Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This Time Is Your Time, This Time Is My Time

Oh, wait, that's not how the song goes.  
Not really how my life goes either.  

I keep trying to remind myself that these days don't last forever.  The ever pressing demands for my attention will ease up. Every day the kids grow just a bit more independent.  Everyday the pressure is lightening. I just can't feel it right now.  Like the grass growing in the yard, each change is so minimal that it goes by unnoticed, then suddenly you realize that it has a life all it's own.

It's easy for someone on the outside of your life to tell you to enjoy the small things.  How cute it is when your little one is being helpful, how much you will miss taking care of them.  But when every moment of your day, every day, is filled with small things, the big things suffer too.  Yes, I agree that if I take an hour to do dishes with my baby girl she will remember playing with mommy.  Sure whatever task it was that I was going to do next will wait.  It's not life or death to get it done.  But sometimes... NOTHING gets done.
Yes, I do let the TV babysit my kids. Get over it.

I'm not saying my children are out of control. I'm not saying my hubby doesn't help enough (that's a whole different conversation).  I'm not saying I can't or don't want to do this or be here.

I just need a break now and then.  If you aren't here, you don't know.  If you find it amusing when I'm having a chaotic day... remember to check for the mania hiding in my laughter.  Am I really laughing because I find it humorous?  Or am I laughing because I just don't know what to do anymore?

Writing here, is quite often my only "free" time.  And it's not really free. Right now, my boys are having a nerf battle. I'm waiting for someone to get hurt or mad and come running in yelling "MOM, he --insert random complaint here--!!"  They had popcorn as an afterschool snack. Left the bowl on the nightstand so it's gotten knocked down. And I just heard the sound of something falling out of the fridge. Praying Angel Baby is not trying to get her own juice, cuz it sounded like the jug fell.

I'm also NOT saying "hey, whoever is close... come help me..."  Unfortunately, I'm too stubborn to accept much help and in all honesty, I don't need more help that way.  I need less demands. I need more time.  I need more rest. I need ear plugs. I need to be able to drink without puking or head aches!!  I need peace. Calm. Balance.

But... when I take breaks.. I pay later.  I'm gonna have a half hour of clean up for this ten minutes of writing. I'm grateful for the friends I have, the family who is here for me, the knowledge and faith I have that this will pass. I'm insanely busy (not just insane) and it's OKAY. I'm not trying to ignore my friends. I don't want to isolate myself.  But those who are close to me understand that. And they call me.  And they know that if I wait for a quiet moment to talk on the phone... I'll never talk to anyone.  

Forgive me for seeming like a snob.  I am not. I'm not avoiding anyone. I'm not trying to seek out sympathy.  I don't have time for that.  I'm not supermom. I'm not better than you. I'm not worse, either.

I'm a mom of three busy kids.  I'm a trucker's wife.  I'm a daughter who shares her chaos with her mother in the home we share.  I'm an employee. I'm a stay at home mom.  I'm a wannabe writer.  I'm Wendy.  I can cook, I just don't like to tell anyone. They might want to come for dinner. And I might have to catch up to my dishes and clean a bit better. It's easier to keep your expectations low.
Grin and bear it baby. It's just another day.

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