Monday, May 30, 2011

I Hate It When You're Right

I'll be honest.  It's past 1 a.m. here and I'm getting that middle of the night epiphany that you never remember the next day. So tonight I'm gonna write it.
And I'm even going to give the Trucker some credit. Partly because I'm writing this in the middle of the night so he won't see me write it and part since I know he rarely reads this, just the first paragraph if anything....let me ramble a bit longer so he'll have clicked away... love you honey. 

YES! I do have a point tonight.

I've been walking around feeling all crappy and sorry for myself for way too long. (I'm sure you have noticed.) I'm working hard at finding ways to make it better. Everyday.  Just a few days ago things got pretty heated around here and I was in that "Oh Dear God. How'm I EVER gonna get through this night" mode. I came home, slept on the couch and woke up to a fresh start. However, we have not had any time to actually talk out the problems we faced the other night.  We haven't been able to heal or apologize or whatever it is we should be doing.  I've been trying to be nicer and so has he.  Good enough for now.

Tonight, Sunday Night, kids are ready for school and tucked in bed.  I'm sitting on the edge of our bed and he's in it. I've asked if we can talk. He says "Everything's gonna be okay. We'll get through this too."  I'm sure many of you would agree that sometimes that is exactly what we need to hear. But then he also said "I don't like it when you work at night. I miss snuggling with you."

I'm often angry that I don't get enough help. I'm usually complaining about how hard it can be to get things done, especially work, with the little one home all day. In the evenings, I'm trying to improve my schedule, but I do find that I work best (or more efficiently anyway) after everyone is in bed. The house is quiet and free of distractions.  Since I've started this blog (and even more so since this blog has made a jump in traffic recently), and I'm focusing on my personal writing, I am totally distracted. I had a hard time making life and work balance, now I'm trying to make life and work and writing balance.

Maybe it's the subconscious remembering how much he snored as a smoker and I'm delaying my trek to bed because he ALWAYS fell asleep first.  Yeah... no.  I know.  

I've been frustrated because he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem interested.  But really, he feels left in the dust. Maybe a little concerned that I'm getting a growing amount of attention from people he doesn't even KNOW.  

Honey, you did three things right tonight.  And if you never read this, it's okay. I'm telling the world anyway.  I'm putting it in writing for you, willingly.

1) You took my worried mind and reassured it.  "We're gonna be okay." One of the best lines you can ever spit out. Yes. I DO need to HEAR it.  Thank you.

2) You told me that you miss me at night. When I feel like you are just tired of me, you are really just tired  and I'm not listening to your cues.  You want me there, you're not trying to ditch me.

And most importantly.
3) You talked to me. You opened up. Instead of carrying on and pretending everything was okay, or not okay or whatever the hell it usually is... you found something that bothered you, that can be changed and you SPOKE UP. I'm not left guessing what you're thinking. I know there is a lot more to deal with over the years, but it will sure be easier if we can talk things out. It wasn't a fight or an intent to be mean, it was a simple little statement. "I miss You."

And honey... I've needed that.  My biggest complaint has always been that I can't just guess what you are thinking. I can't fix anything if I don't know what the problem is.  If you don't open up and tell me what you feel, I assume you don't feel anything.

I've been sitting here mad at how much I think you ignore me, 
but I have never really acknowledged the ways I've ignored you.

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There is much more to the story than I wish to include (I'm sure you understand). I will not discuss details.
The purpose of this post is simply to remind us all that life is about the little things.  
Like being able to go to bed at the same time.

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