much better. Tonight when I felt like I was losing steam, I jumped up and went for a walk with Art. We laughed and raced and had leaf fights. Came home with rosy cheeks and full hearts.

My vision, it seems, has two faces.  The other face is here and now, being the mother and wife to my family that I want to be. The hugs and smiles, stories and giggles. The LIVELY conversations at the dinner table. Sure, I might see a lot more food when my kids are eating, but everyone is talking. I think the Trucker knows more about the kids school days this year already, than he did over the last few years.

I considered deleting the beginning of the post, but felt it relevant to keep it. I am simply human. Maybe next time I'm having a rough day I will remember to look back here and see that I recovered. How easy it can be.  If I could go back a few days and tell myself anything it would be simply to stop looking so far forward.

A dream is a dream because it hasn't happened yet. It's okay to dream big. It's okay to chase small parts of it at any time. Do not think 'all or nothing' just think.  Just move. And if all else fails, hit the gym and sweat it out!!

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